RAID THA FRIDGE.

DA FUCK.

2010-08-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

I looked at my blog for the first time in forever today and realized someone has tampered with it, as in put a picture of two wine glasses with a cock in between them where there used to be a something presumably moderately amusing, maybe even an early 90s pop culture reference, who knows. My mind is often in the gutter, it's true, but I wouldn't just put a picture of a penis being weird in there for no reason whatsoever. Is it supposed to be familiar to me?? It's fucking weird, guys. When I get a computer, I think I'm going to start up something new because I'm now afraid of this thing...

Sincerely,
Nicola Jane Young

GROWING UP POTTY.

2010-05-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

So far I've done two grown up things today. I returned a library book that was about 3 weeks late and instead of dropping it in the return slot and never going there again, I brought it to the front desk and announced I was paying my late fees then and there. I expected it to be something like 38 dollars but it was only $3.75. Now I feel rich.

Then I bought some SPF 30. Pretty grown up, right??

Then I went to the bank and ordered personal cheques.

So that when my sister skips town in three weeks, I can inherit the authority of paying rent and bugging Mike Chui to give me his money give me his money give me his money.

That said, Mike Chui DID buy toilet paper last week....

For the first time since September.

But hey, it's one-ply.

ONE-PLY?!?!?!

You don't BUY one-ply, Mike Chui. One-ply is for desperate times. You steal it from work, or the mall, or school or a shitty house party. A roll here or there to keep you afloat until you wake up before Pharmaprix closes. Duh.

Just so you know, I don't think this shot qualifies as extreme funny. It's worth a chuckle alone in the stall, sure, but then you wash your hands and the extreme power hand dryer will blow the memory right out of your brain before you get a chance to tell all your friends.

Anyway, I feel I've accomplished so much that I'm going to become a high school jock a-hole for the rest of the day.

Get drunk, get laid, maybe get in a fight. Get a couple BJs in the stairwell, no big whoop.

Yup. So, on the spring flirting front, yesterday I was chatting with a man in a suit at work and he told me his boss had asked him to take a client to the hockey game. When he told me he worked for Canon, I said "Oh! Like the printers!" and HE said, "Yeah, and other stuff, printers, photocopiers..." To which I replied, "Well, I LOVE photocopying...." So silly it was a hit. What fun. Spring flirting 4ever. All year round, thank you very much.

METH MOUTH BE GONE!!

2010-04-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

"Welcome to the 21st century", texted my brother. Cool, I guess.

Bought my first 12 pack of Dr. Pepper in eons on Monday. So far so good. As you may know, I used to knock back at least 2 litres a day, along with 6 cups of coffee.

Did you know they now make tall cans of Dr. Pepper?? It's about time, you guys. You can find it at the Esso at Saint Laurent and Sherbrooke. But at Blockbuster it's 2 cans for 2 bones, which is sweet. Pepsi too, make a run for it.

Next biggie of the week is this.

TOMORROW I GET MY CROWNS!

As you may know, 2008 was the year of breaking my jaw twice and making all that early teen orthodontia go to waste, much like Justin Bieber's virginity. What do you mean, what does that even mean?? Underneath it all, I've looked like a meth addict (and NOT the Fergalicious kind...) for at least a year and a half and I'm bored the fuck out, yo.

That said, taking out my falsies is a pretty great party trick and also a decent way to figure out whether peeps are cool or lame.

A few weeks ago, I popped into Blue Dog on a Wednesday and the bartender who's there more often than not had broken one of his front tooth caps, revealing a slightly discoloured and more lonely looking tooth. He pointed it out to me right away, I guess because he felt less than pretty. I hadn't even noticed and couldn't have cared less. But since he was clearly insecure about it, I decided to whip off my falsies with my tongue and show him where the real shit's at. Like, "HEY, WHO CARES?! COULD BE WORSE!" He was grossed out in a superlame way which confirmed my suspicion that he's kind of a douche. I had an accident or two!! Hey buddy, I just engaged in a selfless act to save you from your vanity! Duh!!

One time at karaoke night when nothing was happening, the DJ played Dave Matthews Band's Crash, why, I do not know, but this guy felt the need to announce to me, "This song has helped me get laid at LEAST four times." BARF ON YOU, BUD. You're not even THAT goodlooking. And your all-over print sweatshirts really BLOW...

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

VEESH ME LECK!!

(Wish my luck in a vaguely Russian accent, thank you very much.)

"SO LONG, LUDDITE!"

2010-04-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

As time goes by, I get scared of this shit. Like I'll forget how to go off on tangents and be terribly inconcise, which is apparently not a word. Since fucking when, I say.

This is a week of big deals. Yesterday, I activated the apparently "cheap-ass" cell phone my friend Nick gave me in September when he crossed over to the dark side, aka iPhoneville. I had to go to the Virgin Mobile clinic in the Eaton Centre, a very scary place.

The girl there told me that my V-card I bought at Esso wasn't working because after three months without putting money on the phone, the number goes kaput.

Honey treated me like I was from another planet. Which I am, but let's be frank, I look a lot like real people that are not aliens in disguise.

Perhaps you heard a couple of weeks ago that 40% of adults in China and India are onto us, in that they believe that aliens walk the earth disguised as humans.

The truth is out there.

See: Victoria Beckam.

Soanyway. I decided that not having a cell phone kind of harshes my game. When it comes to booty calls, it's like going to McGill and not taking Ritalin. Plus, I think I'll be a killer txt flrt. Seriously you guys, I used to be really good at MSN.

"Good start, Nicola."

Okay, current events... Guru passed away last week, which brought me back to straight kicking it with my dear friend Georgia in France in the summer of 2001. It was all about Jazzmatazz. Nectar from a Mason jar, 7 dollar dress. And Marlboro Lights. And hash. Them were the days, for sure. Now, let's take it back to the high school house party...

One of my favourite BBC Radio1 DJS, Gilles Peterson, made his show this past week a Guru tribute, which you can listen to here but only for the next 13 hours, so get on it.

I find Gilles Peterson generally throws down great foreplay music. I think if you grab a bottle of red and listen to his show from the beginning with one total fox, you'll probably score at least a steamy make-out sesh. So get flirting, team.

If it were at all possible, I would love to keep him in my back pocket to provide original soundtracks to get down to. I think this is a really great idea. A house DJ to provide a musical score for your sex life. Like a personal chef but way cooler. Rather than "I'm feeling bloated, lean fish and steamed vegetables, please" it would be like, "So tonight we're feeling taking some ecstacy and fucking on the pool table. Gilles, man, we trust you so just go with our pace, and if you could throw in a little Daft Punk, that would be great."

You dig??

More big deals to be shared shortly, thanks for coming.

OH, THIS OLD THING??

2010-02-24T11:19:00.001-08:00

How much does a zamboni weigh? Enough to break the ice?? Wilkommen Sebastian Bach??

Watch figure skating?? Heard of Peter Jensen?? Hot young Swede in the lead??

He came to mind yesterday while I was watching borderline tween gals compete in figure skating, while I was at the gym.

I was on the elliptical listeing to Big L's DA GRAVEYARD when Russia's Ksenia Makarova caught my eye, a vision of loveliness in lavender.

Her outfit was no doubt an ode to Tinky Winky, the teletubby that will turn all the kids gay. (Even yours!)

I watched several more routines and stuck to me own choons, which means I listened to DA GRAVEYARD for about 45 minutes because hey, it just fit.

So I don't know what them honeys skated to but there was one routine with MURDER in the title, another with DEATH, and another that confirmed my belief that guns are supersexy especially when handled by Korean teens.

YIPEE KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!

You go, girl.

When I caught up with my sister Hilary later and actually watched figure skating with sound, my ears bled on the Russian folk number. Hilary said it was more exciting than Chopin or something to that effect, respect.

Hilary got mad at this outfit from Estonia.

"Why would you wear that unless you're skating to Prince? Why? Why??"

More importantly, how did Elena Glebova get a hold of the bathing suit Hilary wore to my ninth birthday party?? You know, when we went to the Lynx game and that guy spilled beer on Julia Hutchison's head not to mention our gummy worms?? It must be the Estonian connection.

Apparently no one gets to skate to Prince and there is no Lady Gaga of figure skating?? They don't get points for costumes but there are rules about costumes...

I don't know about you, but I think this would look fantastic on ice.

Which brings to mind the bloody denim ball gowns Alexander McQueen made in the year 2000. May he rest in peace, poor fellow.

Which brings me back to London-based, Danish-born maker of fun clothes including the sweatshirt I'm wearing right now...Peter Jensen. His website shows the latest but here is one of my favourite things he did in 2005, a fashion show on ice!

Have a nice day! And don't forget to think of some new moves for THE CROSS. We're practicing on Saturday at the rink off Bernard. In hockey skates!!

MERRY-AMBER THIESSEN vs. AMY-ANNA JONES

2009-12-24T08:28:00.000-08:00

Hi there. Just doing some laundry, you?

What a zoo that will be, yeah, I'm going downtown to the art gallery, it's free from 1 to 4.

No, the Szilasi exhibit is still on actually, that's what I'm going to see.

You can't see this picture really, just click on it.

Christmas, that's right, that is tomorrow, isn't it...

So here's a funny video of my friend Tasha's mom getting a toaster for Christmas after she apparently went on about how everyone gives and gets toasters so you have to make sure you act surprised if you get one.

Peep Tasha's choons at myspace.com/tcupyo.

And don't forget that to give is better than to receive. Click on it, ugh.

ZACK DE LA MORRIS TAKES THE CAKE

2009-12-23T12:04:00.001-08:00

The funniest shit so far this week is that Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name" made it to #1 on the BBC singles charts, 17 years after it was all the rage. Here's a wee chat with the band from the BBC followed by a live performance!!

The British couple that decided to stick it to the Simon Cowell by way of a facebook revolution, did so unsuccessfully last year, with a campaign to bring Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" to number one on the charts. That's hilarious!

I would like to take this couple out to lunch. Maybe even invite them over for Christmas dinner... Heck, why not make them the godparents of my firstborn child?! What the hey, they can have my firstborn!

Highly amusing. Way 2 go, you 2!

J-SHORE LORE

2009-12-22T07:21:00.000-08:00

Looking for a wing man to partner up in the club scene (montreal)

Date: 2009-12-14, 2:47PM EST
Reply to: gigs-es3x9-1509886556@craigslist.org

Im looking for a wing man to partner up in the club scene to meet beautiful ladies
I'm 25 years old and I'll looking to meet women with a friend because its easier

Location: montreal
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

Thought the J-Shore boys were just asking to be injected into this ridiculous ad.

Am I right, or am I right??

DOWN WITH BRO DOWN, BRO.

2009-12-21T10:33:00.000-08:00

This was the funniest shit Hilary and I laughed at yesterday.

That and one line at the end of the too long and not even that funny (unless you're maybe stoned, bro) Pineapple Express...

"I'm like that nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at 9 o'clock!"

Oh man, that was too funny.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm bro'd out.

This week's Globe & Mail bestsellers list for Humour proves it.

Number 4 is The Bro Code by Barney Stinson...

And oh shit, I hadn't even noticed that the other "bro-lit" title is by the same guy!

Number 8 is Bro on the Go by, you guessed it, Barney Simpson!

Sounds to me like Barney Simpson is, "like, Sophie Kinsella for dudes, bro!" (And that's a bad thing.)

Next up, Bro Ties the Knot. Then, Bro and Baby. Then, Bro and Child Support!

Better Barney than that I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell a-hole. (Wait, I think he was in the top 10 for Non-Fiction, actually...)

I don't know about you guys, but hey boys, if you have any (or worse, all) of the three aforementioned titles, do yourself a favour and make sure they're out of sight when you have a new girl over. Or else... You go to the bathroom, I sip my wine (white Fuzion, no doubt...) and make my way over to your bookshelf...

By the time you're Purelling? I'm out.

And no more "that's what she said" ever.

Please and thanks.

Can't wait for 2010 lingo and all the new hot shit!

________ is the new BRO!

______________are the new UNDEAD!

I'm going snowshoeing, seeya!

SCOTT SPEEDMAN, PREGNANT!

2009-12-17T10:19:00.000-08:00

Sup guys, it's almost Christmas, have you heard??

You know the drill.

S. Claus
North Pole
HOH OHO

You know who that is, right? Diora Baird, boys and girls. An old favourite. If you haven't had the pleasure of Diora in her birthday suit as your background image on your computer all set for when JP's grandma comes over for brunch, you really haven't lived.

I never tire of this image, so why should you?

Onward. Enough semi-stiffness for an afternoon, n'est-ce pas?

(Stay tuned for Brooke Shields at her best...)

Last weekend my mom was visiting and on Saturday we went shopping. As always happens to me in department stores, I got tired and afraid and needed a hand to hold.

It was then that I wandered into the home section and found a friendly (but sleepy) owl.

The truth is though, that I saw this owl in passing and gave him a squeeze, found a comfortable perch in front of a darling Missoni coat that had me so hypnotized, I decided I missed the owl and he should be there with me. (I also thought he would totally match.) So I went back to the home section to get the sleepy owl (about a 5.4 minute walk roundtrip) and then back to the Missoni boutique to straight kick it for 20 minutes while Hilary and my mom looked at party dresses. Needless to say, these inanimate objects got along great.

It's called an eye, guys. I have an eye...

Watch out Rachel Zoe. There's a new raisin in town.

Off to the tanning salon, shall we?

By the by, the owl is made by a company called Velvet Moustache that makes a lot of really cute shit.

If you're into being green (it is all the rage...) and don't mind spending 6o bones on a little pillow, this is the place for you.

Cute and fun things to look at anyway, check it out.
http://shop.velvetmoustache.ca/

SEEYA!

TWITTER PRACTICE

2009-12-13T13:37:00.001-08:00

14o characters or less, right? You do the counting because I don't really give a shit.

"Nothing like a jazz-infused Sunday afternoon at home, penning an as of yet untitled print publication you'll love to hate, inspired by the end of the world and the first season of Friends. Pen pals, keep your eyes on your mailboxes."

M.A.C. "Spice" lipliner was all the rage and so are you.

Let's not talk about the weather, for Michael Snow has a new exhibit at Toronto's Power Plant.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/arts/michael-snow-worth-a-thousand-funny-words/article1397116/

Don't forget to go unlock your bike wherever you left because now is prime time for bike thieves with crazystrong hedgeclippers to come out and play. Run along now, take a break from the hot cocoa or you'll be sorry.

HGZ&KSSZ,

Nicola Jane Young

IT'S ABOUT TIME...

2009-12-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

If you only knew how many slime moments I've watched in the past 20 minutes...

I loved that show. I think that Lady Gag-Me's next costume should be "Oh shit! I just got slimed on You Can't Do That On Television!" The blood of Christ is so not a fresh concept...

Yup. The burger incidents were another highlight, for sure.

Next!

Next!

If you noticed our dear old friend Alanis Morrisette back there, that's my hair half the time, yup.

PARIS HILTON 4 CARL'S JUNIOR BURGER!!

2009-11-24T08:16:00.000-08:00

Just looked up Juergen Teller's book of Marc Jacobs Advertising (1998-2009) on Amazon and came across something...hilarious??

It's listed as costing $999.99!!! Is this some kind of sick joke?! Yeah, it's a hardcover but NO! UNACCEPTABLE!

Here's Harmony Korine eating a burger.

For the life of me (okay, I haven't tried that hard) I can't find what I really wanted to show you, which was the ad where he's praying in his bedroom with all this fun stuff kicking around and covering the walls.

Maybe I'll take a picture of it if I can make my camera work...

Anyway, if you know the ad and you've hung out in my bedroom, you know why they relate.

It all comes back to the WUNDERKAMMER!

This is something I learned about in UNIVERSITY! It means "CABINET OF WONDERS" or "CABINET OF CURIOSITIES"!!

I was so happy when I heard about it as the idea perfectly embodies my style of decor. Also, I like the sound of German, which is why I speak in a German accent relatively often.

I need to get my camera working so I can explain??

BRUCE LEE SHIT.

2009-11-23T10:11:00.000-08:00

I has too much homework to do anything but have you listen to this song I love.

As well as this song I love. I fell in love with this band and the lead singer (god damn you half-Japanese girls) this past spring.

This is from their latest album, Machine Dreams which didn't come out until late August so in April I was all listen hard at the 27:41 mark 'n shit to hear this song I love, referring to Gilles Peterson's BBC Radio 1 show that week. (As far as I'm concerned, The Gilles Peterson show is never not worth a listen.) Perhaps they are on Team Lars Ulrich, as this is taken from the same show; you can hear Gilles Peterson at the beginning. As aforementioned, Gilles Peterson can invite me over at 2 in the morning to drink red wine and listen to records anytime. It might be something like my non-sexual entanglement with Nicolas Cage. I like the sound of his voice and would like him to talk me to sleep.

Go on, check out Little Dragon because they are supercool and so are you.

Toddla-T has been helping me clean my room for half a year I'd say and so his set from Radio 1's In New DJs We Trust this week might help you clean yours too. Lucky for me, my room is not clean yet.

YOU SAY PARTY, WE SAY PAM ANDERSON!

2009-11-20T09:29:00.000-08:00

Now I don't know about you guys, but I love the idea of Pam Anderson and Vivienne Westwood hanging out.

If I'm supposed to know who the dude in these ads is, sorry, I have no idea. Vince Gallo's way less sexy little brother??

Have you ever heard of The Dinner Party by Judy Chicago?? I've started a list in my head of bomb honeys for a modern day version of a really fun time.

I want a dinner party with Pam Anderson, Peaches, Vivienne Westwood, Amanda Blank, Alanis Morissette, Betsey Johnson, Miranda July...that's it for now. (I guess Shannen Doherty can come too.)

Meanwhile, back in the T-Dizz, Katie and I are going to an art exhibit this afternoon at Mercer Union Centre for Contemporary Art called WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM: Print Ads and TV Spot by Artists.

LET'S GET OVER IT.

2009-11-19T10:51:00.000-08:00

Have you ever found yourself in bed with a ginger named Gus, whose last name you don't know and who in the daylight, you're pretty sure you're allergic to??

I'm hanging in my girl Katie's bed in reasonably cute underwears and all he can do is snore.

He's her neighbour's cat and apparently he's welcome. I think he's

a bit too at home but it's not really my place to say so. Plus, I kind of like his purring.

I'm taking a mini-break in Toronto right now, doing crazy things like wearing dresses and make-up and straightening my hair.

Last night I went to see Peaches at the Phoenix Amphitheatre with my long-losty Allison. We'd both lost our Peaches v-card in 2006 (she in Rome, I in Montreal) and had been waiting for this moment ever since. I had initially planned this voyage to see the show with Katie, but Katie ended up having to work, so I had to make do with Allison. Quelle delight...

Amanda Blank opened and I'd heard some of her new shit but mostly knew her through my B-MORE GUTTER MUSIC era, back when I used to stay up late and wear pink wigs. Her set was awesome, Allison and I were superstoked on it. Such a genuine performer, interactive with the audience and clearly having tons of fun and smiling for real and also, her love and excitement for Peaches was really cool/cute/fresh.

Peaches did not disappoint. She makes Lady Gag-me look like a Care Bear. Hooray for Peaches! There was a ridiculous amount of hair on the stage, some juicy sexy bodies shaking it, a halfway decent shower scene, welcomed laser beams, and a flashy-flashy clit light that was pretty hilarious. We forgave her for the lack of Lovertits in that she rocked it so hard that she threw up onstage. If this was planned, Jesus H. Christ, and if it wasn't, HOLY FUCKING AWESOME! It's funny how for some peeps, yarking onstage and spitting it on your audience would be a totally taboo career turmoil welcomer of epic proportions. For this honey, baby it ain't shit.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

There was no gigantornormous prop cock at this show which is okay, because last time I saw that, I had a scary dream that all the tween boys from 3 Ninjas were jerking eachother off and they had big man penises eventhough they were like, 9, 11, and 13. You can't make that shit up. JESUS.

I think that my friend Tasha Taylor aka T-Cup should open for them some day because she's awesome. Peep her colourful world at www.myspace.com/tcupyo.

This is T-Cup's Condom Song video and I like it.

We went to the afterparty at a place called The Social that I kept pretentiously calling Le Sociale by accident (there's a Le Sociale in Montreal). Before that I bought some sour jujubes, which I had been telling Katie earlier are seriously hard to come by. I should have stocked up, I'm such a fucking moron. So we had fun shaking it to the sounds of the once Montreal-based DJ Huggs, who now calls Los Angeles...Smell-ay?? Just joking. Juicy Couture smells great!

Tonight I'm going to see Tennessee Williams' Summer and Smoke with my friend Monica. So far, my mini-break is most excellent.

MOVE IT, SHORT STUFF.

2009-11-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to see Quench Your Thirst For Spots, the 56th edition of the Cannes Lions International Advertising Film Festival. It's playing at Cinema du Parc until the 28th so you should definitely go.

One of my favourites ties in with something very cool happening tonight in Montreal, the Worldwide Short Film Festival, which is free at 7pm at Cinema du Parc. I have to work tonight so I can't go but you should.

I know how you feel, brother.

Here we go...

This is funny and heartwarming. I love it.

I liked this ad for the most beautiful version of Donna Summer's I Feel Love ever. It was also really pretty to watch. It was not meant to be funny at all and it wasn't until the very end that it was. You'll see... Or maybe you won't because no one else in the packed theatre laughed except me.

What were they thinking with that VOICE?! Gag me with a spoon, my GAWD. It's the sort of voice that says things like "The Hills. Tuesdays at 8 on MTV." It belongs to the kind of girl whose boyfriend drives a white SUV with diamond studs in his ears. He always honks the horn when he comes to pick her up and he's never opened a door for her in his life. Did I mention he wears sunglasses at night?

That said, I'm sure it smells delicious. And it was directed by Chris Cunningham, who did Aphex Twin's Windowlicker video, which is one of the most off the wall coolest videos ever plus the song totally rules.

This one is funny for sure, especially because it reminded me of myself. Three out of four times I try to answer our phone, I have this problem. I'm not joking. I'm not an idiot. But this really happens to me.

This one was a major crowdpleaser.

I came across a followup ad from Heineken that's a bit funny too, and one from Bavaria that is also a bit funny. But you can go find them yourself.

I normally get grossed out with Pizza Pops ads but I liked this one.

This is not laugh out loud funny but great work, you guys.

A 1 second ad can really pack a punch.

For the backstory, go to 1secondad.com and watch the WAREHOUSE video.

Another very cool (I think it's free) thing happening in Montreal tonight that I am really sorry to miss is a talk with photographer Gabor Szilasi put on by the Montreal Camera Club. I hadn't heard of him until recently, when my mom sent me this picture in the mail that she got at his exhibit, The Eloquence of the Everyday, showing at the Canadian Museum of Contemporary Photography in Ottawa until January. You have to click on it to see the whole thing.

It now hangs behind my bed very close to my head, which is where I like to have dreamy pictures that might inspire cool dreams. I like to listen to this song and pretend I am the girl on the backseat. You should try it, I always have a great time.

YIPPIEKAYAY, MF.

2009-11-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

Don't you hate when Soul for Real jams are all "embedding disabled by request" and shit?? UGH. It's always the most has-been peeps that are on Team Lars Ulrich.

This is where I connect you to the Candy Rain video.

It's around this time that you might ask yourself, "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" and soon find out via wikipedia that...

"On February 25, 2009, group member Brian Dalyrimple was arrested in Charlotte, North Carolina on charges of identity theft. Prior to his arrest, Dalyrimple allegedly took his 10-month-old son from his grandmother's home and fled to a friend's home in Charlotte. Police were given a tip which led to his arrest. Dalyrimple, along with his son's mother, are accused of orchestrating financial thefts from over 200 victims in the Duluth, Georgia area and other jurisdictions."

If you don't know, now you know.

On an even darker note, I saw Antichrist on Friday and haven't slept since.

Seriously?? Well bees and gees, there's been so much talk surrounding it that I was expecting the worst of the worst of the worst, and it wasn't as bad as I expected. My friend Karen though, walked out in revulsion and never came back. When Liane and I later met her with her coat we were informed that we will never get to pick a movie ever again ever.

The preview is not a good primer by any means. It doesn't show the wacky shit, so watch out. If you don't care to see, say, genital mutilation and the battery of helpless animals in the midst of a deep dark forest, then this ain't for you, kid. It's not something I can ruin by explaining because it's not something I can explain. (P.S. If you haven't seen The Sixth Sense, I'm glad to tell you that Bruce Willis is actually a ghost. He's dead but he doesn't know it. Now you know!)

As I was saying, such is the whateverthefuck of Lars von Trier. I had seen one of this movies before, The Idiots, wherein (if memory serves correctly) a bunch of Danish peeps pretend to be mentally retarded and have lots of sex with eachother and make scenes in public places and are totally totally bonkers. It was sort of okay.

If you want to see Willem Dafoe's manhood in action, this must be the place. I wonder how much you get paid to fuck in an art film. Probably less than the Green Goblin's stunt double's stunt double. If you want to beat up Damien Hirst on a regular basis, you'll probably want to beat up Lars von Trier.

The funniest part of the movie was when I sneezed and Karen said "gazunteit". It was also a bit funny when I found myself thinking about how the last time I cried real tears from an opening sequence, was the The Lion King on Broadway (but actually in Toronto in the year 2000.) This video is not going to help you understand how incredible the beginning of The Lion King is but here you go.

Antichrist opens with a black and white slow motion shower to bathroom counter sex scene set to a Handel aria, and just as Charlotte Gainsbourg hits a high note, their baby, who we've watched make his way out of his crib and across the room and onto a chair and onto a dresser as they're making their way to climax...he tumbles out the window with his little teddy into a snowy night and it's ABSOLUTELY HEARTWRENCHING. And sorry to say it, it's beautiful. And I love to hate on how a dead shark hanging out in formaldehyde has come to be worth millions as much as the next guy. That said, I think Damien Hirst's unicorn is kind of funny, actually.

TELL ME WHAT YOU SAW.

2009-11-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

Last Friday marked the beginning of My Very Own Documentary Film Fest. I spent 6 out of 24 hours sitting in the dark at Cinema du Parc and it just so happened that every movie I saw was in the same theatre so I always sat in the same seat in the back left-hand corner all by myself, and that felt good.

First I saw Art & Copy. Not great. A friend of mine had told me it was supersweet but I was disappointed. Part of me wishes that was all I'd heard of it going in but I happened upon Matthew Hayes' not too stoked review in the Mirror first, wherein he described the film as something like a drawn out blow job to the advertising industry, completely lacking in critical perspective. I have to agree, it was pretty one dimensional. It was basically some big deals going over what made them big deals.

Thinking about the blowjob comment, I conjured up the unfortunate image of James Cameron giving himself a handjob. "I made Titanic! I made Titanic! People thought it wouldn't fly but I made Titanic! Everyone saw Titanic! I made Titanic! I'm a legend! Oh fuck, I'm gonna COME!"

That said, it was fun to learn the roots of some big campaigns that totally invaded my childhood. Nike's JUST DO IT, for example, was inspired by the overzealous last words of a death row inmate..."Let's do it!"

The meant to be heartwarming parts following a guy who puts up billboards for a living were pretty hey nice try bud. He's a construction worker, don't pretend he's your friend.

Enlighten Up! was the one that had me most stoked. "A Skeptic's Journey into the World of Yoga..." It's not just because I love yoga and would be lost without it that I loved this movie. And it ain't no BJ. Those of you who are amused by my taking yoga seriously (you know who you are...) might be pleased to know that the skeptic does not become one with Ghandi by year's end. Whatever you guys, I bet you five dollars you'll enjoy it. And the skeptic is a pretty cute Patrick Dempsey for the woman that doesn't get the whole Patrick Dempsey craze.

The other documentary I saw was Hommes à Louer, about Montreal men working in the sex trade. It was just interviews the whole way through, 143 minutes of the director behind the camera asking questions. Not that it wasn't interesting to hear about a side of life I knew nothing about, it was just too much sadness for too long. Like The Wrestler. Holy shit, that guy just can't catch a break. Sad from start to finish. Little to no hope. It's worth seeing though, especially if you live in or know Montreal as it's pretty hard-hitting to realize the shit that happens SO CLOSE TO YOU. Some of them are teenagers, most are under 25. ALL are addicted to crack. Duh I guess, but it still makes you want to cry. Final thought? Rent it so you can take a cupcake break. Heavy shit, be forewarned.

On a lighter note, don't these cupcakes remind you of that really fun game where you catch the fish??

Aiight, after all them docs, I invited my friend Ayan to go see Les Beaux Gosses on Sunday. First we ate some cheesecake at her place.

Soanyway. Holy wow, what a great movie! Go see it soon!

C.O.A.T.

2009-11-11T11:05:00.001-08:00

Walking behind these guys was probably the most fun I ever had on Saint Laurent.

This was just over a year ago. I wonder if their Transformers phase is totally over. From case studies all around me, I'd say that phase is forevs.

Next up, a pet skunk??

Skunks are like unicorns. Gotta catch'em. You don't run into skunks that often, especially in the city. I love skunks.

I also love Pepsi. This ranks high on my cutest shit of all time list.

That said, check THIS.

UKRAINIA MANIA.

2009-11-09T10:17:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm being kind of an asshole, but can you really wear your hair like this and expect to be taken seriously as a politician??

My first thought was, "What beautiful hair you have, Yulia Tymoshenko..."

My second was, "Wait, you're the Prime Minister of Ukraine?! But look at your hair!! Yulia Tymoshenko!!"

And now I'm thinking, "Great secret rose hanging out on your right shoulder! Is that some Marchesa outerwear??"

Most importantly...

SIENNA VS. YULIA!!!

You decide.

NICE PANTIES, GIRLFRIEND.

2009-11-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

The great thing about my roommate Mike is when I said, "You look like you're going to blow up school!" this morning on his way out the door, he smiled and laughed and went on his merry way as though I'd told him he looked like a lot of money.

I meant it as a compliment anyway, like "You look like Christian Slater's salary in Heather's! Way to keep your explosives in an agnes b carry-all, man! That's some real passion for fashion!"

You'd think that "You look like you're going to blow up school!" would be more likely to offend someone than "You look like you teach grade 3!" But you would be wrong. I still can't believe my sister hasn't killed me in my sleep for that one.

Moving on to some tasteful H1N1 jokes??

No but really, in the watch out for germs state of affairs, something moderately amusing has come to my attention.

Apparently when some people do coke, they make a point of not sharing the same end of a rolled up bill. "Ha!" I thought (and said aloud.)

This was met with, "The mucous membrane! Come on!" And then, "Isn't anyone afraid of H1N1?!"

I made some good points. "So when you stick it back in your wallet and take it out again later, I guess you've made a point of marking which end is yours..."

Blank stare.

"Furthermore, MONEY IS THE DIRTIEST THING AROUND! And what, no one else might have thought stuck that up their nose before you got it as change from your 15 pack of Tremblay?!

DOING DRUGS AIN'T REALLY THAT ORIGINAL.

If you really want to keep it clean, you should press your own one-hundred dollar bills to hand out as party favours. Case closed.,

Meanwhile, Eva Mendes' Calvin Klein ads never fail to brighten up my day.

Enjoy...

TAYLOR DUTH TRAHP.

2009-11-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

OH JEEZ. Clicked on this ad on craigslist this morning.

female assistant wanted (Montreal)

Date: 2009-11-06, 9:16AM EST Reply to: job-g5fcs-1453849529@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

Hi there. I'm a fit, fun, easy going attractive white guy looking for an assistant who can give me some feedback from a female point of view. I want to start doing strip shows for bachelorette parties and i really need to practice and get some experience. I'm looking for an assistant who can watch me and volunteer some time to help me get a routine that looks good. This would be on a voluntary basis whenever you have some free time. If you enjoy watching a fit, attractive guy strip, lol it's the perfect thing for you. I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, i just really need some help with this. It'll be fun!

Lord, DELIVER ME!

The most terrifying moment from my Gap model fantasy blowing up in my face was when Noah Mills' myspace profile came up and his quote beside his probably sexy picture was "I am a model, you know what I mean..."

Ohmigod, the worst. The WORST! Gag me with a spoon, it's over.

If you ever get the chance to watch this on the big screen, it's really something. If you think it's going to be the same thing over and over, wait til the five minute mark. And it is wrong that I just thought to classify it as Timothy McVeigh porn??

Everybody's got their something.

Soanyway. I went to the dentist this morning and read a fashion magazine (FASHION magazine) with a teenage Taylor on the cover. Who can keep track, I know. Closer inspection showed that the Taylor was Momsen and she's on Gossip Girl!

I'm not big/up on television, not that I'm too cool for it, I'm just really not that with it. I've heard about telly on the world wide web but we have some old-fashioned thing about bandwidtch restriction that means 3 to 5 I'm Too Sexy views a month, at most. Whenever I tell someone I can't watch whatever on youtube because we already went over our limit, there comes the joke, "HA! Do you have dial-up too?!" Then I do a really good dial-up impression and we laugh, oh how we laugh.

Okay so there's Taylor Momsen, Taylor Swift, and Taylor Taylor Swift's boyfriend, right?? (Taylor Hanson goes without saying. Taylor Hanson. Check!)

I bet they all have cousins named Madison.

Speaking of Madison, I overheard at Ben & Jerry's that...

"Yaw, Madison is soooo pretty, but she is SUCH a betch."

"Yaw, and she totally knows she's pretty too."

"Yaw, I know, it's sooooo true."

There were like 8 girls, brownie fro-yo types, out for a treat on a 21st birthday. That said, they ordered ice cream, but they were still the worst. They talked the talk of mean girls in movies/The Hills to the point that I almost spilled my mop water it was so funny.

Before I decided the birthday girl was maybe the worst of the worst, I liked her. She liked my coworker Heather though, because Heather guessed she was turning 19 and I guessed older (albeit correctly.) To get her back on my side (why, I do not know) I said, "Being twenty-one is SO much FUN!" And SHE said...

"PROMISE?!"

It was too funny.

The more I googleimage Taylor Hanson, the more I believe that this "one to watch" young (Davidoff Cool Water type) actor pointed out to me at the Calvin Klein party I went to with my girl PJ in September was in fact, Taylor Hanson doing that thing models do where they lie about their age and change their name to something cool like "Duth Trahp" to kickstart their careers.

And the more I googleimage Taylor Hanson, the more I remember that I forgot that he's in a band with James Iha from the Smashing Pumpkins??

BOYS IN WHITE JEANS.

2009-11-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

The other day my sister compared the appeal of someone we know to that of Andrew W.K. in that "You don't really know why you find him attractive but..." I responded with "No...sorry, no. Andrew W.K. is actually attractive. Clean all that shit off him and put him in a suit, I've seen it Hilary, he's not bad looking at all..."

This exchange came to mind this morning, as I put 2 raw eggs into the blender to mealify my liquid almost meal.

Keep in mind that the following is not really what I meant but anyway.

The facial expression is far too Taylor Hanson circa when you thought he was the hot one before you found out they were boys, thank you very much. And that open-mouth bit of tooth showing look is for girls sexing the camera, mainly Kate Moss and Scarlett Johanssen although it's only Scarlett Johanssen that needs to quit it.

I meant to be big upping Andrew WK, but that picture was just too funny to miss.

It's makes me feel the way I feel when I think about male strippers dancing to Right Said Fred in leopard print underwears.

Could be worse though. Remember when my Gap fantasy blew up in my face??

Moving on, rumour has it I look like Harry Connick Jr. when I wake up in the morning...

GIRLS ARE SOFT.

2009-11-04T06:46:00.001-08:00

I wrote the following on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend.

I just tried on a new perfume, l'Air du Temps. Caroliner was getting rid of it a few months ago and I decided the bottle would look nice with my perfume bottle collection on my cake stand. Never tried it though and today seems like as fine a day as any.

It was to be followed by some more talk of Love's Baby Soft, the perfume I had bought in Toronto a couple of weeks before, only to realize as I had suspected, that it smelled a bit like underage. As aforementioned, I think I bought it when I was 11.

(FUN FACT: Hannibal Lecter smells l'Air du Temps on Clarice and how disgusting is that.)

The ads are just as pretty ridiculous as they were 3.3 weeks ago.

Holy yuck, right?! She looks 13 (and a half...??)

At least this one looks a little more like she wants to dress up as a school girl. But isn't actually a schoolgirl.

She looks like she could be an older sister character in from out of town on the Partridge Family. Jersey City, anybody??

This one is just funny because it's like "hey, lose it on prom night if you know what's good for you, kid." Whereas teen mags today are full of "you totally don't have to lose it on prom night, you know..." bullshit.

BULLSHIT!! Everyone knows you gotta lose it by graduation.

No but seriously you guys, there was an article in the Globe and Mail a couple of weeks ago where this sex therapist was saying that "14 may be young to lose it but if you haven't had sex by 20, well that's too old."

This is of course, ridiculous. As my sister Hilary said in response to this jibber jabber, "You should only have sex when you want to have sex and you should not have sex when you don't want to have sex." This extends beyond the v-card thing to life in general! DUH!

In the other hand (yup, I went there), if you haven't masturbated and had an orgasm by 20, well that's too late. Not too late like your time has come and gone but too late like hop to it get a move on, don't be shy between your own thighs, you guys.

On that note, welcome to November, and have a great day.

(Click it for the BIG PICTURE!)

DANKE, YO.

2009-10-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

I had super weird dreams last night/this morning/this afternoon, when I finally escaped from someplace called Bayview Public School. It was called Bayview Public School but everything except the office and the bathrooms by the senior kindergarten classroom were different, and there were way more than 2 floors, which made it really scary and confusing when trying to escape from the bad guys. Also, this miniature older woman who is always begging downtown but not saying anything, she just chews on her cheeks and makes you feel sorry for her (sort of) but also really mad at her because she needs to up her game by now, come on...well, she was there but in the dream I loved her and wanted to say goodbye to her (she was going to die) but I kept losing her in the place called Bayview Public School because she was SO SMALL.

It's like how when I want to know if my roommate Mike is home, it's sometimes hard to tell even when I look in his bed and he is in there because he is rather thin and blends in with that airbrushed tiger faux fur excuse for a blanket he seems to love so much.

(This is actually a sorry excuse for Mike's occasionally cool excuse for a blanket. This tiger is way more tame than Mike's tiger. Mike's tiger is FEROCIOUS.)

Moving on.

If I don't want to get in super trouble with life, I should set out within the next 15 to 20 business minutes to get me a new job. Even though it's raining and that's pretty living on the edgish, don't you think?? But my fortune last night said "Good luck is just around the corner." so there that is.

Besides, I've been living on the edge big-time this week anyway, check it.

A couple of days ago I wore flared jeans, aaaaand all week long I've been using something I bought at DOLLARAMA to get that subtle year-round glow of THE ISLANDS.

Top THAT, you rebels.

Now consider whether or not French people say it like this.

"Treeskwee..."

MARS/VENUS.

2009-10-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

A week or two ago, my dad e-mailed me to say that he had just gotten a strange phone call from an old high school friend he hadn't spoken with in 35 years. He didn't go into detail; just mentioned that she had a son living in Montreal and did I know him. (I did not, although I am a great believer in the small world.) A few days ago I remembered that I never asked what prompted this woman to call him after 35 years and so I asked. My parents share an e-mail address, a bed, their convection ovens, and the odd recipe (as well as a lovely home.)

Sharing is good stuff, right?

So, I read this e-mail from my dad today first, sent yesterday at 7:56:41 PM.

"As to why my friend Betsy called you will think this is rather funny. My very first girlfriend, Charlie (Cheryl) and Betsy and Jane Shaw all from Port Arthur originally were visiting In White Rock where Betsy lives, sitting on her deck drinking wine looking out over the ocean and said that they all should have married me. Is this a compliment I am not sure. I am sure they said it and then started to laugh uproariously and then they decided to phone me and I have quite a good chat with them and it was kind of fun at least to be remembered in a relatively positive way, no?"

Then I read this e-mail from my mom, sent yesterday at 9:48:31 PM.

"Dad will not likely admit it, but when his old friend called she had 2 other old school friends visiting for the weekend and they had agreed that John was the one they wished they had married, so they called to tell him so!! He is too modest to tell you this."

This is clearly HILARIOUS.

This is my dad in his modest days of youth, before he realized he was such a catch.

And this is my mom around the time she started thinking my dad was such a catch.

Ain't she cute?!

Her e-burst of pride closed with this...

"I am fully aware of how lucky I have been to find such a guy!!"

Gee whiz, old peeps are the cutest.

(Relax, I know they're not that old.)

Have a nice day...

GAG ME WITH A SPOON.

2009-09-29T13:31:00.001-07:00

Now I must say, I didn't expect to be surfing the world wide web in my underwear on this rainy Tuesday afternoon, clicking on craigslist ads that say things like...

Looking For Someone With Lots of Blackheads/Whiteheads in Montreal (downtown Montreal)

I thought it was the work of some fetishist (strangers? really??) but it turns out this person is testing out their own brand of pore strips...REALLY?? I am surprised to say that I went so far as to click on the links for examples of ideal candidates, as represented on youtube. Did you guys know about this?? People filming themselves squeezing their faces close-up?? REALLY??

Moving on, I'm looking at craigslist (eventhough Hilary told me it's not the best place to look for jobs) because my attempt at finding out how one goes about getting a job at a library didn't go so great and I'm feeling disheartened.

Why am I looking for a job, you say?? Well, have you ever had the feeling you're getting fired without explanation because of a bizarre love triangle that you're not personally involved in but happen to be aware of, perhaps more than some of those actually involved in the triangle?? Let's keep it cryptic until I know what the fuck is up but right now I'd say I'm peeved/livid/irked and asking you kindly to please, send cash.

I cried in desperation to Hilary that I should just go get a sexy bar job like everyone else and she told me to think about what I like. She told me I like writing and books. I also like stationery and stickers.

Hilary suggested I walk down the street to the library today and ask how one goes about getting a job in a library. I was going to do this but first I decided to try and get a library card. Actually, first I decided to run into my friend Brent and take a 3 block detour with him because I hadn't really talked to anyone all day, so naturally we were on the verge of goodbye in the middle of sidewalk in front of his doorstep for what he probably felt was too long because he certainly needed to go pee??

So, I'm trying to be friendly to the library man and I'm three words into my I lost my library card schpiel when he SHUSHES me and makes note of the echoing potential surrounding us. So I forget about asking him if I can read to the little ones in the kids section or whatever because he OBVIOUSLY THINKS I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A LIBRARY BEFORE. (Little does he know, I took out 248 books in my time at Concordia and there were months where I spent more time there in silence than with living/breathing folk who would hope to call me their friend.) Then I go out what I think is the out door and it won't let me out and an alarm goes off and I mutter something about how I thought it was the out door, step into the rain, and promptly burst into tears. I forgot to mention that I didn't get to join the library because apparently the cheetah postcard Guzzo sent me last week doesn't count as proof of address??

Then, since I invited Anaise over for dinner and all I have is cheddar cheese, I go to 4 Frères with the intention of buying poor food meaning 99 cent bread and ketchup if I'm going to get really bougie. I decide that since I have a whole 14 dollars in my bank account (not that I have to prove anything to YOU but I actually have more this time, I just happen to have a hold on it til...well, next week actually...) maybe I'll buy some salad stuff to make it a balanced meal of sorts (we already have plenty of red wine) but INSUFFICIENT FUNDS and then INSUFFICIENT FUNDS and then INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. I don't understand because I didn't spend that money but lucky me, Scotiabank at my corner closes at...like 2pm?? REALLY??

I wonder if the MASSAGE PARLOUR down the block pays CASH. I know they're open late.

(C U IN HELL.)

OUT 2 BRUNCH, BABY.

2009-09-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between more and most importantly, comes the question "Have you seen the Gap guys right now??" My bestie-best Katie and I were having a semi-heart-to-heart at this time yesterday in Toronto over a stellar Mexican breakfast at a place La Hacienda, when it occurred to me to interrupt her as visions of my favourite danced through my head. To my great satisfaction, she was keen to take that detour with me, in exclamation of "Oh my god, I KNOW!"

I'm not sure why I sauntered into the Gap on Bloor in the first place on Friday...wait, yes I do, it had something to do with how the Oxford shirt wearing fellow I'd been knocking boots with was just not that into the Love's Baby Soft perfume I purchased when left to my own overly nostalgic devices in the garden of Eden that is Honest Ed's on Wednesday. I bought it because it was two dollars and it was the first perfume I paid money for when I was 11 or so and deeply under the influence of YM magazine. I imagined it would smell like underaged girls, and the noses of three boys I questioned about it came to overwhelming conclusion that Love's Baby Soft is not something I should smell like at the ripe old age of 24. Last time I sauntered into the Gap, they had inoffensive eau de toilettes for the sampling, and I thought it would be nice to smell like something clean and fresh yet midtwenties-ish?? As it were, no such scents were to be found, but I was faced with an army of identically 6 foot nined billboards and my knees got so weak I had to leave.

On this rainishy Sunday afternoon that is today, I vowed to unfold the fold-up army that came in last month's ELLE and have another look at the one that really got me, which isn't to say that the Davidoff Cool Waterish guy is yours for the taking.

Soanyway, he's the one in the blue t-shirt and Authentic jeans.

He's got more mischief than our boy Davidoff, no?? Turns out he has a name too!

"Noah Mills."

With any luck, my galpal who's knocked boots with some Jean-Paul Gaultier posterboy will find her way into those Authentics, if not that other galpal who always seems to be trysting with someone google-imageable...

Our man of the hour doesn't translate as well through cyberspace as he does in real-life (read: 6 foot nined billboards) and it turns out if you google-image him some less than what I'm into representations of the man come up.

For example...how is this the same person??

Can we really take this out to Sunday brunch??

The answer is, he was probably like 12 in this picture so YES WE CAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IS IT

2009-09-21T16:39:00.001-07:00

I can't believe that only right now at 7:39 PM, has it occurred to me what day it is today! Or rather what night! That's right boys and girls, the 21st night of September and I think if you were to look back in time on my world wide web log, you would see that there's something I make a point of sharing at this time every year...

Finally, at 8:13PM, the perfectly cutest GOLDEN YEARS couple walks in hand in hand, asking where the best place to take a nice walk tonight would be. Turns out they've been everywhere romantic I could think of and so I tell them I've been waiting for them and I play them September.

They're happy/it's perfect; see you next year!

STONE'S THROW AWAY vs. JUST AROUND THE RIVERBEND

2009-09-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

The party was a blast. No one stole my nailpolish or anyone's virginity. Perf.

And I made some new boy pals that live across the street! Enter the new Nick and JP! 2.0!

Okay not really because those two are irreplaceable.

But it's always fun to have boys a stone's throw away to shoot the shit with and have accidental slumber parties with when a stone's throw seems far too far away.

My friend Noah from high school just moved to Montreal across the street from me so he doesn't count but his roommates do be new; Nick and Gab they are called. When I turned them onto the best radio station of all time this morningternoon (AM 940), Rod Stewart's Young Turks came on which made me feel a bit sentimental because it reminds me of the first pants off (and shirts too in their case) dance party I had with Nick and JP on the first Wednesday of July.

Noah made me watch a play-by-play of the new Diablo game. JP says it's called "DIABLO 3" and he's excited for it too. Maybe we can all be friends??

Anyway, the play-by-play is like 10 minutes long which is about 15 longer than it should be but I feigned me some good interest for sure. Then I made Noah watch the trailer for Jennifer's Body and he said it looked stupid so I guess we're going to see it on Tuesday. I already have plans to sure this sure to be incredible cinematic experience with Liane but I don't think she will mind. She and Noah have both just started Film Studies at Concordia, so I think it should work out great. I'm generally pretty good at setting up friendships. JP is finally ready to make Candice his platonic steady. And now that I think about it, they first met the night of our first pants-off, see you next year!

WHAT'S UP, FRIDAY?!

2009-09-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

To start things off, the latest e-mail from my dad, entitled WHAT A VARIED LIFE WE LEAD.

Well, the peony talk was riveting. The best thing was hearing about a new Ito peony called Hilary. It looked very nice. No doubt they are working on a Nicola as we speak. Then we went to Shopper's to buy bus tickets for me. Then we ate a bowl of popcorn and tried to watch TV not too successfully because we could not get some of the channels to work. Ok bye Pxoxox

In case you didn't know, my sister's name is Hilary and I am known to be jealous of her on occasion so this is funny.

I decided to venture back on here as I waited for a call from my #2 dentist's secretary...

I made an appointment back in May for September 24th and the joke at the time that went on for as long as September seemed far away, was that "the only thing I know about my future is that I have a dentist appointment on September 24th", as people tend to ask you a lot about your future when you finally graduate from university.

I happen to be loving this sense of not knowing what is to come in a big way.

In the past few months, all kinds of good shit has happened unexpectedly and I'm pretty sure I'm truly happier than I've been in years.

This is first September since I sauntered into Therèse's junior kindergarten class in 1989 that I haven't been in school. I will always remember that morning, hearing the friendly voice of the woman that would turn out to be the mother of the girl that would turn out to be my best friend for years to come, and being surprised to see she had strawberry blonde hair, when for some reason I had expected it to be black from the sound of her voice. I sat with my new friend Manat on the bus on the way home, and I showed her the Little Mermaid changepurse I had received on my 4th birthday a couple of weeks before; clear plastic with water inside it with sparkles you could shake around to heighten the magic of Ariel's daydreams. I was the last on the bus that day, as I had forgotten to get off at my stop with my brother sometime before Manat got off last and I was left truly last. It was lucky it turned out that way because I had no time to be afraid.

Anyway, I'm working two jobs which works out to 6 days a week for the most part and I'm happy about this. I feel for the first time in forever that I haven't any catching up to do. Of course there's always something to improve upon and a future to be pondered, but I don't feel any immediate stress right now which is unfamiliar and fantastic. I know I won't always scoop ice cream and work at a dep and I know that I will eventually continue with school, be it in a year or two and a half.

WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES WE DO.

Housewarming HAUS PARTY at my new pad tonight, and the presence of one of my nearest and dearest, my beloved Katie Hermon. I'm looking forward to the company of people I enjoy in the warmth of walls that are orange and a lime green bathroom with no fan.

More to come on upcoming fun with Hollerado and what the hell is wrong with everyone except me and Kweku in regards to knowing the difference between BOYZ II MEN and ALL 4 ONE.

To be fair, another nearest of dearests that I'm going to go dish with later this afternoon totally knows what's up on the ALL 4 ONE front. Alas, Danielle Taylor was not there to be on our side at Trivia Night at Grumpy's last Sunday when the whole bar was wrong except us and it certainly didn't end in justice. Before we knew it, someone used iphone as VERB and it was definitely time to get the hell out of there. That said, it was fun to see off our Australian friend Adam that night, and I sealed it with an eskimo kiss (I don't know the politically correct name, sorry) and would you believe that three weeks ago Adam had never even had an eskimo kiss?? It was the funniest, I made him close his eyes so I could give him one and he scrunched up his face like an ewgross four year-old. IT WAS PERFECT. So was summmer, see you next year!

BACK 2 COOL

2009-09-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

This is the first September since 1989 that I am not in school. SERIOUSLY!

To anyone who missed Pauly Shore here last night, you snoozed and losed, bud.

TXT FLRT!

2009-08-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

WHADDASUP.

Cool/cute text to landline of the day from my homegirl Anaise who is hip to the fact that a robot delivers that noise.

"YO YO YO YO YO THIS IS THE DIGITAL VERSION OF YOUR BUDDY ANAISE WANT TO HANG LATER CALL ME BEAUTIFUL"

It was funny because it sounded like she wanted me to call her beautiful in the way that some people say CALL ME DADDY. But really, I just think she thinks I'm pretty...

She's totally pretty but the truth is I only really like her for her tambourine...

("NAW, NAW, JUSS PLAY'N")

And here we have Kweku on the left and Captain Jazzhands in the middle and Joseph on the right.

These kids is my Uplift Choir peeps.

REEEEEEE-SPEK.

[These pics is from Bluesfest a few weeks ago.]

Oh my! Anaise is here! Kweku is coming!

Sangriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

And also! My long lost friend Emma from New Zealand is coming to hang/slumber party later! I have not seen her in three years! COOL!

And also! Me and Mike Chui and Hilary finally found an apartment today! It's on Parc at St. Bernard and I'm really happy about it. It has a cheerful lime green bathroom with a skylight and a sweet little backyard in which I will drink coffee in my underwear and other secret stuff, maybe drop some cartwheels, who knows.

WANNA HAVE BOOBIES??

2009-08-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

Aujourd'hui j'ai an appointment with a CAREER COUNSELOUR...

The best is how I just looked up the words to that Pussycat Dolls song WHEN I GROW UP only to find that what I always heard as "I wanna have boobies" is "I wanna have groupies"?? Really?? Any takers??

P.S. Osheaga was superfun! Sabotage was "rad"! So they say! COOL!

MONSIEUR PIEDLOURDE ICI.

2009-08-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have glass in my feet, it builds character.

In case you didn't know, if you decide to rock out naked in your bathroom with an empty bottle of Coors Light as a substitute hairbrush (meaning a pretend microphone) you WILL inevitably be distracted by the size of your pores and a zit you didn't even know was there and you will half get on the counter to get a better look, promptly elbowing your mic to the ground equaling broken glass everywhere including the hallway.

All things said and done, I just got one of the coolest text to landline messages from my friend Howie...

"LISTEN ALL Y'ALL IT'S A NICOLA!"

This is a play on Beastie Boys because tonight I am performing Sabotage at Osheaga with Hollerado and Howie thinks that's exciting. So do I!

I think I am going to wear my black taffeta prom dress of the ruffly tube variety and my Arizona Iced Tea boots...

I am really excited to rock out with the choir because we had SO MUCH FUN last time. Yup yup yup, tell your baby mama's mamas...the show is at 10:15 ce soir.

Howie says that he would come but he is en route to Ottawa to play at Ska Fest Oh Nine. His band Stepper has a show at Maverick's tonight, actually they have two shows, one at 8 and one at 11. I was telling him how my cousin Peter's band is playing in the festival as well and when I told him the name of the band Howie was all "No way! We've totally played with them before!"

Small world dot see eh, eh?? Also, when Howie was on tour this past month, he passed Hollerado on the highway! They have a very distinctively decorated van. Howie's band's van broke down three days into their month long tour. Talk about a bummer! They soldiered on and rented one and since all the innards of the van were effed the fuck out, they sold the van for what it was worth in the bummered condition it was in and I do believe he said it came out to 30 dollars cash! Lame lame lame.

Anyway, my cousin Peter's band is Tea for the Voyage and they play at the Rainbow Bistro on Murray tomorrow... hmmmmm...afternoon and evening??

Anyway, la la la la la, I'm nervous but excited, have a lovely day.

P.S. Oh my gosh, the funniest thing was when I was working Friday at 10 pm and I went to la Boite Karaoke all by myself at like 9:46 and did Sabotage and then walked right off stage and out the door. The idea was that I wanted to practice but didn't really care to hear any whatthefucks, I just wanted to cruise in and cruise out and that's just what I did, PEACE.

CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG

2009-08-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

First words of the day from a strange man in my living room=

"Meanwhile, shotgunned 12 beers each last night, so if I'm looking a little fat in the mid-section, you know why..."

My house is filled with other people's boyfriends! And their 6'5 friends who run 10k a day! Totally out of my league though, right?

That said, I've been doing 5k not everyday but sometimes with Denise in the past few weeks and on Thursday we cut down our time by 3 minutes! I'm pretty sure we took a shortcut though because she's like this giggly love machine since her steady cruised into town Wednesday night from Oklahoma City bearing gifts of Swedish Berries and googly-eyed meals on the town. Oh, the magic of long-distance relationship run-ins...n'est-ce pas?

But anyway, it's fun to see Old Spice in the bathroom, deoderant AND the body wash.

And to judge these boys for going to an all-you-can-eat buffet at a strip club for lunch.

Shotgun just not that into it, it's all yours and it smells like Old Spice. But thanks for sharing your whisky and giving me your Crown Royal marble bag, it was a nice touch.

THE POOR MAN'S BROOKE SHIELDS

2009-07-26T20:35:00.001-07:00

Just got back from a fantastic scary movie I saw with my long-lost friend from high school Evan Miller.

I'm definitely a gasper and a screamer when it comes to scary movies, a coverer of eyes and ears, a hugger of her own knees and a terrified grabber of neighbours' thighs. This was no exception.

I ran into Evan in the early evening at the bookstore where I was buying a pretty notebook and a Dennis Lee book of poetry called SO COOL (about the trials and tribulations of being a teen). Evan was on his way to catch a flick at Fantasia and invited me to join his alone self for the it starts in fifteen minutes show at Concordia. So onward we went and HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, it was the scariest thing ever and in this totally terrifying slow way that is not what I've experienced in most of my (admittedly limited) scary movie watching career. Isn't there usually a bloody murder within the first seven and a half minutes?? This was so scary even before anything gruesome happened, and nothing gruesome happened for quite a while. And then when it did, OH MY GOD. Here's the trailer.

It was a perfect end to an awesome weekend. We talked about what's the deal with fixed gear bikes sans breaks (the deal equals no deal kids, they're silly), how we're going to make it happen as writers (top secret, y'all), this long-forgotten cult that was all the rage in the spring of grade 10 (thanks to me and Katie and some ballpoint pens and pentagrams), and how music is fun and Evan will be rocking out on Thursday and I will be rocking out on Friday with Hollerado and the Uplift Choir that is seriously so much fun so far you guys, seriously. Evan told me he's been in this band Whiskey Trench since May and I was like no way, I used to make out with the drummer years ago, how crazy is that. Not as crazy as some other way fun coincidences that have thankfully plagued me as of late.

[IN RELATION NOTE: Their show is on Thursday at Escogriffe.]

More on that later?? For now I leave you with the poor man's Brooke Shields.

Nice try, Michelle Johnson.

Michelle Johnson, you''ll never Suddenly Susan in this town again/ever, Michelle Johnson.

PEACE OUT, MICHELLE JOHNSON!!!

PLEASURE PLEASURE FUN FUN

2009-07-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

My sister opened my eyes to this wonder yesterday.

It made me feel good, you know?? I think we should all file it in the wait I'm sure there's something in here that could make me feel better file. High fives all around, thanks Hilary.

Also, this has been me since Sunday.

Today my friend Tuan Dinh is going to fix me up a little bit so I look like less of person missing one of her key front teeth in its entirety.

Funny thing is I think I look sort of pretty, maybe I miss this little space I used to have between my teeth before they got knocked the fuck over and out.

So I'm like, cool, a big space!

Yesterday, cinq a septing it with Nick and my new galpal Anaise (A-NA-EESE), I got this apricot beer with a lemon in it and they were like spit the seed out of your hole and I was like you asked for it, and Nick was like, when my teeth were fucked I would stuck a cigarette in the space and smoke it and I was like no thanks, but that is sort of funny.

Yesterday, in betwixt sept and my cross-town mission to track down Blame It On Rio, I came home to a frantic Denise with worried hands and eyes and face, saying "Something terrible happened. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this." Naturally, I think that someone I care about is seriously hurt or dead. Hilary is the same way. She was telling me how last week this Olymic gold medalist we know showed up at our front door in Ottawa, with "some really bad news".

Hilary was mad at him when he revealed that his knee injury or something was being a biatch and that his faraway doctor was like go see a doctor where you are to see if it's infected or whatever, and my parents are doctors. Yes, keeping in tip-top shape is his livelihood or whatever but still. He'll be fine but my Expos whisky glass will not be. That was the terrible thing that happened. Denise broke what she knew was my favourite glass. I was practically overjoyed at this news and laughed in her face and told her really, don't worry about it.

More on Rio later, I gotta go to the dentist.

CYCLING IS FUN.

2009-07-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

This song really suits the truth.

Apparently Shonen Knife are touring North America in a hot minute, which means that maybe I can see them in New York City in either October or November because maybe that would be fun.

Yesterday I saw one of my very talented Second Cup foam art boys on the street promoting his comedic endeavours. I don't know how funny they are but his gang has a show at Just For Laughs until the 26th and maybe we should all go and look at their website and judge whether or not it might maybe be a funny outing.

UNDERPLAYED AND IN DEMAND: Alternative Comedy Sells Out

Turns out the web site is basically the same as the flyer but with a colour photo. So now I know the colour of their clothes. I don't have to guess anymore! Cool to know guys, but maybe one of you should wear red next time or something. The plaid couch is a nice touch though, see you there.

Lately when cruising on my loaned from Liane cycle I have crowned Sister Nancy, I find myself asking myself "On a scale of one to ten, how excited are you for your Golden Grahams??"

By lately I mean since yesterday but wow, am I ever excited.

I went to buy an avocado yesterday and came out with no avocado but I did ball out with Corn Pops and Golden Grahams. I haven't bought let alone eaten Corn Pops in about two years I'd say and I have never bought Golden Grahams, I'm not even sure why I decided I maybe liked them but wow, was I ever right.

Corn Pops are still super good though. I thought I'd ease into it yesterday, getting two mugs and filling each with their own special cereal, so as to not confuse the milk with this momentous romantic encounter. Turns out they get along great so since then I've been into putting them in the same bowl, maybe even giving them a little flirtatious toss, who knows.

Nick Paget and I are going museuming this aft and then lots of fun stuff will happen when JP gets home from work, I'm sure. Like they will play Nazi Zombies and I will paint my nails and every now and then we'll remember how cute Demi Moore's rack was pre-implants...

...and JP will come up with rude but fitting nicknames for Rumer Willis.

So see Blame It On Rio, that's what I bet we're doing later because JP won't stop talking about it.

Do you think that the other girl is maybe the worst actress of all time??

Can't wait.

Too bad she showed her booms in her first flick or she might have had a really successful career, you know, like Pheobe Cates.

By now we've all forgotten what Pheebz looks like minus the red bikini top, I'm sure.

[Lest we forget...]

WHAT'S THE DIRT?!

2009-07-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

Looks like an okay day for Scrabble, no??

Not long ago, I commented to an old friend how much he had grown up since we first met. Real jobbishing it from 9 to 5, he spoke the truth: "Well Nicola, sooner or later you realize you can't do blow off car trunks at 4 am forever." If I mentioned his name it might imply that I think drugs are cool and they're not, but we definitely had a good chuckle over that one and I think his sitcom timing is perfect.

Like all good fans, I checked out this friend's recycling box as I strolled by it yesterday, just in case there was something valuable to sell on ebay. Truth be told, I saw there were some posters and wanted to see what he had decided was worth pitching. One was a map (which you obviously don't need when you have found your sense of direction in life??) And the other was a pretty funny thing to find in an I'mgrowinguppers' recycling box.

It's definitely a first-year university poster. Just ask my sister! She had it in res at Dal and her floorperson was all "Hey are you a lesbian, you can tell me you know" and she was all "Gag me with a spoon" probably.

Next week's recycling may include the we smoke pot and own a snake house staple number one.

Or the we do lines off vintage French porno mags and pop our collars house staple number duh what did you expect.

On the look at me growing up tip, last week I got a fantastic poster 15 year-old Brooke Shields wearing nothing but wide eyes and Keith Haring painting and I hung it over my bed, above Michael Jordan dunking vs. the Lakers.

In conclusion, let's blow off fifth and hit the mall for a calorie fest and the latest Christian Slater.

You in??

REAL TALK: read only file.

2009-07-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

The rumours are true, la vita e bella.

Be forewarned that I'm about to get real and if you came for the silly, today ain't it.

THIS IS JUST FOR READING AND YOU MIGHT NOT DIG IT.

When packing up my belongings on Drolet last month, I opted not to carry on with my journals begun in 1993. Not that I wouldn't keep writing, just that I wouldn't keep my past at arm's length for easy but often aggravating reference.

If you hadn't already heard, I remember everything that ever happened ever. It's a slight exaggeration but ever so slight. Seriously.

I also have a compulsion to write everything down and keep track of the most inane things, like how I bought an AERO chocolate bar on March 17th, 1996 at 5:27 pm at IGA in a small-town Alberta small-town with name that means nothing to me because we were probably only passing through.

Truth be told, a lot of the things I wrote in the early to mid-90s, are certified gut-busters, I'm telling you, this shit is funny. The high school parts are relatively amusing in a cringe-worthy way that is sometimes sad but pretty vital if I ever hope to be grown-up and have some real understanding of what it's like to be a teenager in a way that allows me to be friends with two or three of them, maybe even some I made with someone who is cool, who knows.

Notice I said teenager and not teen. It's because I'm being serious. And being a teen is serious stuff.

Without them in front of me, I can think of nine journals amassed since grade 2. They sit safely in my parents basement, or maybe in the closet I always closed before I went to sleep when I was small, so as to not be taunted by the 6'4 faceless man in a trenchcoat that hung out in there scaring the shit out of me.

My high school ramblings are plagued by a now painfully obvious sense of self-censorship that started to evaporate when I turned 18. I used to write the truth and apologize for it in the same sentence, as though the people that loved or hurt me would need an explanation.

It's funny because I never even realized that writing was my favourite thing until a couple of years ago, but I wrote in a way that oddly anticipated readers and I know that in reading the once-private ramblings of writers I admire, like Joyce Carol Oates, they are most gripping in that they were not written for me but for she or he who wrote them.

My journals over the past six years are the real deal, and they are for me, which isn't to say that I don't in the back of my mind consider that my truths may be unearthed eventually by someone other than myself. I guess I think that at that point I will be long gone and it will not really matter who I offend with my loves and loathes and pretensions.

It's not so much that my journals are filled with secrets, more so extensions of what people close to me are already aware of but that I would not like to overwhelm them with. There are times I wish I could have talked more than I wrote but I think I'm learning.

This year has been particularly overwhelming and particularly not at all what I would have anticipated a year ago this month. Keeping track of myself in writing will go on forever, but I'm going to try to put more talking into the mix as I wish I'd done after my accident last summer which set off some major bummer feelings that I failed to acknowledge or begin to deal with until it all went from major to majorly major.

A lot of fear and anxiety came about near the end of last summer, and I kind of tried to pretend I didn't feel different except in a great way that offered me a renewed lust for life. I didn't want to feel anything but lucky and happy but walking the walk is easier said than done. There was a particular hospital happening that became the most terrifying night of my entire life because I honestly felt that I was going to die and since you're not me that might seem ridiculous because I was talking the talk a month later but I felt different with a thousand new worries about everyone and everything I couldn't control and it sucked so I tried to pretend I felt happy-go-lucky but I didn't. And when I realized how much pretending I'd been doing it was like MAJOR TSUNAMI, LOOK OUT! But it was too late.

My regrets have shrunk by a thousand in the past month or two and I am filled with the reassurance that every era of lameness brings some light and also with the good fortune of having a sunny disposition that sometimes hides but is never really gone.

What was I talking about?? Oh that's right, journals.

Soanyway, it's all fine and well to record your life as it passes but also pretty important to live it and not dwell on all the shit you wrote too soon, at least not for five or ten years when your perspective has multiplied by nine thousand.

Too often I have looked in the way too recent past to understand why things unfolded as they did and usually my writing is just a way more gut-wrenching look at what is already gut-wrenching in my memory, so it's not exactly beneficial.

My journals ought not to be burned but I realize that I carry enough of myself with me when I'm naked as it is, so off they go to Ottawa.

This has been all over the place but what I wanted to tell you is that people are good. Packing up my life on Drolet the week after my holiday in June, I realized that the slightly overripe pea-green leather notebook I began in March was nowhere to be found. It wasn't in Ottawa, it wasn't in my apartment, I hadn't remembered seeing it since our holiday but I couldn't fathom how I could have let such a heartfelt record of myself disappear like that.

The cool thing was that I knew I was feeling happy and good about myself again because it didn't make me cry. And it wasn't because I'd become numb to feeling bummers, it was because I knew that whether or not I had record on paper of the way I felt, I was in touch with myself and true to myself.

For a far-away stranger with no knowledge of the people or places I wrote about, it would certainly make for a juicy summer read...

When they finished they could file it between The Bell Jar and Prozac Nation!

Or would this stranger be someone who shares the compulsion to write things down and make it their mission to return my tome to me...

Now and then I have scolded myself for my carelessness; missed the buttery green leather and the soft white ribbon that kept my place. But these moments have been thankfully fleeting.

So you know that Christina Aguilera song where she says they say if you love something let it go??

The saying is something about if it comes back, you never lost it.

If I never got my little green journal back, would the pieces of myself I put in it just disappear?? The answer is no! Lucky me!

I let go of the security I thought I got from having my life records at arm's length and wouldn't you know it, yesterday I got an e-mail from a sweet little lady named Monica in les Iles de la Madeleine and she will be sending me my little green notebook shortly.

I'll be glad to have it back but I'm going to do something I've never done before. I am going to put it away before I have a chance to review it enough that the slivers of photographic memory I have effortlessly blow it open to the lowest of lows, although miles and miles away from the tangible pages themselves.

I lost something else last month that I thought would make me more upset than it did.

On January first of this year, I wrote myself a letter to be opened ten years later by an infinitely older and wiser version of myself.

I had had a conversation the night before that opened doors I thought I had closed, and unearthed feelings I was unaware existed. I realized that everything I had felt somewhat sure about was actually pretty all over the place, but sealing these thoughts in a self-addressed stamped envelope kept them at a distance without disregarding them entirely. Even though my journal was just for me, writing about what may or may not be in ten years with complete honesty was too much to have at my fingertips. So I sealed it up and sent it away, and continued to to do this at the beginning of every month.

June got lost though. And July was never written. But it's okay, I'm okay with it!

Now I see that these letters I refuse to rip open for at least a decade were a sort of preparation for letting go of the words I allow to weigh more than they should.

Words and memories will always dance around in my head begging to be written down and this is sometimes seriously annoying but ultimately I think it's a good thing.

So the final thought is get your innards out in whichever way suits you, but try not to think too much. Less thinking, more living. L-I-V-I-N. With a reasonable amount of caution, of course.

20TH EPISODE, 4TH SEASON.

2009-07-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Hey sup, three cheers for Mike Chui for being the only man who's ever said he was into coming to yoga with me at 9am that actually followed through with it. That said, my dad is pretty cool because he came once at 10am which isn't that early if you normally go to work at 7am but when you're on holiday it is.

Other cool peeps in my midst include long-losters JP and Nick, re-introduced into my life a fortnight ago which is cool because they live about 1.6 minutes away from me and seem to have an open bar whenever I come over.

JP is a big fan of ripping his shirt apart and Nick is a big fan of supporting JP's shirt-ripping endeavours and defending JP's honour should anyone suggest JP is anything more than a sweet little squirrel who wouldn't hurt a nut.

They are my gay boyfriends besides the fact that they are not gay.

They are, however, basically going steady.

After a couple of years living in Paris, Nick decided to spend the summer with JP in Montreal being a trophy wife. JP gets up early to go to work as a big cheese in the video game biz and comes home to dine with Nick in the evening, Nick who will most likely be sipping on a cosmo and keeping his carbs in check.

When I asked Nick what he does with his days, he told me "Oh not much. I basically wake up, go to the gym, and wait for JP to come home." He also tidies a bit around the house.

Yesterday I stopped in on them around 7pm on the way home from my yoga class and I was like "what'sup" and they were like "making dinner"and I was all "great, I'll be back in 10, I just need to have a shower before choir practice."

Since I'm not working much I guess I'll just go steady with Nick and JP considering all I did yesterday was wake up, go to the gym, and hope that JP was home so we could all have dinner. Nick and Nicola need to keep up their fitness for JP's sake. He works so hard, at the very least he should have some platonic taut and toned young things to ogle after a long day at the office. [They say if I flash them every two weeks I don't ever have to do the dishes.]

Last Wednesday me and Nick and JP went to Candice's birthday party and I told them there would be lots of girls there and there were more like lots of boys who like boys there dressed in identical black leather bomber jackets, which isn't to say we didn't have a supreme time there because we did. We did not, however, feel that into going to the club a bit after midnight so we sauntered towards our beds but then one nightcap turned into 6 and we had a new wave pants-off dance party until 4am when JP said no more you guys, no more. Near the end we left the 80s behind and lost our shit to Fuck the Pain Away like four times in a row.

Tonight we're double-dating, me and my new roommate Denise vs. JP and Nick vs. THE MOVIES ON A TUESDAY. Junior Mints not included/sold separately.

In relation, when I opened JP and Nick's fridge within 32 seconds of entering their apartment last night, JP asked me if I was going to be their Kramer, which would be an honour, see you there.

SUP.

2009-07-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

MY SISTER HAS A JOB IN MONTREAL STARTING ON WEDNESDAY!

AND SHOVE IT??

2009-07-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

No, but really, does anyone else have the problem where craigslist comes up Spanish every time you try and go to craigslist Montreal??

I just tried it a number of times and recall this happened to me a couple of weeks ago, the last time I thought I might be in the need for a new/nother job.

It was on this same computer, so I think it has something to do with this mini computer thing in front of me that says ASUS Eee PC SERIES.

It's so weird because connecting from google, you think it's going to come up English and all of a sudden when it gets there, it's ESPANISH.

Been there, done that? In GRADE SEVEN?? Needless to say, I'm going to have to go out and do it the old fashioned way. ON FOOT.

I have fun at Ben & Jerry's and I will admit I am at times a lacklustre employee. I'm nice and friendly but I'm not particularly fast or efficient. And I tend to forget things my boss says in real life staff meetings and e-mails, about things like booking off work by a certain time by writing it in a certain place, etc. She accommodated my last-minute Bluesfest day request but I think she's telling me to get it together as my name appears but once on this week's schedj.

So much for the "You will be next in line for a promotion" fortune. HA. Luckily, there's always "You would make a good lawyer" to fall back on.

It's probably about time I expanded my horizons anyway, I started slanging gelato in 2006 and my right arm muscle is seriously way more defined than my left. I only really noticed it a couple of days ago. It feels SO different. As in people laugh when I make them feel it. Therefore, I am going to pump iron on the left in like 20 minutes.

This is serious stuff.

AND A BAG OH CHIPS.

2009-07-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hiya kids! The past week and a half or so have been so totally awesome though, right?? Huge choons all around, I've been a lucky ducky. I went to the Femi Kuti show alone and I used to go to shows alone a lot, in Ottawa and then when I first moved to Montreal and still wanted to go to hip-hop shows but didn't really know anyone. And then, I don't know, I got jaded or something and never went to any shows in eons except for Devin's rap shows and THEN...I recently woke up from a coma or something and am really into having fun again and being a concert-goer and it feels good.

So at the Femi Kuti show I met new peeps via my cool moves and crowd-weaving skills (it's easy when you're short and alone to go to the front.) When there's like a group of people all trying to make their way up they're those assholes but if it's one little lady on the slippery snake tip it's like blink and you'll miss it how can we even be mad it was over before it started party on wayne, etc.

After the show I ended up at this jazz bar I'd never been to called Le Balmoral and I had some good conversation and whisky. This adventure offered me a ticket to Toots and the Maytals and Burning Spear last night and I'm no reggae connoisseur but I know it makes me feel good and my inviter had seen the latter 6 times so I figured it would be some real good feel good shit. And it was! The show was four hours long and a total funfest.

Toots was wearing like blue leather track pants and a blue leather vest. He was fun and funny and happy and radiated dance energy and love. This was the first jam, which reminded me of working at Bluenotes way back when because it was on a loop all summer long. I got over it and it was perfect.

WHOA. I just looked up when Burning Spear was born and it turns out he's only 61! I mean I know that's old as fuck and all, but I thought the guy was like 74!

Either way, the jam went on for forEVER and our main man had some crazy fancy footwork, not that I could see his actual feet but the way he moved he just like floated and you I could tell his feet were moving like four-hundred thousand BPM and it was total magic.

Oh and also, on Canada Day I saw Bell Orchestre and it was nice dreamy music to lie on the grass with your eyes closed to...

Also, yesterday I went to Dairy Queen by myself and got a medium cookie dough and Reese's pieces Blizzard and wrote a letter and wore my new blue denimy (but actually jersey knit) tube dress that I love and my tried and true Arizona Iced Tea cowboy boots and I biked to the one in Westmount that was filled with cute kids and I wrote a letter on the patio in the sun and it was such a way ideal summer sunny day, high fives all around.

My recently returned to my life friends Todd Marsky and Nick Paget escorted me to lunch at l'Avenue on Mount Royal this aft and I forgot that the cottage idea was this weekend so I could not join them post-lunch to head up to Nick's cottage because I have to work at 5 but it was a cool idea anyway.

I spent this morning sunning myself in parc Jean Mance reading How to Be Good.

So now you know everything.

Carry on/as you were.

ALSO, for being a tiny moment in at Bluesfest and Osheaga, we get some free passes yo!

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DEHORS, YO!

2009-07-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

Hey bees and gees, the forecast for today is sunny sunny sunny. This is great news!

No time for indoor games kids, we gotta go outside. Maybe hit up your fave Dairy Queen??

Seeya!

P.S. This is a poem I wrote when I was seven that will remain in my brain forever (thanks to my trusty Mountain Dew extreme sports helmet.)

Outside I can play a game
Using all the nature things
Trees I climb are wide and high
Sometimes I watch the birds fly
Icky lakes I do not like
Decidingly, I put on my water shoes
Excellent, now I'm out of the blues!

Squiggly red line tells me decidingly isn't a word. There it goes again, wow. I guess my grade 2 English teacher was decidedly silly and as a result, so am I. Or I guess that you can't always trust the squiggly red line.

Seeyaz.

P.P.S. My poem was on the bulletin board in the hall for all to see! This is kind of like the coveted cool of being on the payroll at Vice magazine.

P.P.P.S. What the heck did she mean by that anyway??

THE MAGIC NUMBER (WHAT IS)

2009-07-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

The verdict is out. New Order rules and Age of Consent is such a good song to wake up to. Period. Period. Period. Exclamation mark!

It's like dance around in your underwear in the movies style perfect.

Other cool stuff equals the Pet Shop Boys have a show at Metropolis on August 29th.

I do believe that will be so much fun.

Other cool stuff equals De La Soul on August 22nd. Exclamation marks!!! That's the day after my birthday. Kweku and I listened to Stakes Is High like 9 times during our Sunday sangria party the other day, I believe the day was Sunday. We is stoked.

I've seen De La Soul three times. High and rising?? Can't wait. THEY RULE!

One of these days I'll wrap up what happened with that karaoke contest that was my whole life for two point two five months straight. So yeah, I'll all ya'll about it for sure, real soon. Eventhough that news is so three fortnights ago. There's an interesting twist involving a male escort agency, though. (Do hold your breath.)

More the latest is that I'm in a choir?? Kweku is repping this choir to accompany the band of these guys we went to high school with at Osheaga and Bluesfest in Ottawa. They are called Hollerado.

Here is a video clip of them!

So the choir, yeah, this is pretty cool and funny because Kweku and I were in a choir together TEN YEARS AGO. I've mentioned it before, we went on tour to Austria (in the spring of 2000) and bathed in the Sound of Music.

First practice is tonight at 7, which is cool because I'm pretty sure high school choir practice was at like 7 am. Hey Kweku, this is the life.

Yup yup yup, the rain's a bummer guys but the hills are still alive.

When the world is wet and your white shorts are showing your pink panties, think of Ray Romano. Or the other one, you know, the drop of golden sun??

THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

RESPEK!

NAME THAT CHOON

2009-07-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

The following jam has some funny noises that some of you might hate and think are really cheesy and lame but the fact of the matter is, I had this song in my head without being able to place it for well...probably between when I brushed my teeth at 1:57 am and got in bed around 2:08 am and fell asleep around 2:18 am (glory of all glories for someone who couldn't sleep like a normal person for like 3 months straight.)

Today on my bike ride to my yoga class on Parc, I tried really really hard to remember it and it left me as all frustrating thoughts should during the class itself but the struggle continued until after I moisturized after my shower and made plans to make sangria with Kweku about 38 minutes from now.

In my head it sounded housey and the only lyric I could think of was HEEPOLAYLAY. I decided to google that noise with "house" at the end of it.

"hipolele house"

Came up with some stuff about something called hip-hop?? Ale house?? EN TOUT CAS.

I decided it must fit in somewhere between 2001 and 2003. Dimitri　ｆｒｏｍ　Ｐａｒｉｓ？？　　Ｉ　ｕｓｅｄ　ｔｏ　ｒｅａｌｌｙ　ｄｉｇ　ｔｈａｔ　ｎｏｉｓｅ．

〔Ｗｈｙ　ｄｉｄ　ｔｈｅ　ｆｏｎｔ　ｊｕｓｔ　ｃｈａｎｇｅ　ａｎｄ　ｈａｖｅ　ｍｏｎｄｏｈｕｇｅ　ｓｐａｃｅｓ　ｂｅｔｗｅｅｎ　ｗｏｒｄｓ？？〕

Ｉ　ｆｏｕｎｄ　ｔｈａｔ　ｉｔ　ｃａｍｅ　ｆｒｏｍ　Ｄｉｍｉｔｒｉ　ｆｒｏｍ　Ｐａｒｉｓ　Ａｆｔｅｒ　ｔｈｅ　Ｐｌａｙｂｏｙ　Ｍａｎｓｉｏｎ　ａｌｂｕｍ, which was a poolside backyard staple when I was 17.

It's actually called Ibo Lele .

Here is the version I was looking for, by Jephte Guillaume

And here is a song by the same name from the Philedelphia soundtrack.

In relation, this is another blast from the past.

CHECKEZ CA.

2009-07-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

SUP Y'ALL, if you peep the links to your right ever, you may have noticed that there is a new addition in the way of my girl Ayan's blog. She has recently left me for a hard life in St. Maarteen in the Carribean. Quelle drag for her, I'm sure.

Today we have another, but instead of figuring out how to link it on the right, which always seems really hard, I'm going to link it in here. That used to seem hard but now it's easy.

Peep my girl Hillary's foodish blog. You might remember her from fun things like that time we went swimming in the Lachine canal on a really hot day at the end of June. I sure do.

My old/new roommate Caroliner and I went out for breakfast today at a new (for me) spot on St. Denis, across from the tried and true hotspot that is l'Evidence. It's the one next to Lafleur that looks like it's some place where cougars go and drink cosmos and talk about who is "SUCH A CARRIE!" and what is "SO SAMANTHA!" They were playing Ray of Light went we entered. Club B-fast. It was on fire.

POLYGRIPWHIPPED.

2009-07-03T08:41:00.001-07:00

The order of business of the day now that I got my teef cemented back onto my stumps by my funny little dentist Tuan is get tickets to Femi Kuti.

Sunday. Metropolis. Not free but so worth it. Going to be da bomb. Yo.

As for Stevie Wonder, I went with my sister's boy Russell and we had a sweet time in our bike helmets, but I'd say 75% of people at the concert were major downers and I mean major.

As someone once told me Oscar Wilde said, the show was a success but the crowd was a disaster. I don't know if Oscar Wilde said that, but I was like oh I know what you mean, thumbs down to the Kingston crowd and good for you.

Tuesday night at the concert boasted lameness like this. Hands in pockets, text message fighting instead of having fun, acting like someone yelled "FREEZE!" and mad peeps agreed and subsequently FROZE in practical scowls. It was embarrassing to be in the midst of an overall too cool for school crowd. Why did you downers even come, you know??

I think that if there's going to be a free show, you should have to try out to be part of the audience. Are you fun? Will you move? Will you holler back when asked to holler back?? Do you appreciate how cool it is that you have this opportunity to see someone as the coolest as Stevie Wonder for free dollars?? Sheesh, yeesh, jeez. DOWNERS.

"HEY HEATHER LOCKLEAR! NICE STEMS!"

2009-07-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

I had a dream. A dream that I would wake up early(ish) on July 2nd and swim a hundred laps in the midst of the jungle of a backyard that is my dad's glorious creation, while listening to the Money Talks soundtrack on a sawdust infused tapedeck that just keeps on keeping on.

"BRAND NUBIAN! NINETY-SEVEN! MASE! HARLEM WANNA RISE!"

I am naked but for Tangerine Dream on my fingernails and Sublime Strawberry on my toenails and my hundreth lap finishes at the end of the side that ends with Barry White going on about his first, his last, his everything.

I am reminded of long ago learning the true meaning of PHAT (Pretty Hot And Tempting) and it turns out this is real life and the only imagined part of this blissful rise and shine episode is that the orange nailpolish on my fingernails turns out to be called Tequila Sunrise and not Tangerine Dream.

I'll big up Canada Day when I figure out how to take the pictures off my camz and put them on my mini-computer thing and when I figure out how to put into words the spirit of the Almighty Todd Marsky and how it made Canada Day in Ottawa especially supercool.

The big up for today is for my homegirl Liane, also known as Leelee (yes, like the Sobieski.) Some of you may be familiar by the sweetness that is the chocolate cookie as created by my homegirl Liane, also known as Leelee (yes, like the Sobieski.) Anyway, LC (like the Lauren Conrad) has after a whisper past a year of friendship decided I am worth sharing the top secret recipe with so that I may spread her love to a select few Montreal folk while she is in France for the summer playing with Parisian babies.

Cute! So, I have followed the recipe exactly except that Liane uses milk chocolate chips and my moms and pops ain't got none'a'doze and Liane uses faux vanilla of which there is also none. That might sound like an upper and not a downer and also it's a falsehood because we go have two teaspoons of faux vanilla leftover from the vanilla crisis a few years back at which point real vanilla cost about 25 bones a bottle, so says my dad.

But I have a pretty supersonic sense of taste and smell and in trying to figure out what made Liane's cookies taste slightly butterscotchy, I correctly decided she used to faux vanilla many moons ago.

So the faux vanilla might be the secret ingredient even! However, since we have semi-sweet chocolate chips and real vanilla, I decided to use these things in combination to see how they compare to the milk chocolate chip/faux vanilla mélange...

The point is, the first batch is exhaling in the kitchen right now and if you stay tuned you'll find out if I can do Liane's cookie recipe justice and I'll share with you Todd Marsky's take on the Korean blowjob and other fancy stuff.

WONDER WHY...

2009-06-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

I guess it's time to take 5 out of my superbusyandamanda life and talk about ice cream sandwiches.

Moving means, it would seem, rolling your red plaid old lady style shopping card that your mom named Malcolm along St. Laurent at 1:38 am with a Mountain Equiptment Co-op duffel bag backpacked on your back, in danger of falling backward because your bag weighs more than you do but it's okay because you happen to be wearing your Mountain Dew EXTREME SPORTS helmet.

It's not like my dad and sister and Russell didn't bust their balls helping out on Saturday but I just have so much shit kicking around that even after they left I still had tons to do and I'm almost done maybe on TUESDAY AFTERNOON and I hope that Ayan isn't fucking with me when she says she's coming to free me of my futon at my old pad later today because if not that would be bad...

Soanyway, moving to me means that when all the honeys on St. Laurent between Prince Arthur and Pine seem to be in 4 inch heels and imitation Herve Leger bandage dresses (by Marciano), I look a lot like I'm in the midst of portage on a camping trip and it's a cool idea to go into 4 Freres and not by a ROCK STAR but settle for 12 ice cream sandwiches and make them my meals for the next two days (with fork and knife and plate, naturally.)

I tried to blog about a month ago after I got my hair cut but then my internet got all wonky and I was out of commission ever since/on holiday/trying to edit 2 years of my life on Drolet...soanyway, it saved so this is what I wrote a month ago after I got my hair cut!

The font is different. Better or worse, who knows, I apparently have no control over it anyway.

.........................................

I got snipped on Sunday.

I was in the middle of saying something when my sister took this picture. Pretty sure it was "Well keep doing what you're doing, you look great." directed at someone who grabbed my left breast with Misfits make-up when he was a high school virgin and I was at uni and it was Halloween and as a teen on vacay and I guess he didn't know that's not how you ask to have your virginity taken...

Anyway, I love my new hair and feel more like a girl rather than less. It's like I grew three extra vaginas and they all smell like pink cupcakes with buttercream frosting. It's like I'm made of fairy dust. My eyes cry buttercream frosting. And it was free and the hairdresser looked like this.

I paid him my respect with a fortune cookie and I told him to open it but he wouldn't. I could not help then but imagine him being a diva and whacking it across the room in disgust with his forearm, hitting one of the hairwash girls in the eye.

"I SAID NO CARBS!"

All this to be a hair model for an Aveda class on "CREATIVE CUTS".

Wednesday I go back for COLOUR. This is probably the most exciting thing to happen to me all year. Which isn't to say I didn't enjoy season one of Party of 5 last week. The theme song is just so good.

................In relation, last night in the month of JUNE, I dreamt that Matthew Fox worked at Euro-Deli and mowed lawns and also was on television but did the other stuff just for fun. What a down to earth dude....

Stevie Wonder is my saviour, see you later. I don't have time to explain how much he means to me but hopefully I am even more of a changed woman after tonight. Basically, he makes my highs higher and my lows better and everything seem like it might be okay even when it seems like no way that will ever happen. Fortunately, I'm not feeling in the depths of despair lately anyway, but I definitely believe that Talking Book has helped me out of the trenches in the past which isn't to say that what Stevie pulled off as a tween isn't totally completely uplifting no matter what.

SWEDISH HARRY.

2009-05-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

Karaoke was the bomb cheese last night.

Me and my homegirls even ate a melting wheel of brie with honey and pecans and baguette beforehand!

[Cue The Real World: Cock & Bull theme song; which happens to sound a lot like RuPaul's Supermodel.]

LIANE... ("The girl who likes all the same underground comic books as you do but will never be more than a friend!")

Sama... ("The mysterious American who is having some trouble differentiating between the toonie and the loonie!")

And Ayan... ("The leftover childstar extra from Children of the Corn!")

Oh my god, yikes.

So me and Student Bodies be likethis now and we duet right, right?

We did Sabotage and here be the part that goes "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!"

Shit yeah! Y'all feel that, right??

WHO'S on the mic, WHO'S on the mic, MIKE??

This is a dreamy Mike Chui looking dreamy with borderline Zac Efron in last month's GQ hair.

He was a pleasant surprise I convinced to tag along when we crossed paths between the Sherbrooke and the Milton gates.

Then we found John on the way to the Plateau at the exact same corner as last week (de la Montagne and de Maisonneuve) and I didn't even have to ask, he was down for the count and turned around pronto.

Ayan blew everyone away and then mentioned that she'd never sang in front of anyone before.

Who knew?!

She also joined my no more smoking campaign.

Good 4 her, primo spokesmodel material.

And good 4 me 2 because I'm still in it to win it and I did Sunday Morning and everyone says I rocked out my best yet.

Suit yourself, kids.

LIGHT AS A FEATHER, SICK AS A HEATHER.

2009-05-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream I smashed my bottom teeth on a teacup and I looked in the mirror and they were in the wrong place and it was bloody and it was here we go again. It was just a teacup but it was propelled by a sucker punch and it hurt eventhough it was just a dream.

One of my teeth was knocked out completely and I remember that I asked my mom if she thought the tooth fairy would come, eventhough I was the same age I am in real life.

I was excited when she said she thought she probably would come, especially because I had two teeth to put under my pillow actually.

My real life tooth I have on my kitchen counter here in my apartment was in my mind in the dream! In real life last week I got one of my fucked up front teeth pulled out and I got a titanium implant. I have a lot of metal hiding inside my face. The metal detector jokes were funny until I went to Halifax in February by plane and they didn't even go off. So much for the funny upside of facesmashing...

I have a dreamcatcher, you know. I got it about a month and a half ago because it was pretty and fifty cents at my fave church-run thrift store (also known as "my secret store"), without even thinking about what it was for. And then I realized it fit nicely around my lamp by my bed and I figured it wouldn't harm me and I liked the look of it there so there it was and there it is.

Maybe without it, my face smashing dream would have ended with me bloody-mouthed and worried instead of looking forward to the tooth fairy visiting me.

Have you ever had a dream that all your former lovers lived on the same street? And the tallest one (6'5) had dark blue nailpolish on random fingernails?? Catch that, dreamcatcher.

I also have worry dolls, you know. I got them as a gift last spring. I came across them on a joint quest for Jacob's ladders and I was so delighted to have found this remnant of my childhood for a mere one-hundred cents that someone else cared enough to foot the bill.

They're so small though, you know, so they're pretty good at hiding. I only actually told them what to take care of and what to protect in the first week of March when my mom came over for a sleepover and I was pretty worried and I thought "How great to come across you guys when I'm actually really worried!" I probably hung out with them before bed for four or five consecutive nights but then I think I got a bit fed up with them because I actually got more worried and not less worried. But really, I shouldn't get mad at my worry dolls because they are so small and cute and it's not their fault they aren't superheroes. I still say sup to them from time to time and sometimes even let them sleep under my pillow.

I wonder if some people who worry a lot are afraid to take locker number 666 at the gym. I always feel pretty The Craft-ish when I take it. Like I'm so risqué and all I need is more eyeliner.

I took locker number 666 on Sunday (double whammy!) and then I took an hour and a half power yoga class I'd never done before so yeah, all I needed was more eyeliner.

The best part was when someone started snoring in the relaxation pose. It got louder and louder and I was giggling inside big-time and then it stopped I guess because THEY WOKE THEMSELVES UP WITH A BIG ONE. And then it started again. It was great. It's funny how sometimes it seems like nothing is that fun or funny and then someone farts and you realize lots of things might be fun and funny because that fart sure was.

My favourite yoga class is with Jacky on Tuesday mornings and last week I couldn't go because I had to go to the dentist. But it turns out she wasn't even there because today she told us about how she just got back from a week of tropical sunshine and ocean and that she thought of us last Tuesday at 9 when she did her practice on the beach. She said she would try and give us some of that sunshine and it was pretty good for me because I got a primo spot by the window that allowed me to all but bathe in St. Viateur sunshine. She talked about the rythm of the ocean, and the current and how she realized it was so much bigger than her and instead of trying to fight it, she had to find a way to work with its rythm. And how that happens in life a lot, that things are bigger than you and it's scary and you have to find a way to roll with it rather than try and escape it. And how that relates to yoga practice, where you may be daunted by new positions but find yourself easing into them and finding your own rythm within the pose. C'est la vie, n'est-ce pas? Sounds corny, don't it?? Yoga is so boring, right?? I think it's great.

[This was at work a couple of weeks ago, when Evan and I were bored so he made me armour out of last year's 30th anniversary stickers. Last time I was bored I made Sara take a picture of my left breast on Evan's phone to show to his 16 year old brother I have a crush on because I think he'll turn out good and tall. Did I mention I put hot fudge all over my face first, like a warrior?? Stuff like this can never happen again because now there are cameras watching us. It's so un-fun.]

Anyway, I was quietly jealous that Jacky had a tropical holiday in May because I want one. When I was in a deep downer a few years ago, I went to visit my first friend of life in Barbados for two weeks in May, and my lord what glory it was to have the love of Emma Dickinson surround me at that time. Driving around the scary windy roads that have no rules, we heard Promiscuous Girl for the first time and thought it was such a bad song, we didn't know who it was, we just thought it blew. I remember thinking "It's probably Fergie, ugh." And then in the next few months I maybe thought "Ooh, what a sexy beat."

I'm going on holiday soon though with my family, a sweet little yellow cottage in Les Iles de la Madeleine for a week and a half in June. And then the other Emmalove of my life is coming over from New Zealand and I haven't seen her since the fall of 2006 so I'm pretty excited.

And then what the heck am I going to do with my life?? Where am I going to live in July?? Do I even want to be in Montreal anymore?? Does anybody have a Magic 8 ball?? Anybody?? Anybody??

Oh my god, I just made a cool remix par accident. Southern Girl was playing in one part of my computer and Rahzel was making noises and I was finding On and On done acapella on youtube. But I forgot about the first window. So I was like this is weird but kind of cool. And then I realized two things were playing at once.

Anyway, I love Erykah Badu and yesterday I did this cool thing called BADU BUBBLE BATH. It's not too complicated, it just means you take a bubble bath while listening to Erykah Badu.

Peace and light, y'all.

TOENAIL POLISH IS A MUST.

2009-05-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Cool thing today is that I'm going to have lunch with my girl Danielle at Chez José and we always have the best time when that happens.

Wow, I'm really out of practice with my MSPaint skills. The into is so meagre you'd think I wasn't really and truly into it.

Also, it's sunny outside and I got me some sassy new sunglasses from Ardène.

If I had batteries for my camera I would take a picture and show you my new sunglasses. They don't really look like Rose McGowan's in the previous picture.

Also, I would have taken a picture of the smiling sunshine the 2nd Cup guy made in the foam of my special latte that isn't on the menu because it's a secret combination and he thought I should try something new.

If you're a girl and you're not a biatch, he will most likely make you a heart in your foam unless of course you say "hold the foam" in which case you're going to have to carry on with your day and probably unknowingly sidestep 3-5 other random acts of kindness, quelle domage.

So it was really fun when Alliy Brown and I went to see Dizzee Rascal four years ago and we were at the front and you could see his song list taped on stage and it was cute and did you know he punched Diplo in the face once?? Some people love him for that but anyway I like this jam. It's really fun to bop around to in your apartment!

What else, what else....oh yeah, at karaoke two weeks ago I provoked a fight between two grown men! I just carried on singing 'Like A Prayer' wondering what the hell was going on but not actually caring that much because I was getting to my fave part.

I'm still in the game and I think next week we'll be down to five contestants. There is only one other girl left. She really likes to sing when I think about you I touch myself oh I dont' want anybody else and it really bothers Danielle and that's funny because Danielle doesn't really get bothered but when this girl sings she does and she wants it to be over fast. Liane, my number one karaoke supporter, well she and I have been observing enough to decide that I touch myself girl possibly likes to have sex on Wednesday nights and more likely than not does it with the guy in the contest who used to be on Students Bodies. I don't need the internet votes this week, I've been doing really except for that one time, but if you're bored you could go to the contest website and guess who I'm talking about.

Cute topsiders, girlfriend! Cool boobs! Your hair is so long! It's crazy! Girlfriend!

This past week I sang 'One Way or Another' for the contest, and Candice and I did 'None of Your Business' and I also did 'Spiderwebs' and it was all just so much fun.

Plus, Liane and I ordered pizza for dinner. Pizza party! It was from DOUBLEPIZZA and it was mediocre at best and it was too uhspensive but we got it delivered so that's what made it a real party. And the delivery guy thought Liane was pretty so that was pretty partyish.

So I guess it was almost 2 weeks ago that this young gun called Toddla T did the Essential Mix and it was really really really fun and on the Radio 1 you can only listen to shows for 7 days...but in the UK you can get all kinds of cool podcasts and stuff! How does the internet work?? How do they know I'm not in the UK?? I thought it was like we were all the same place here on the internet. Guess not. Eneevayz, you can git it on Toddla T's website under MIXES and also peep the Ghettoblaster mix, it's fun fun fun.

HIS RECORD COMES OUT ON MAY 25th. Roots Manuva is on it and I don't know I mean I think it's pretty wild that this guy is my age and came out of the woodwork last year and now he has Roots Manuva on his album. I mean I remember if he was listening to Roots Manuva on his way to math class on the 2nd floor when he was 16 too and maybe he had never thought of being a DJ yet and was really good at calculus... I wonder if he ever got curly fries in the caf... Also, he has a residency at Fabric which is really something, right?? Also, I live in London with my dear old friend Amna in my imagination. Amna can get whatever the shit podcasts she wants from the BBC.

Hmmm...what else....

Oh I know! This song always makes me feel really happy, I walked around to it for probably 2 hours yesterday. ACTUALLY. You know, it's sunny outside and there are puppies everywhere and kids on bikes and blue freezies and your favourite bench in Westmount Park is free and it's just so good.

I think that if you hate this song or if it makes you feel worse than however you felt before you heard it, there is maybe something wrong with you. I mean maybe you wouldn't be good company on a picnic. Or maybe you don't like to dance.

Okay but listen, if you're ever feeling like you'd like to feel better and you have the facilities you should take off your clothes and put on this song and jump up and down. JUMP. UP AND DOWN. You'll start to laugh! You'll start to laugh! Oh yeah, the big part is that you have to look in the mirror because that's what makes it so funny. Okay? Everybody on three, okay??

Big up Rah Digga who d'hell is Busta Rhymes.

PEACE PEACE PEACE

HELENA BONE HIM SMARTER.

2009-04-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

Hey what's up I tricked some people I know into thinking I was fronting a style blog.

First Evan and Sara in holy matrimony...

Then Kweku post-Milton breakfast, en route to score numbers no doubt...

Then Tommy, who may or may not have a bald spot??

Sorry boys and girls, he's not up for grabs but ain't he fun to look at??

Supposedly when Tommy is bored sometimes, he holds a suitcase on the French version of Deal or No Deal. I watched Deal or No Deal once with my old roommate Alliy and our downstairs neighbours Matt and Stevie when they invited us over to watch the Superbowl in 2007 and then eventually the Superbowl was over and I guess Deal or No Deal was on and I was like last time I saw that guy he had way more hair.

Style blog/vile snog!

So these are some dresses I picked out at 2 am last week on my way home from the library at a fancy store on de la Montagne that I would probably get dressed up for if I ever actually ventured inside.

Who wants red the most??

Who wants black the least??

I thought these would be great for Bjork and Helena Bonham Carter to fight over.

I think that maybe if they went to the same party and traded halfway through the night, that would be a really great solution.

Bjork! Bjork! Let's not break an egg over this!

Okay, okay, you can have this one too.

Sorry Helena Bonham Carter, I just don't think it would suit you.

Whateva gurl, Tim Burton thinks so too.

Johnny! Hey! I didn't know you were coming! Nice moustache?

That's enough style blogging for today, check out Little Dragon if you're bored, I think they make cool music.

Gilles Peterson played a new jam of theirs on Radio1 on Thursday called Never Never that really made me feel like I wish this was my song and my band and we were jamming on a rooftop garden in Paris, you know??

Damn she cute. [God damn you half-Japanese girls.]

The Little Dragon jam kicks in at about the 26:48 minute mark and you could skip in to find it but it's really just such a good show to hang out to, you should just go listen to the whole thing and also there is a cool song right before that one sung by this lovely voice belonging to a little lady named Melody Gardot and I am really feeling on this sugar, yup yup yup.

And it's fun how British people have a way of making things sound way more exciting, as in "HUGE CHOONS!" and "WU TANG REVAMP".

You can vamp your way into an alternate universe 36 chambers with some new Shimmy Shimmy Ya action within the first 5 minutes of the show, cool yeah!

Okay, go listen to da whole fing!

This past week I got some cool reminders of the cool thing about when my friends leave Montreal.

COOL MAIL!

My friend Sarah from Vancouver made me this postcard out of the cardboard that tights come wrapped around!

And my friend Dina from Boston made me this card and you can't tell but it's actually not just a funny postcard sized card it is THE SIZE OF A STANDARD PIECE OF LINED PAPER WITH THREE HOLES IN IT.

It came in a HUGE envelope.

SO exciting. Seriously, it was the coolest thing to come home to after a long night at the Concordia library at 3 am on Friday night/Saturday morning after basically machete-ing my way through the masses of trampy legs and heels and Marciano and Ed Hardy and cologne and hair products that never fail to harsh my mellow on St. Laurent between Prince Arthur and Pine.

I asked my sister if it was a cool band I'd never heard of in the picture and as far as she knew it wasn't but maybe it's Skeeter, Dorm and Spawn or a band with a cool name like that maybe.

THIS IS BONEY M, OF THAT I AM SURE!!!

Their greatest hits are always on sale at Pharmaprix for $9.99 and every single time I have to wait too long for prescriptions I almost accidentally/on purpose buy it.

PEACE AND LIGHT. Seeya!

KAROAKE= CARRIE SMOKIED???

2009-04-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all, this goes out to Ben...

...who was in my dream last night saying how much he prefers being called Benjamin...and also because he came to Cock & Bull on a last-minute whim (I guess you don't have to explain that a whim is last minute??) and that was cool because I didn't really invite anyone yesterday because I had a lame day (until I met up with Caroliner at Café Depot and Laura made me a caramel latte and I didn't have to pay for it and also Caroliner and I had sushi for dinner!)

Three cheers to Laura and SarahfromNapanee for giving me their cheers (which plus Ben equaled three cheers!) and for making the connection that a good way to remember what my friend's name is to think "Ben...like Ben Covington!"

Ben Covington loves the pot.

What I'm trying to say is that I didn't have enough peeps at karaoke last night to give me their votes even if I did a sour job...and I did a sour job and did not win over the strangers.

THEREFORE....please click on Cock & Bull and then pick Nicola when you follow this purple to vote for me online and tell all your friends to do so also so that I may be saved!!!

TELL YOUR FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK!!! I DON'T HANG OUT THERE LATELY!!!

Have a cool day.

LOVE,
Nicola

MONTREAL, JE T'AIME...

2009-04-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

Around this time last year, I had just finished school and I had a garage sale with Alison and Dane at Henri-Julien and Prince Arthur and made like 80 dollars and I also went to Dairy Queen for the first time that spring which is always a big event and it was also an important weekend in history because I remember stopping in on Maryam studying on her balcony on Sunday afternoon and I was like oh what happened by your eyebrow and she said oh that's a zit and well I don't think Maryam had a zit before or since so history stops there.

One time Heidi Klum said, "I had a zit once...I think it was 1993." Now that is funny.

I believe I bought my brother the Sport Illustrated Swimsuit calendar the year of this photoshoot.

I believe I questioned my sexuality a fair bit in the year of the 1998 Swimsuit issue...I think the year was 1998??

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi...oooh, you wreck me (baby).

Gilles Peterson has done it again with the All Winners 2009 episode, love on that Radio1 hot shit yo.

LONG LIVE TOM PETTY!

I fell in love with Ed Burns when Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers did the whole soundtrack to She's The One.

I thought Walls was pretty much the greatest song to be attracted to Ed Burns to.

Speaking of big hearts crushing towns, I did a social experiment last night sort of. Well I thought I'd do something small that would make me feel good and then see if anyone noticed.

I met Katie for a drink (and grilled cheese) at Pistol and I hadn't seen her for more than three months so of course there were giggles and tears over the course of it all and I think she said something about me having a big heart and she also said "You have a sticker on your shirt." Some people think heart stickers are a waste of space and that is too bad.

I love Katie. Danielle and Mel and Chrissy were at the table next to us for Danielle's sister Andrea's birthday and her sister Kristen was there too in white jeans and she pulled it off like she was Farah Fawcett the same week as the red swimsuit pic...

Hmmmm...this image seems to have lost its fire today [but generally I think of it fondly.]

I brought fortune cookies knowing Andrea's birthday crew would be in our midst, but anyway, I knew Howie would make my grilled cheese so I made sure he got a fortune cookie and then it was cool when he came and joined me later and said "Hey, your heart is on your sleeve!" and that was what I'd hoped someone might say and THEN the "There is a true and sincere friendship between you both" fortune was there on the table between us and you know how I love stuff like that.

You know what? I don't care if it's corny but Montreal is always looking out for me. When I got hit by a car and everything flew off course, that wasn't Montreal's fault...

Montreal, what a challenge you are! But you love me long time!

What I mean is that I've lived five winters here and I've been in the depths of despair sometimes but there is always something in this city to surprise me and pick me up when I am down, be it running into friends that fill my summers or just...stopping.

I should probably do a "Let me count the ways..." series because I see a lot of uplifting shit when I keep my eyes open.

Sometimes there's even cool stuff on the ground!

Seeya!

THE GIRL WITH THE MOST CAKE...

2009-04-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

Let's go.

Today I had my last class of my undergrad! It was Montreal & Quebec Writers and the man of the hour (or rather 2.7 hours) was David McGimpsey, a professor I was glad to give my final moments of undergrad lecturedom to. (Until I do another undergrad in like 6 months probably unless I move to Paris to cuddle French babies...)

YEEEAH. That goes out to my girl Emma Jane Cridge, for always knowing just what to write in a Valentine to her soul sister.

Do you know what this is??

It's my beloved Bayview Public School on Riverside Drive across from Mooney's Bay in Ottawa, as it appeared 50 years ago.

I first set foot in this school in 1989 and human remnants of my time there still linger in my life today. That came out wrong, like Silence of the Lambs-ish but really I just mean that had I gone to the school over the hill (Holy Cross aka Holy Crap), this quarter-life crisis I am currently in the midst of might be a whole other can of worms entirely in terms of who's who/what's what.

Kweku and Laura (Emma's way cool sister that has slumber partied me sassy lately) joined my dad and I for a leisurely drive back to Ottawa Sunday morning and after we dropped those suckers off...and Kweku's dentist dad advised me against using superglue on my acrylic teeth...something my dad (the ear/nose/throat doctor) had thought was a great idea...well we drove down Riverside Drive to see that most of Bayview had been demolished...

My brother Alex said they started it last week and then it was the holiday weekend so that was why there was still some left, the part where it says BAYVIEW in the 1959 photo actually.

Alex was super tough about Bayview, like it wasn't even worth shedding a tear over!

[SIDENOTE: My mom makes the prettiest most delicious cakes.]

So Bayview's demise...I knew it was coming but I didn't know when. Last night when I was still in Ottawa, I thought I might bike over to say goodbye to what was left of it...

I didn't, and this morning as my dad drove me to catch the 7am bus back to Montreal, Bayview was gone. So on the day I clock out of 20 straight years of institutionalized learning...the place I clocked in breathed its final breaths.

Sigh...

And it's funny, I didn't think to mention it to my favourite bus station ticket booth fellow 6 foot WHOA Kelvin Lee this morning because my brain was broken, but it's sort of wild that I should cross his path today considering I met him at Bayview as my brother's little buddy way back when.

Aaaaand, Kelvin told me in a no way way that Darcy took the 6am bus to Montreal today, Darcy being Darcy Cooke my old roommate, he who I also met way back when at Bayview Public School.

Darcy in our old apartment in the year 2006.

Sigh...

It's kind of sad and beautiful isn't it?

Anyway. Just because I'm done classes don't mean I don't got no more essays or zammers to write so I really ought to get on that shit.

So the most important thing right now is that I give my sister Hilary the cyber-gift of the Easter eggs I made her since she couldn't take part in the decorating festival because she was in Halifax at the library I think.

The giant robin's egg with hearts is important because I love and miss my sister. The cats are important because Hilary hates cats. And the purple egg is important because when we were decorating them Hilary called and my dad asked her what colour of egg she wanted him to make in her honour, she said "purple" and he had to tell her the sad truth, which was that the purple wasn't really working out for us...

So I made her a purple egg to the best of my ability, you know? I mean, what more could I do, right?? Come on, orange you glad?? Me too, yeah!

Oh wait! I forgot to mention that I did say goodbye to Bayview, in December. I went for a walk with my parents to the Country Grocer to get some chips for Hilary because she wanted some chips of course. And we walked through the schoolyard on my way home. And as my parents walked ahead I lingered outside the window of my junior kindergarten classroom. The window was broken in the bottom right-hand corner and I stuck my hand inside so that I could be in that space again for what I imagined was probably the last time. Then I caught up to mom and dad playing that game where you try to run fast enough that you never really break the snow-ice surface enough that you actually have to stop and retrieve your boot and take off your sock that has basically come off your foot anyway...

If you can't even try to live vicariously through my sentimentality then bless your cold cold heart. (And your still-standing kindergarten classroom??)

On that note, I felt that today was a good day to buy myself a book for pleasure and a new shade of pink nailpolish to enhance my academic endeavours.

That pink is called Mod Squad which is pretty boring and unoriginal (as a certified teenager, I want to be anything but) but the book should be neither of those things because I find Tracey Emin to be all kinds of good things like empowering, cooler than Damien Hirst (duh), and straight-up soul sister material.

This means that I would like to talk to her and ask her lots of questions and ask her what she thinks about all my secret art dreams that I like to think of as pre-production realities rather than imaginary daydreams...

MUCH RESPEK 4 TRACY EMIN, YO!

What about the flowers back there?? My dad got them for me, duh, because he is a righteous dude who knows how a lady ought to be treated.

He also made sure not to leave out a sunny afternoon stroll on St. Denis with a decadent brownie (with ginger in it, what kick!) and the most supremely exciting hot chocolate ever. It vaas HOT CHILE style top-notch straight fiyah.

Did you notice that that last sentence could be part of the answer to "sounds like...BIG WILLY STYLE"?? Me neither, but more power to it.

SO BIG UP 2 MA FAM YO, LOVE YOU LONG TIME, YO YO YO.

Alex, you didn't even make me cry this time! Which isn't to say you don't squeeze too hard when you hug...which isn't to say you should stop lifting heavy objects... I think your girlfriend Victoria probably likes that about you.

My dad told me that if a child does not take notice of the wonders of nature by the time they are twelve, chances are they will never find pleasure in the changing of the seasons, which would of course be tragic.

He had some vague proof of this, and related it to how this woman let her kid in small-town Mississippi was walk to soccer practice last month and the neighbours called the cops and there was all this controversy because he was like, only 12 or something...maybe he didn't have a cell phone or he forgot to turn on his GPS switch to notify the mayor or the mid-wife who helped his mom out back in '97...

My dad talks about plants as though they have feelings, so proud of the "brave little crocuses" for making their way through the cold hard ground to greet us in spring.

AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN.

F-YOU CON-U

2009-04-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

I talked to my brother this morning and he said "Wow, you sound so chipper." And I told him it was because I woke up to this song on AM940.

I love this song. I talked to my sister and told her I was tidying up and she said "I know that you're kind of old when you say things like 'tidying up'." I guess I could say the same for my brother saying "chipper".

I wanted to hear Lisa Bonet singing and came across this which makes it even better.

Lisa Bonet is magic.

I read this article in Vogue the other day with her daughter Zoe Kravitz and her BFF Olivia Thilby (Ben Kingsley's crush-worthy daughter in The Wackness/Juno's BFF in Juno) and ummmm couldn't really decide if I wanted to hang out with them or if I really didn't want to hang out with them ever...

I think I was maybe just jealous that they were going shopping and I was taking a break from essaying...

That said, a fortune cookie told me recently, "You are going to have some new clothes."

Yesterday was my last official day of classes at CON-U.

I spent the night at the library and I got 4 chocolate-covered almonds from the Hall building after I told the security guards I was only going to my locker.

I told them about the almonds though when I came back to get my student ID, just so I could make sure that someone else thought it was outrageous that I only got 4 chocolate-covered almonds for 25 cents.

Tonight is Mel's fancy birthday...WINE AND CHEESE.

Does this mean I have to wear a dress??

My dad is coming to visit me today. Today it's not raining.

Also, I have for some reason been receiving Star magazine in the mail for like 2 months. I never ordered it. No one ever ordered it for me. It's cool I guess because now I don't read it at the grocery store, I can read it in secret.

HAPPY PASSSOVER.

RAIN RAIN RAIN

2009-04-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

On this day in history, Kurt Cobain was no longer.

Écoutecela.

Since I don't think I'd be that great at Nirvana I considered Hole for part deux of karaoke tonight(which might really upset some people??) but then remembered the last time I tried Hole, the video fucked up and eventhough it was a different karaoke spot, I should take it as a sign maybe. That said, I ran into my girl Theresa twice today and so the second time it was pretty obvious that we had to sing some Hole so we did and Kweku was pretty into it I think?? Violet took the most effort.

I believe this photo was from Sassy magazine... I'm sure you could easily find out but I like just thinking that I know a picture well enough to tell you where it came from.

Black Hole Sun?

Such an awesome video. This jam reminds me of that same period of my young life but it was a major bummer last time I tried it at karaoke, quelle désastre... I had seen my evening going more in the way of a nice long dinner with scintillating catch-up conversation and fortune cookies maybe but you can't win 'em all so I invested in sponges for a spongless home that wasn't my own, going on to clean that kitchen top to bottom because I thought it would make me feel good about myself?? That and a single-serving microwave lasagna. YEAH RIGHT GUYS.

I am more inclined to clean when I feel awkward when I'm somewhere that isn't my apartment, which is unfortunate because my apartment is usually a disaster.

That said, I feel awkward enough in my own home that I can't wait to move out in July.

HOLY SHIT I CAN'T WAIT.

I do not want to live alone anymore.

It has become majorly lame.

Therefore! I won't travel far from the pre-menarche era of my young life in terms of ce soir's karaoke jam...I'm going with Blind Melon's No Rain.

Isn't it funny? There's been so much rain here lately!

The contest starts at 11:30 at Cock & Bull.

COME AS YOU ARE!

Bring Supernibs??

SO I GUESS WE'RE GOING DOWN IN 2012...

2009-04-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

Hey hey happy birthday to Melania Hadida-Trump.

You excel in gold-digging. What are you doing Melle Mel? You at work surfin the web?? Hoping that for your birthday, I will fulfill your wish and do a special feature on all the different theories for why the world will end in 2012??

SURE!

Ask Gilles Peterson about the world ending in 2012 and his theory will probably have something to do with how last Thursday was the special Q-Tip episode, complete with interview and live shit.

Here's Q-Tip's ManWomanBoogie video, seen it??

At first I thought maybe it was sort of cool but now I think it might be sort of boring?? I like the jam though, sexy beat.

See the thing is...if you're going to do a "IT WAS JUST A DREAM!" video in this day and age, you might think to look back and consult with your girl Janet, who got the right idea. That dreams should involve off the hoook teen ragers or they're not worth dreaming, you know??

Anyway, as for 2012 and the world ending...Mel! I heard there was some Mayan theory?? Have you seen this ring-bracelet thing Ayan has been wearing lately?? It's sort of Mayan looking. It's really complicated. Like Mayan ruins... It's like a ring, maybe two and then there's this part that goes over her hand and...well anyway, I'm not the only one who has brought up a certain Janet Jackson video we love to love upon seeing Ayan's cool jewelery...

SUCH A GOOD VIDEO!!!

Mel, I got you some presents at my favourite store LE CHAINON: Coffre de Trésor on St. Laurent on my way home from yoga.

This is some other stuff I got for like 80 cents total.

EXCITING!

YEAH, I SAW THAT MUSICAL!

If you look closely you can see that it says "Chris Brown in the role of Christ".

What a coincidence! Chris Brown turned up 25 minutes late to court to plead not guilty!

The world is definitely ending in 2012!

Old cigarette ads are funny.

Marigolds, daisies, mums.
A shop full of flowers.
But for them, it's one perfect rose.
He chose it. For her. To remember.
Their cigarette? Viceroy. They won't settle for less.
It's a matter of taste.

Smoking in a flower shop! I can't think of anything more tragic or less romantic!

Except I guess if you think about the world as a flowershop that is getting Jamaican showered with shit to the max. Mom's gonna find out, you know? Mother Earth?? She's onto you guys, you guys.

WATCH OUT.

I hope the world doesn't end in 2012, mostly because I have some faraway friends I have to visit first...

Tony! Toni! Toné!

And Mary-Kate and Ashley!

And...

Siegfried and Roy??

Cultural ambassadors for aluminum foil freaks apparently. Or as Gilles Peterson might say...ALUMIN-IUM.

Big up Melle Mel on the big two five!

BIG UP RAH DIGGA.

2009-04-05T18:33:00.001-07:00

And here you have the go-to study jams of the day and/or week. I think that Ayan and Ben will be into it.

Shout-outs to Ayan and Ben for all the hard work they've put into the choreographed dance I won't be able to see tomorrow night and here's hoping they will show it to me some other time.

So this is boring...

So here are my artworks I've been super hard at work on!

This is called Death to Rave (End of a Scare-aaaah).

And this is Life After Death (It's Murda).

These are from two different walks on two very different days.

Sometimes I wear the same pants and shoes for days on end, it's crazy you guys.

This is what they call "found art".

It was a joke at first but now I think it's sort of interesting because an aquarium wants to hold onto water and an umbrella wants to repel it...

Cool work Avenue de l'Esplanade, you've really outdone yourself!

Let's close with something that greeted me in my internet mailbox a few days ago from a dear old friend...

A word from the wise on library crushes...

"i live for library crushes. i have about seven. i met one recently. just giving you a tip never meet your library crushes....it ruins everything and they never live up to the mysteriousness. b/c most of the time they are just regular or loud and annnnnnoying. i met one of my 23 library crushes. big disappointment. i always look good at the library minus exam time...then i have a single dreadlock."

MELANIA HADIDA-TRUMP 4 APPRENTICE.

2009-04-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

Hello.

This is a Henri Silberman print I am greeted with when I wake up in my sweet little bedroom, the bedroom I have come to believe is a make-shift rose garden in the midst of a wunderkamme r that furthermore has the luxury of existing above a bakery (in my imagination, but I do pretty well by way of scented candles.)

I am very into the idea of the wunderkammer because it basically epitomizes my decor philosophy which is maybe more of an anti-philosophy...

I just heard about the wunderkammer this year in my Art and its Changing Contexts class, taught by Mark Clintberg. It has come to my attention that he had something neat going on at the National Gallery back in oh five that I never experienced but maybe you did considering there is a 42% chance you are from my Ottawa or were living there at that time...

Back to Poet's Walk, I have enjoyed it following me from apartment to apartment, and the other day I came across my very own version just around the riverbend.

Not that I have never walked along l'Esplanade by Parc Jean Mance before, but on Tuesday morning when I strolled along in the calm aftermath of the rain, I realized there was something familiar about it. It reminded me of what I see when I wake up in the morning, and occasionally in the afternoon...

Cool.

On my way home from work tonight, my Gazelles really tasted rain for the first time.

It's okay though, I think it gives them character and maybe I love them even more now because they are less than perfect.

Oh! And since you forgot to ask, I made it to round 2 of the karaoke contest so I'm taking suggestions for next week. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. I had a surprising fan club show up at Cock & Bull and that was really cool and fun, respek 2 dem. BLESS.

LOVE AND PEACE.

JAH BARE LEGS ONCOMING, MON.

NUKE TERRY/WEEN SPY DOLL.

2009-04-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

Just talking to my girlie Ayani and I was like "What's that you're listening to?" and she said "The new Raphael Saadiq, my sister just got it, it's alright" and I said "Oh no way, cool" and she said "What was that group he was in?" and her sister and I both said "Tony! Toni! Toné!" and then I said "Ohhhh! Get Involved? That song was the best! You know, ess ay double- dee eye cue" and she kept saying "What? What? Essay what? I don't know that song? What?" until she got that I was spelling out SAADIQ like he does in the song and then she went on to love on Lucy Pearl and then after we pumped eachother up about life, I went and listened to Get Involved and then I listened to this.

Then this...

And here it is ladies and sperms...THE PANTHER IN THE PARK ON MY STREET.

FIERCE.

Oh, and big news for Twilight fans (not really), there are vampires round these parts too (really).

I know! Who knew?! On MY street!

Hopefully all the sexy ones are busy being on the cover of GQ or Teen Vogue...

So that the sexy anti-vampire squad can take over and Leeza Gibbons and I can watch.

Bye-bye!

TACO NIGHTMARE.

2009-03-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh, WOW.

Apparently, when my brother and sister and I all graduate in June (I hope??), we will be spending a week with our very kind and generous parents in possibly the most cutest little yellow house ever.

I can't even believe how sweet and cheerful this little yellow house is.

This will be the first time we have gone on a voyage together as a family in years, and probably the last time such a thing will happen for years to come.

How about I won't even say where it is and you can just pretend it's wherever you would dream such a yellow house would suit you best for a week of reading and writing and Scrabble and rippled potato chips...and quite possibly, enough bickering to shut up the crickets.

I would never want to do that though, for the sound of summer crickets is something magical you can't often hear living in an apartment in the city.

And here we have the parallel universe version of the little yellow house on my beloved Drolet...

The purple one!

Next up, tomorrow night the karaoke contest begins at Cock & Bull.

What should I start with? What are you kids feeling??

The contest involves 3 bars with 12 contestants each, and every week one person is eliminated until there are 4 left at each bar and then we showdown for the big money...$1000! There are like 8 cash prizes though, and the weakest one is 75 bones so maybe I could win that maybe and pay my phone bill or buy you guys some chicken wings or whatever. St. Hubert anyone? Anyone??

So yeah, Wednesdays at Cock & Bull are karaoke night, and anyone can sing but only I can compete because I payed 20 dollars to be part of this special moment in history. Well me and eleven others and not you. Unless you are one of the other 11 people in it to win it.

So! Let's hope I make it past round one, and after that I might try and put pressure on the general public to get their vote on or vote or die or just stay home and eat Doritos, who cares.

Envayz. It's virtually impossible to find evidence of P. Didd's VOTE OR DIE campaign from oh four right now...I guess since he started it, he can't really escape it, but everyone else can just pretend it never happened and that peace signs will save America.

So here are some gay Doritos.

Who knew?!

So I think that I will probs go with "You Oughta Know" tomorrow night because I tried and trued it, plus Beyonce is apparently all over that shit on tour so angst is very now right now I guess.

Look out for the very best part which is when she doesn't say "FUCK", she does something ELSE. [Thank you for the hot tip Caroliner.]

If I get beyond the first round I might have to get into some Melissa Etheridge and quite possibly take up Ariel on last night's suggestion.

And by the way? Yup, I caught a unicorn on my way home from yoga, which is pretty incredible if you know a thing or two about unicorns.

I also saw a panther and got three fantastic shots of it but I don't feel like scaring anyone on a Tuesday by letting them know there really are panthers in the Plateau that will maybe eat you, especially since there were no good snacks in the recycling today...

Ha! Nice try, 4000 Drolet!

Aiight I'm audi 5000, POYCE!

P.S. They switched recycling, it's today not tomorrow.

LADIES LOVE THE ARTISTS, NO??

2009-03-30T06:07:00.000-07:00

Hey you, let's banish manic Mondays...

And play a fun game called "Do you walk around the Plateau with your eyes closed?"

Let's begin, shall we??

Do you recognize this man...

What about now...

What about now eh? This is where he most closely resembles his Plateau reincarnation...

In fact, he may be walking his dog down St. Dominique right this very second!

First prize goes to Ayan probably!

SO WHAT...

2009-03-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

And here we have some ideal rainy Sunday fare for your ears, my dears.

I haven't been out strolling yet, but from in here it seems like happy rain more than the sad chilling rain that loves to bring great pain and cold to your forehead and then your fingertips.

It's more like the kind of rain you don't mind walking in for an hour, and then you get home and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and think "Well, I don't think I've ever looked lovelier than at this very moment...how can this even be..." and the reason is, you were walking through the spring rain that brings pleasure in its midst, just you wait, carefree is on its way.

I watched this rain from my bed, droplets crawling across the underside of the wooden deck that comes off my upstairs landlord Nancy's kitchen, and it was like a machine line in the best way, even drops cruising at equal distance apart, from one crack of wood to beyond where my view could take me. What reliable droplets of rain they were!

It's certainly rained since I moved to this apartment almost two years ago, but I suppose my bed as never been at the particular place that allowed me to see this magical moment, or maybe it was just the never the right type of spring rain or even the right Sunday afternoon...

And there you have it, the most dreamy post ever...

KITTENS.

2009-03-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

I came across this on my ipeezie yesterday among these Nova Tunes compilations I downloaded and I was like "Oh shit, I love this song! What does it remind me of? Scotland? Austria??" and I decided upon investigation that it must have been something Ashley Bickerton and I watched on TV when we were in small town in Austria called BADEN in the year 2000.

Moloko - Sing It Back
Uploaded by hushhush112

In the year 2004, when I moved to Montreal, I was really into Derrick Carter and Mark Farina as I bring up from time to time when I remember how awesome they are to get shit done to...and I remember my first Saturday here I went to see Dimitri from Paris at what is now known as HOUSE but it used to be called LIVING...

I bought his Playboy Mansion CDs at HMV in the Rideau Centre after school when I was 16 and then I probably went and got a bean burrito at Taco Bell because they were only a dollar and twenty-eight cents.

Also amidst the Nova jams, I found this song by Markus Nikolai that I have never heard before but shit, is it ever cute!

And here is a Derrick Carter remix that I can't really hear as different but whatever, go Derrick Carter, you've helped me make my way to some apartment cleanliness on many occasions...

Also, the internet is cool because it made me remember buying the August 2003 issue of Muzik magazine when I was in Scotland that summer and I got this free CD that I really had fun with.

Anyway, it's long gone so if anyone wants to buy me that CD, it doesn't cost that much.

Or maybe I could download it?? Maybe! I'm really just learning how.

Also, I magically downloaded and have been listening to Bebel Gilberto when Gilles Peterson inadvertently reminded me of how pretty I thought this song was when I was 15...

You think it's terrible?? Well, I think it's lovely to sit under a tree to when there's a summer breeze...

And you can't deny the girl has got some good genes going for her...

Did you know my mom's name is Astrid? Isn't it pretty?? I think it is. So does Mansa, when she was 11 she wanted to name her daughter Astrid. Maybe she doesn't anymore, but hey Mansa, that's cool.

Oh yeah, sexy old men. Maybe next time, bye!

Okay, well here's the ultimate. He's no old fogie, but he IS older than Astrid Killike Paidra. What a cool name though, right?!

Anyways.

Hi Jeff Goldblum. How are you??

Yeah, sure, see you at the beach, no problem.

I'll wear my blond wig, it goes great with saltwater. Don't worry, Jeff Goldblum, I'm on top of it.

Jeff Goldblum, did anyone ever tell you...you're so...TALL... What's it like up there? Can I come??

Alright, you think about that, Jeff Goldblum, I'll be waiting on line 2.

Also, Jeff Goldblum loves girls in their 20s.

You heard it here first.

GODSPEED. Or whatever suits your fancy.

UNICORN HIGH.

2009-03-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's fortune was...

'Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.'

So that's always fun. Okay, okay, this picture is like two years old but I still like me colours.

Yesterday I saw a girl in purple tights and red coat and she reminded me of me but young and little...

Anyway, gotta go, surf's up!

This is probably older news than David after the Dentist but I still think it's funny. My sister sent it to me to try and convince me that I love cats even though I'm pretty sure I do not. But these days I'm thinking I might...

Stay tuned to find out the oldest dudes I have crushes. One is REALLY old...

AU-REVOIR!

OVERDUE ESSAY, SUP SUP SUP.

2009-03-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

WHASSUP MA PEOPLE.

It is currently SEVEN outside and it will shortly be NINE. WHASSUP MA PEOPLE, I SAY, WHASSUP.

Today's fortune has yet to be determined as I haven't made it past my teller's stand but I have a feeling it will be "You are going to have some new clothes."

Sounds good, sign me up.

This morning I woke up to The Cars' Shake It Up, which was definitely fun.

What's with artists whose videos are 'disabled by request' on youtube? Like, who said?? What's the point?? Hey The Cars, are you pulling a Lars Ulrich?? I mean you're fun to wake up to on AM940 and all, but I think your real time to shine has maybe come and gone.

By the time Carly Simon came on around 7:10 talking about clouds in her coffee, I had my own coffee ready and had just taken out my recycling because I REMEMBERED IN TIME! And it was crisp and fresh outside and I thought "Wouldn't it do you a whole lot of good to take a stroll in the park?" The answer was yes, so I grabbed a letter I wrote to my dear friend Ayan, you know, Ayan that I saw yesterday, she who lives like 12 minutes away from me...and I walked to the Carré St. Louis to mail my letter (eventhough the mailbox on Roy is way closer...) and then I strolled through the park with my mug of fresh coffee and walked all the way around the fountain on the ledge, as though I were a tight rope walker and it was AWESOME. I think that I looked that much cooler because I was wearing baggy sweatpants and bright purple sneakers and my LOUD green parka and this funny blue hat that used to be my Grandma's...

Then I ran into this guy I know who I think is funny because when I met him in oh-six and kept saying how familiar he was, he said "My mom says I look like the guy in The Notebook!" and I thought that was really funny so now he's okay I guess but he was sort of mean to my good friend sometimes so like whatever, right? Anyway, I told him that if he had walked around the corner of Laval about a minute and a half earlier, he would have seen me walking around the fountain and his day would have been that much better, especially when he realized that he knew me and looked the other way...

WAKING UP EARLY IS THE SHIT, YO.

Soanyway, I'm kind of into teen goth eye make-up maybe kind of I think.

In Skim, which I mentioned yesterday, some older woman says to an angst-ridden teen, "You have the eyes of a fortune teller" and then her snarky friend says "That means you wear too much eyeliner."

This was funny, I thought, and so for the second day this week I am looking...actually more like a drag queen than a goth teen.

Maybe I look like a drag teen.

PEEP THIS, YO.

It's something funny related to the penis that I came across yesterday.

YO, THE INTERNET IS SO FUN. YO.

And Spiderman fans will appreciate this sweet nugget of angel dust.

I know how to do links! It's so flippin' easy! MY GASH!

This is last week's news maybe, but this is sort of really funny shit if you can stand it. It makes you cringe and want to look away. If you make it through to the end, you deserve a fresh bushel of pussy willows.

This is what my finger looked like today when I took off the band-aid I put on it yesterday when I cut it with my biggest knife when I was trying to shorten the stems of my fresh bushel of pussy willows because they were FAR TOO LONG.

And this is an onion I can't bear to part with...

Because he is no longer just a flavourful fetus, he is an actual being!!!

I can't put an end to that therefore I will plant him when it's warmer out...eventhough he is obviously a magic onion because he doesn't even need nourishment to grow, he just grows and grows and grows. Maybe that's just all onions. Who cares?!

No matter what, his name is definitely Richard, after my number one city gurl bestie Katie Hermon's dad, and also after the best guy from the original Guess Who?, before they got all politically correct and confused all of Wisconsin with ethnically diverse characters...

Speaking of KATIE HERMON...

Hey! Katie Hermon! School is almost over. Do you know what that means? I mean, do you even REALIZE what this could POSSIBLY mean???

This is a beautiful work of art Katie made for me last spring, when I started to get excited, as usual, about how much fun summer is going to be, and so I tend to bring it up a lot and I don't know why this year would be any different because SUMMER IS HAPPENING AGAIN!!!

I had something to say about Carly Simon, and in relation James Taylor, and in relation this funny thing that happened in relation this past weekend??

Maybe next time.

Seeya!

Oh! Gilles Peterson's BBC Radio 1 show from last Thursday is "well good" as they say in Britain, so I think that you should go and listen to it before it disappears with a new one tomorrow.

YO! BYE!