If you’re really up on American politics, you’ve probably been thinking about Christian Dior a lot lately.
You’ve been considering how totally “all up in the clearance rack at Zellers” the French brand would be without Obama...because most people care about who be prez more than the results of the on-going Lohan vs. substance abuse race.
You’ve been deep in thought over everything I said about Gwen Stefani and her obsession with Jamaica, which naturally brought you to look beyond her collab with lesportsac and back to that time John Galliano shamelessly dabbled in Rastafarianism.
Of course, in light of the zipzapzoom of fashion seasons, Dior hasn’t jah blessed since the Stone Age (read: 2004).
But hey, the only fridge I was hanging out with back then was the one that keeps things cold and is filled with 14 different kinds of cheese at all times, that being the new-age refrigerator at my parents house on Dorothea Drive…the fridge that’s on some next shit with the freezer on the BOTTOM and sour cream on top.
I know, I know, in light of the zipzapzoom of kitchen design, ice cream sandwiches and microwave burritos have been partying near the floor since the Stone Age.
You don’t know my parents though (or maybe you do), and for real, they are pretty ahead of the times when it comes to spicing up the interiors of 136 Dorothea.
For real, for real, we had ice cubes down under way before Friday came out, straight up!
They were on that shit since House Party was coming soon to a theatre near YOU!
WHAT.
Alls I’m trying to say is forgive me for talking about fashion moments long passéeeeee but chances are you’re still totally obsessed with scoop-back American Apparel dresses and KEDS so you’d be wise to listen up or you’ll be doomed to back-of-the-Mirror fame for way longer than it takes Dov Charney to reach climax (rumoured to waver between 3 and 5 minutes depending on which dealer is on call that night).
That said, totally can’t wait for spring so I can rock my Keds on the regular (I have like, 9 pairs).
Maybe I’ll be REALLY next and switch it up with something HIGH-WAISTED.
Or something else that is fresh like maybe some Ray Ban Wayfarers or a cool haircut that will have me regularly confused with the lead singer of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Or maybe I’ll just invest in some gold laméeee leggings that call it a day below belly- button, no biggie.
They totally look great on all body types. Especially those recommended to avoid horizontal stripes by the knowing eye of Cosmopolitan magazine (the epitome of useful style tips, not to mention really innovative flirt tactics and sexual prowess. “Take an ice cube and put it in YOUR mouth. Then kiss your man and slip it into HIS mouth. He won’t be able to resist the heat and the ice cube will soon be history.”)
I just want to big-up my boy John Galliano, that’s all. And take him away from toxic association with Gwen Stefani’s concept of Jamaica because yo, he really didn’t even mean it like that, okay? I know what you’re thinking…
“Makes sense that Galliano would travel in a fifty Bentleys in the West Indies direction, considering he’s no stranger to Pirates of the Carribean chic...”
But you’ve got it ALL WRONG.
And yeah, maybe he designed Gwen Stefani's wedding dress but John Galliano is actually way more influenced by fast food than kinky reggae.
You might not think to associate high fashion with fast food. You might think the fashion world in general is not particularly up on calorie-fests, except for Delta Burke which gratuitously endorses the practice in hopes of snagging Tyra Banks as a spokesperson to rival Delta Burke. But like, SO WHAT, right?
Galliano’s chosen colour scheme back in the Stone Age actually has more do with an often-overlooked yet arctic feud between he and Karl “Sample size THIS” Lagerfeld.
Not to make any generalizations, but anyone who has known and loved Cool Runnings (and is nonetheless blind to the teen heat of the Lagerfeld vs. Galliano war), will undoubtedly feel all “isn’t it ironic” about the JAMAICAN SNOWBOARD that sought to be all the rage that season.
HoweEVER, when he pulled that apt to be misinterpreted snowboard move...
Galliano was just trying to say “Hey Karl! I know you’re HUNGRY..."
"I know you WANT some a DIS!! Eat me."
"Bite my dust as I French ALP your bitchy ass! WHAT.”
Regardless, the REAL heat was between Gwen “Jamaica gotta bobsled team” Stefani and the house of Dior at large. I know you're confused because Gwen's wedding dress was Dior but that was in 2002. The real battle was over who decided the colour scheme was cool first and there was even an official referee and it was awesome.
It was basically like when 50 Cent was all “Let’s battle.” in Kanye’s face and Kanye was like “Bitch, you serious?! Aiight…STEP.”
We all know who won THAT battle (and no one was more suprised than the big man himself).
In conclusion, I’m really lucky underneath it all.
Lucky that I come from a veritable fashion mecca like OTTAWA...
Rather than ORANGE COUNTY.
Tragic Kingdom inDEED.
WHAT.
Sayonara...
P.S. I was talking to a friend at CON-U who was telling me about sending his shit to this underground New York publishing house that published Viggo Mortensen and that he really hopes to get published and I was all “I know, that’s like, my goal too!” and then I asked him if he had read my blog lately and he said sometimes but it’s kind of all “celeb shit” and also that “everyone writes the same these days, it’s all stream-of-consciousness shit” (as though everyone has the same consciousness??) and it was like COOL THANKS and I thought back to the time I found a copy of US Weekly at the YMCA a few weeks ago and was reading it and noting all the stuff I didn’t even know about and it wasn’t until like 4 days ago that I noticed the magazine was from AUGUST. So it’s really funny that as much as some people think I must be obsessed with what’s going down in LA, I’m actually kind of out of date. At least I was until Thursday night when I hung out at my girl Stephanie Anne Gaty’s and flipped through the latest. I’ll probably write about Drew Barrymore and Justin Long like 4 years after the “ask my anything/let’s double with Cam” phase.
STEP.
