I LOVE THE NIGHTLIFE THIRTY-THREE AND A THIRD

DEAR CODA SPECIAL CLUB,

I didn't want to do blow, sparkle and pose. I hope you guys had fun. I didn't even want to fuck Diplo, eventhough I hear he has a mammoth cock and it's definitely been awhile. I just wanted to dance and wile out with my special guests Iggy and Pat (and seasoned regulars Nathaniel, Ben, Hans and Mike Chiu too eventhough Mike Chiu was never coming in the first place). Anyways, you guys probably shouldn't hand out those exclusive slips of paper until the last second because now I've killed a tree 2 weeks in a row because I'm a social pariah that's not down enough for the "GL" and then I get fed up and leave. Y'all are wack. I guess I should consider investing in a boyfriend who's a drug dealer or something else that is special...

RESPEK! (NOT.)

NICOLA JANE YOUNG

P.S. Y'all should also provide pencils, like at IKEA.

ZOOM IMAGE!!!

AIIGHT.

Everybody should check out Pat's new Discobelle mix.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/34834528d819a3

It's not LET'S PARTY choons, but it's definitely aiight for shillin and one of my favourite song to fall asleep to, It's Automatic by Zoot Woman, is a welcomed surprise at the 24 minute mark.

Pat doesn't think he's the shit either, eventhough he's straight dope, time and time again. Down to earth lad for sure, ever since I met him on the 87 bus in Ottawa, that night I accidentally/on purpose drank a bottle of wine in about 9 minutes and made my first and last entrance to THE CABIN and VOMITED ALL OVER THE FLOOR. Whatever you guys, I was a TEENAGER.

Thank god THAT'S over.

Oh yeah and peep his shit at Blizzarts next Sunday.

It seems to me that I am more concerned with the stars of Degrassi: The Next Generation than those sparkly delights of Coda hot spot fame. The girl who plays Liberty appears to be a student at Concordia. I saw her at the Metric/K-OS show on Mackay last week, waiting in the beer line. Stars...THEY'RE JUST LIKE US! [sidenote: Skratch Bastid's set was fun as always.] I would googleimage her and find out her name and put a picture of her below and then write THEY'RE JUST LIKE US on it in MS PAINT...but I wouldn't want to give her a hard time because she's probably a really nice girl. She's definitely quite striking in a way that CTV can't really translate. Her black skinny jeans fit well and her Nikes were hype and happy. I think she'll do fine...I hear that in the US, Degrassinextgen stars are KIND OF A BIG DEAL. But Concordia rules and I'm sure it won't treat her like NYU treated the Olsen twins a few years back...

...when they dressed like bag ladies...WAIT A MINUTE! They still...JUST PLAY'N. I like their look for the most part although I think that those Balenciaga platforms from fall '06 are VERY DANGEROUS. [sidenote: they rock ripped tights WAY better than L-LO...time and time again.]

Like I said before, Geri Halliwell is PRETTY HOT.

Mare-Kate! Mary-Kate! Mary-Kate! Did you learn NOTHING from 1997??

BE FOREWARNED. The following is VERY TRAUMATIZING.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfgfTfyW7MU

Thanks to all the homekids who came over for the potluckorama last night.

FOR FASHION. FOR FRIENDSHIP. FOR REAL.

Holy shit, Hans is here for carrot ginger soup and baguette and he just said the following funniest shit:

"If me not going to this club means sacrificing having a good time then I'm totally down. I would rather stay at home and listen to depressing music and watch Philidelphia instead of going to that fucking place!!!"

Alright, that's it, we're buying him a new hat! Then he's off to Haliwood, Nova Scotia for my sister Hilary Elizabeth Young's Bat Mitzvah aka her disc jockey debut at Tribeca on Wednesday with her friend Brett. It's called BREAKOUT so don't forget about how NOXEMA GIRLS GET NOTICED. I just can't seem to get it right, I have post-teen acne it's true...

SO IF YOU'RE IN HALIFAX, YOU BETTER GO!

Apparently Brett doesn't like the idea of Mariah Carey Fantasy remix as a crowd-hyper and is thinking more ELECTRO BANGERS. I'm sure they'll work it out, it's all about balance.

Which begs the question, what are YOU gonna do when you get outta jail?

I'M GONNA DO A REMIX! (and have some fun.)

BYE GUYS!

And like my girl Ivana Trump said,

DON'T GET MAD, GET EVERYTHING.

P.S. Mike Chiu walked out on Naked Gun 33 1/3. ACTUALLY.

WE SLEPT IN!

OOPS.

I missed yoga this morning but I did go pump the iron...well actually I just went on the elliptical...and the bike...but what do YOU care??

Anyways, I was stoked because it was RAINING and I thought HOORAY I WON'T HAVE TO WORK.

But the times they are a'changin'.

Either way, Geri Halliwell is PRETTY HOT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OyyBGjKAsf4

And by hot I mean THIS VIDEO IS SO BIZARRE.

GIRL POWER!

OH LORD.

SUP BROS...

I'd love to stay and blog your bones but I have to go get in line at CODA SPECIAL CLUB for the Diplo/Switch show. You know, because it's Friday. And the show's on Sunday. So it just makes sense, y'know?? NOT!!! Jeez louise though, what's WITH that shit??? Seriously.

I'm only half-joking. I mean, I wouldn't want it to get ugly, like my LAST bouncer fight.

Some people say I bear a STRIKING resemblance to Kimora Lee Simmons...

Whatever, sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in, and fight for what you really want (and NEED).

Be it world domination or a Fendi Spy bag.

Anyways, hip-hop HOORAY 2 Katie for the struggle she endured in Saigon for me a few weeks ago.

Katie is what we call a true friend and city styles deluxe.

DON'T MESS.

Alright y'all, TGIF and I'm not talking about Cory and Topanga.

I'm talking about Sophie's Muscle Toning Class and nowwwwwwwww PAD THAI at Katie's!

HOORAAAAAAAAY!!!!

Then I'll probably watch the Golden Girls and masturbate, you know how it is.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND KIDS!

DON'T FORGET THE PERMISSION SLIPS!

Or you're NOT going to the Dinosaur Museum (Jenna, this means YOU.)

LOVE,

NICOLA

WITH IT: part deux

GUTEN MORGEN MEIN KINDER. CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE...but first go get your GED.

The following was penned in the wee hours of September 6th...because I'm real traditional. I write with a pen and paper. At java u ! Twas early in the morning though, I know this much is true.

A big FUCK YOU goes out to the bitchy hippy who sold me that TAPE DECK THAT DOESN’T WORK at the “GREEN” garage sale last week downtown by 3 Amigos (how was 3 Amigos voted the NUMBER ONE Mexican restaurant in that Mirror poll in the spring?? How was Carlos & Pepes voted NUMBER TWO?? Both serve…WACK EATS. More on that later…)

Right so, LISTEN UP LINEN-PANTS, you’re LAME. You need to face the fact that you’re a fraud, your daddy owns the Bellagio, the Carribean AND the world wide web. You think I can’t see that your Angelina Jolie Gone in 60 Seconds dreads are just that?? ANGELINA JOLIE GONE IN 60 SECONDS DREADS (a sorry excuse for a bad-ass hair-do)…I BET YOU MADE THEM WITH SEBASTIAN MOLDING MUD aaaaaand YOU BOUGHT IT AT FULL PRICE. Look, I know you want yer pops to LISTEN UP AND GIVE A SHIT but no matter how hard you pound on the djembe he WON’T. He owns a CASINO for chrissakes! Five dollars was pushing it, even if it DID work. I mean, let’s be realistic here, it wasn’t even a double-tape deck.

A big WAIT A MINUTE goes out to anyone who’s like HOLD UP WHAT’S YOUR BEEF WITH AFRICAN DRUMMING?? No beef. Straight up. Don’t really dig tam-tams, don’t really smoke the pot…but that’s all aiight if that’s what makes you feel aiight…feel me?? My dad’s way into that shit. He has 3 drums. Righteous dude. I actually did drumming every Saturday morning with him at the OTTAWA FOLKLORE CENTRE on BANK STREET in Ottawa in grade 10. TRUE STORY.

In regards to Mexican cuisine, go to Lola Rosa on Milton because that place is cute and the owners are nice and have FrenchfromFrance accents. This dude who used to work at 3 Amigos, he told ME that that 3 Amigos and Carlos and Pepes are owned by the same peeps, so there you have it folks. Margarita happy hour and 365 days a year of Christmas lights can’t buy you my respect. It’s called CONSPIRACY THEORY and it stars Mel Gibson* and Julia Roberts*. They bought those number one spots.

[*names have been changed to protect the feelings of the owners of 3 Amigos and Carlos and Pepes…did I mention they have WACK EATS???]

Kind of like how Lindsay Lohan was SUPPOSEDLY voted NUMBER ONE in Maxim’s HOT 100 this year. Seriously?? I mean, I’m over Scarlett too and I’d be actually be superdown to rave with Lindsay and the Ronsons this weekend but I don’t know, I mean I found it sort of mind-boggling…because well, Lindsay normally looks a bit under the weather in photos. Maybe she’s alright to jerk of to…better than Jenna Jamieson these days that’s fer DAMN SURE. Seen her?? Shiiiiiiiiit… (Turn to PG Number end of blog to go down on Jenna Jamieson.)

Back to Mexican cuisine… Chanelling a hetero lad with an ounce of human decency, I might, I don’t know, opt out of feeding Lindsay Lohan my HOT 100 love pipe, and maybe just feed her to a taxi cab en route to Utah. (UH-gain). I think Lindsay’s alright, just misunderstood. And I think that hetero lads who read Maxim do have human decency…more-so than the middle-agers hiding Barely Legal in their briefcases and taking the less-populated metro lines to work in a total detour to avoid running into anyone they know well they get up on thangs…PERV thangs. Feel me?? Fact of the matter is, I don’t think Lindsay deserved all the flack she got for that bright stripey dress she wore to the Maxim Hot 100 jam last spring. That dress was flippin’ DOPE and hey, I’d probably buy myself the #1 spot in the HOT 100 if I could stop blowing my allowance on the latest from Trident. Blueberry Pomegranate.

Trident Blueberry Pomegranate [SUPERPAK]. That’s shit’s AIIGHT. Really. My temples hurt though…I need to cut down to maybe 9 pieces a day from my standard 14. Because I get these spasms where I bite my cheek in the same place REALLY HARD and then I develop a chancre and it BLOWS. It will be hard though, because as aforementioned I’m flippin’ BFF with aspartame. I watched this flick last week when I was hanging with my mom in Ottawa called Candy with Heath Ledger and Abbie Cornish (the saucy minx that may or may not have fucked up Reese and Ryan’s marriage in 2006). It’s Australian, pretty decent and really sad. The old guy who seemed to have his shit together said near the beginning “When you can stop, you don’t want to. And when you want to stop, you can’t.” This was in regards to heroin. I guess Trident Blueberry Pomegranate isn’t REALLY a gateway drug….Seriously though, that line made me go “WELL shit…” and I couldn’t think of any other way to segue into the UNDERLYING MESSAGE OF MEIN BLOGENSHTEIN. That being, DON’T DO HEROIN. Okay, maybe on weekends and/or before that boring 4 hour lecture…no but really…JUST DON’T DO IT. Because the old guy who was so insightful OD’d in the end. Didn’t have his shit together afterall. And you won’t either. Also, steer clear of crack, look what happened to Whitney Houston!

You see mein kinder...

And THEN...

You lose your marbles. And your teeth if you do meth! BONUS!

I’m not sure if it’s a problem but I don’t like sleeping. I think it’s a waste of time. I’ve gone to bed at 6 the past 3 nights and I wake up at 9 like LET’S GO! And I could go back to sleep but it’s like FUHGEDDABOUTIT, right?!! So I don’t sleep but I definitely have time to. Because as aforementioned in NEXT SHIT from Volume 1, MY FALL SCHEDULE AT CONCORDIA UNIVERSITY DEFINITELY RULES. I think that everyone would want it to be honest. If my schedule were a Top 40 jam it would be the NUMBER ONE RING TONE.

Is it still The Way I Are?? I don’t like that song. I really don’t like it. It’s like Timbaland, I know you’re dope and I know you made up what I think of as JT NOISES to drop in summer oh-six but maybe you should have saved them for yourself…because that shit is tired. But that’s just me. And I get bored VERY EASILY.

Enough about number ones let’s talk about NUMBER 2s.

What’s normal??

I normally clock out at 3 to 5 times a day on average.

What’s normal??

Talk amongst yourselves.

Don’t be SHY! EVERYBODY POOPS! Sometimes…

In conclusion, breaking up is hard to do, as is refilling the ice-cube tray and watering the herb garden (sorry Dad!).

PEACE & LOVE & GO SEE THE BRATZ FEATURE FILM,

NICOLA JANE YOUNG

P.S. I don’t have anything against dreadlocks really, I think they’re kind of hot actually if you have the perfect forearms with with perfect bulging veins and perfect non-denominational forearm tattoos…and you take regular showers…as opposed to just using Axe body spray before you go meet your crush for a cherry coke…bommchickawahWHATEVER. Aaaand aerosol is bad for the Earth! [That being said, I admit to canoodling with super-duper serious hairspray in the past…and perhaps I’ve sauntered down to the netherHOLDUP! I’ve known a lad or two who liked to play with spray-paint, we’ll leave it at that. And go on to say that it POISONS THEIR BRAINS.]

RED-HOT BONUS TIP 4 ALL YOU GUYS OUT 2 TANTALIZE: I’ve recently discovered that Issey Miyake makes a raaather aROUSING scent for males. TAKE NOTE. Best of luck. And don’t be silly, wrap your willy. No DUHHHH!!!!

P.P.S. 6:15 am. I had a late dinner date with Hillary with two ells and was home by midnight. My social contact after that besides a telephone conversation with Hilary with one ell and one with King Hans Zimnoch has included…this was glorious actually, I was outside around 5 am and I saw a MORNING GLORY. They only bloom in the morning. Now at 6:15 am it has CLOSED. How romantic…a morning glory juste pour moi.

Then there is ummm there’s this cat in my hood that wants to be my friend, I won’t get into the history of it now but basically I saw the ol’ bugger around 5, first through my window then when I was outside. He would come close and then run away and then peer out at me from under cars like “Hiiiiiiiii!” and then bounce. But at 6 I was like yo sup do you want to chill, come on in. And he did. As he has done on 2 other occasions. But I guess he’s tired too because he went in my room (I took a few pictures of him with the shitty disposable camera Jenna got me at Dollarama for my birthday. IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS/IT HAS NO FLASH.) and ummm he went under my bed and he hasn’t come out in nearly 20 minutes. So I guess he’s taking a nap in my extra bed-linens which is great because I’m actually allergic to cats. Jesus, I must be lonely at this ungodly hour because did I mention I’m allergic to cats?? OH! And when I was outside a few minutes ago this big black van drives by and stops in front of my crib, like the kind that kidnaps people (except not WHITE because we all know THAT wasn’t bullshit.) and this scary woman like (CAT BESIDE ME NOW UNDER MY DESK…I think I’ll name him Salamander…) so this scary woman like straight out of The Goonies opens the door and yells to the other people inside THIRTY-EIGHT OH FIVE* (*precise address has been changed because I don’t want to get kidnapped by anyone reading this), slams the door and then ZOOMS off. WTF?! So just in case you see me on a milk carton, the van was BLACK. I feel like it might have been dark blue though. Shiiiiiiiiit…WHERE DID SALAMANDER RUN OFF TO?? Oh the other morning bonus is that there has been a bumble bee in my apartment for ohhhh we’ll say 2 hours?? Also wants to party I guess. I guess these guys didn’t get the memo that my BFF is ACTUALLY aspartame. (Not really, it’s actually Hilary Elizabeth Young.) I think I’m going to have to kick out Salamander. I’m not ready for this kind of commitment. As aforementioned, I get bored VERY easily.

I AM OFFICIALLY AN INSOMNIAC/HEARTBREAKER OF THE DAY.

And I wish that my flakey fish internet signal would kick in so that I could get some Jenna Jamieson beach shots to jizz all over with my MS paint spray paint can. It’s eco-friendly. Non-aerosol (Mother I am learning).

OVER AND OUT.

Just occurred to me that I don’t know that cat well enough to know whether or not he was double-dog dared to come in and take a pee under my bed. Heeeeeere’s HOPING!

ALL THE RAGE, VOLUME 1.

SUP LADS AND LASSIES?! WILLKOMMEN 2 MEIN BLOG! BROADCASTING THE RAGE! HEEEEEERE WE GO...

Oh and anyone who thinks having a B-L-O-G is self-involved is CLEARLY INSANE. Onward and upward.

So hey you guys, listen up/don't MAKE me say it twice: this here blog will chronicle my sexscapades as a single gal on the isle of Montreal. I lead a very exciting life, I get laid TONS and I have very expensive shoes and I like to WHINE and 4 hours and 3 tiramisus later, I found myself wondering "Why am I still slangin' gelato for 7 dollars an hour??" (inhales Marlbloro light, looks pensive)

FACTS OF LIFE:
Times New Roman BLOWS.

Clarence Carter’s Slip Away is the most romantic song ever.

Belinda Carlisle’s Heaven is A Place on Earth is an entirely righteous way to start the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQahvFdQVu8dQVu8

That or Sugarhigh by who the fuck knows, you know, the final song on the Empire Records soundtrack, the one that Rene Zelwegger sings REALLY WELL on the roof to release her RAGING ROCK STAR DEMONS, you know before she got skinny and buff and scary and dated Jim Carrey (ref. Fig 1.). Check THIS out too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwBMQI0LK7w

Fig. 1 (not pleased with this image, don't know why it's so bloody small, I can barely read it and my nickname is NOT 4eyes...).

This is also a hearty breakfast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW06iF0Ntaw.com/watch?v=rW06iF0Ntaw

George Clooney appeared in 17 episodes of THE FACTS OF LIFE between 1985 and 1987. His character’s name was also George.

Between 1985 and 1987, I was bored because my sister was not born yet (HI HILARY!)

This is my sister Hilary Elizabeth Young. She's a supermodel in Haliwood, Nova Scotia. I think she's really pretty and nice and makes way better jokes than me. Great legs, kind heart, big booms.

These are my parents (John Gordon Young & Astrid Killike Paidra) on their wedding day in 1979. My mom's the shit because she skipped a grade (and she's from the same town as Avril Lavigne). My dad's the shit because he's had a beard for like 40 years straight. Plus they're doctors so that means they're SUPERSMART.

This is my brother Alexander Lachlan Young and his steady girlfriend Victoria "POSH" Tuttle.

It looks like she wears the pants and he's scared. Which begs the question, "Should they REALLY be moving in together??" (chill the heck out Alex, I'm just taking the piss, and Victoria I think you're sweet as pie and I loved the birthday card you made me with all the cool purses on it.) Alex went to Australia to HAHDEN THE FACK UP. He is really good at painting, and he enjoys lifting heavy objects and he's totally okay with eating nachos minus salsa (coughWEIRDO!)

FUN SECRETS:

I only figured out how to turn off my alarm clock yesterday. I’ve had it for about a month. Before that, every time it went off I would unplug it, plug it back in and reset the time or else it would just keep beeping.

If you plug my alarm clock back in really fast it will KEEP BEEPING like you NEVER EVEN UNPLUGGED IT.

I have a crush on FrenchfromFrance Jean-Francois who teaches yoga (ref. Fig. 2) at the downtown YMCA on Saturday mornings. I don’t know if he is into girls or boys; I’d say he is appealing to a wide variety of orientations and generations. If you know, let me know.

Fig. 2

If you put a packet of NUTRASWEET in a glass of DIET COKE it will MAKE THE BUBBLES DISAPPEAR IMMEDIATELY. I know this because I TRIED IT ONCE because sadly, I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF ASPARTAME and WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT WOULD TASTE LIKE. The verdict: NOT SO GOOD.

I have a playlist called STURBSLEEP on my iTUNES. It’s for jerking off before I go to bed. D’Angelo Devil’s Pie intro, Charlie Parker/John Coltrane extended outro. You know, so I don’t have to get out of bed after I’m finished.

I watched the Junos (not really).

I will find my way to a television for September 8th’s MTV VIDEO AWARDS (really).

I have seen Brooke Hogan receive BEST GRILLZ on the MTV TEEN CHOICE AWARDS minimum three times. It’s the last award. I always miss the rest. This bothers me immensely.

I still think that Demi and Ashton are a hoax.

NEXT SHIT:

This new series called Californication starring David Duchovny is bloody hilarious. There is life after Red Shoe Diaries [ref. Fig. 3] for David Duchovny [ref. Fig. 4]. Soft-core erotica for straight women as narrated by David Duchovny (1992 to 1999). GET WITH IT. Somehow his nasal monotone works for this shit. Or maybe you forget about because you GET TO SEE THE BARE BREASTS OF THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER FROM THE NANNY. Soft-core erotica for Fran Drescher fans [ref. Fig. 5]the world over (1993-1999). Translated into more languages than Anne of Green Gables (not a proven fact).

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

TAMBOURINE REMIX (WHAT’S UP...still good).

PURPLE PILLS (full dirty version OBVIOUSLY...still SIIIIIIIICK!)

BORN SLIPPERY (over and over and over again.)

PATENT LEATHER?? HIGH-WAISTED JEANS?? HARD DRUGS??? BEING INVINCIBLE?? (holy shit is that you pete doherty?? you're STILL here?!?! PROPS!)

MY FALL SCHEDULE AT CONCORDIA UNIVERSITY (WHAT’S UP 4 DAY WEEKEND WHAT’S UP).

HOT READ OF THE WEEK:

AIIGHT PEACE & LOVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, HIT THE BOOKS AND NOT THE BOTTLE.

(aside: Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868)

ONE!

you know you love me,
gossip girl
www.gossipgirl.net

END SCENE.

P.S. BONUS FUN FACT/SAY ANYTHING MOMENT: Until I googleimaged David Duchovny I forgot all about X-Files. Holy shit what’s up Trivial Pursuit 90s LOSER.

In addition, these are a few of my favourite things. It's an old piece, but still highly relevant considering all this talk about global warming.

ALL ORIGINAL MATERIAL BY NICOLA JANE YOUNG, PRE-TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE 13 DAYS AGO LIVE FROM DROLET IT'S LABOUR DAYYYYY!!!

{BIG UP 2 CARROT TOP, YOU'VE BEEN MY GUIDING LIGHT, JAH BLESS.}