Sunday, September 30, 2007

ILLEST B-GIRL EVER. TRUE!

YO! Skip the following if you are not Dane or a girl who knows who Rachel Zoe is.

Friday I styled up Caroliner because I am taking on commissions as a personal stylist and everyone should know. I initially pushed for Theresa's sparkly leopard print sweater, joojed of course (or is it zoojhed or jujhed or zushed or zuzjed?) with barely there shorts and sky-high two-tone patent leather pumps. But she was going to the SAT so it was actually quite innovative on her part to belt the vintage Michael Kors dress and call it a look...the pumps remained, we accessorized with a big black bangle and a flashy gold menswear watch I got in the metro...a maroon reptile clutch tied the whole thing together. I wanted her to wear my black and white houndstooth giant kaftan thing as a coat but she went with her jean jacket which kept it Caroliner and that is the mission as the best personal stylist. Maintain your client's original flavour while adding an element of spice. Also don't reveal too much about your client's eating habits to the public or she will inevitably bash you in her blog. Everyone will know that your fave dish is three pieces of asparagus at the Chateau Marmont. And that sometimesin your life, when you're depressed, you drink 7 cups of coffee a day and work out for almost almost as many hours and therefore think that you are entitled to make as many body image jokes in your blog as humanly possible. And no one will want to golden shower orgy fest you if your pee is all stinky from ASPARAGUS.

Stick to the rules.
























Do not aggressively impose your personal style values upon said client.
























Or y'all will inevitably perish...

















And you'll probably never get over it.

























I know I won't...
























I didn't go raving, I just hung out with Nathaniel watching telly and then I found myself blah blah blah do not click on the following link for the EMO FINAL THOUGHT (we HOPE).


Anyway, Saturday was aiight. What Caroliner referred to as "AN ARMY OF GAZELLES" helped me set up the patio at work.

"They're all so TALL AND CUTE! I'm in a panic!"- Agent Caroliner Murphy
Then she ran away, only introducing herself to like, a QUARTER of the hotties.

I dipped into the gelato for the first time in a month and it was glorious but not THAT glorious because it's the end of the season so it's slim pickings and ALL THE HAZELNUT IS GONE AND I DON'T THINK PRINCE ALI THE GELATO GENIE WILL BE MAKING ANY MORE!!!

I got 12 Sols for $13.99 and it was nice intimate girl on girl festival until around 1:30 when we went to A REAL LIVE HOUSE PARTY. Them are the best.

HIP-HOP! BOYS IN BACKPACKS! SPRAYPAINT! HIP-HOP! BOYS IN BACKPACKS! SPRAYPAINT!

Like the olden days. HOORAY!

We ended up at Bifthèque with a free pitcher of Sangria right before they closed. I got some new matchmaking ideas...


Then I bounced and hit up La Belle Province for a side of GARDEN SALAD and immediately DROPPED 10. Forget what you heard about cardio and moderation. SERIOUSLY.

I had a great sleep. I have to work at 2. I wonder if the army of gazelles will show up...it just might be their last day to use me for free gelato. Because...I AM GOING TO HAVE THANKSGIVING WITH MY FAMILY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THREE YEARS!



















We are going to have fun.







Sort of like the following, which you've definitely never seen or heard before.
KEEP IT INNOVATIVE!!!
Anyway, it's 1:31 and my hair is greasy and going to stay that way.
And now after going up and going over things it's 1:36. Which is the address of my home in Ottawa. This number haunts me and pops up in random places at least 5 times a week and it's sort of creepy and I don't really understand it. But as we grow older, we learn.
BIG UP TO CAROLINER, NATHANIEL, DARCY, KATIE AND JENNA FOR BEING THE SHIT THIS WEEKEND!
THEY SPIT IT LIKE IT IS. RESPEK!
ONE MORE CHOON! Here's the one for the weekend. I would like to dedicate the following to my friend Mark James Murray, who has been having trouble sleeping lately.
Yo guy. You'll work it out.
I AM GOING TO BE LATE AGAIN! WHERE IS RACHEL ZOE WHEN I NEED HER?!?!?!
LOVE,
NICOLA JANE YOUNG

Friday, September 28, 2007

AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A PARTY MIX PARTY

Hi there!
Last night was awesome because Katie and Jenna and I went to Esperanza and heard some decent country and some really awful who knows what where week rhymed with weak over and over and over again. What made it awesome was the fact that we drank beer, ate nachos, and then ordered 3 cookies and a piece of cake and we also had 3 glasses of milk. It started to rain just as we got the boot but all was well because I opened up the cute umbrella I bought at Jean-Coutu on Tuesday that a South-Asian lit affiliate told me would probably break within 5 minutes because that's what happened to her the day she was stoked on her cute umbrella--AND IT'S STILL FIT AND FASHIONABLE TODAY.


I called the YMCA this morning to inquire about Sophie's absence on Wednesday and whether she would be around today. Today's MUSCLE TONING CLASS would be hosted by CLAUDETTE. Claudette does the same shit every time and uses the same jams every time. Claudette also makes some scary noises and is sort of scary looking in a way that I'm sorry to say, reminded me of the Meth Moms episode of Tyra the first time I saw her. Needless to say, I did not partake in CLAUDETTE'S MUSCLE TONING CLASS this afternoon.

It's time to let go.


















SERIOUSLY.

And get used to a different kind of daily grind...

















So today I went on the elliptical and watched THE VIEW. I have a growing appreciation for Whoopi Goldberg. I think that she's the shit and she makes me feel good about myself because one time she did not have sex for seven years straight. When I was a bit younger, I used to worry I was a slut but now I worry I am an old maid who doesn't even know what she's into anymore. Whoopi makes me feel aiight.


























On my way home, I listened to Midnight Marauders and was taken back to high school when them were the background jams for my first sexual experience following a really terrible ski bum movie.



























Before teenage love shattered my soul in a way that only happens once. (SO FAR SO GOOD.)




















I went to PROVIGO and got some PARTY MIX and some REGULAR DR. PEPPER FOR CAROLINER BECAUSE SHE HATES ASPARTAME and DIET DR. PEPPER FOR ME BECAUSE IT CANCELS OUT THE CHEETOS. When I talked to Caroliner this morning about our afternoon movie date, she was like YO LET'S GET SASSY AND MIX SMARTFOOD WITH PARTY MIX and I pretended to be as excited about it as she was, but really I was like yo, I wanted carbs for dinner too, let's not get out of hand here.






















Whatever, I looked for Smartfood at Provigo but they didn't have any. Then I went to FIVE OTHER STORES on my way home and WHERE HAS ALL THE SMARTFOOD GONE?? Maybe Caroliner got a head start and bought all the Smartfood in Montreal but I'm still going to pop in Blockbuster to see if they have some on my way to her house. Eventhough I am worried that I wouldn't be able to buy it anyway because I have late charges. Actually, I'm not even a member of Blockbuster. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just don't know my postal code yet plus Hans' roommate Cary lent me Airheads last week and I haven't watched it yet.


























Finally, deep love and affecion goes out to my girl EMMA JANE CRIDGE. Tommorow is her birthday which means that she has been in New Zealand for ALMOST ONE YEAR. She is one of my best friends and favourite people in the world and I miss her in a way that Everything But the Girl just can't express. She is beautiful inside and out and deserves all the happiness in the world. I made her a carrot cake but it will never compare to the one her mummy makes (BIG UP JANE FULLER!)...























A sexy old friend of ours dropped by with sexy birthday wishes...




























And we gotta SAY....RIGHT BACK ATCHA LUKE!


























Oh. Shit. SYNDICATION RULES!!!
Actually, I haven't seen really old 90210 on telly in eons, and even then it was on channel 11 in French and forget that shit, channel 11 is good for one thing and one thing only...BLEU NUIT.
Thank GOD Alliy and I pooled our allowance and bought Season 1 on DVD last year. Alliy, when you get back from Thailand, it's yours for the next 6 months. I PROMISE.


Aiight, L8R GUYZ.




















P.S. I HOPE YOU ALL GET LAID!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

MOI AUSSI, JE SUIS CAPABLE!

HIYA KIDS! I have this thing I call a deadline which is 10:18 pm because that's when my stolen internet connection tells me to fuck off, time and time again. Yesterday, it was even more asshole-ish than usual and made me walk the plank at like 10:09. So when I say YESTERDAY, I mean TWO DAYS AGO and when I say TODAY, I mean YESTERDAY. Other than that, it makes lots of sense I think.





















Alright let's get pumped.


WHASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??!?!?!?!?!?!


...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!?!?!?!




...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!??!





WHOA.

Yesterday was a day of eery coincidences.



On my way to school, I was walking along Prince Arthur. Just past Clark before St. Urbain I happened to look down, and what to my wondering eyes should appear? GHANDI. Well a black and white print of him, obviously old but relatively fresh in its cellophane. This was strange because I was on my way to South-Asian Literature, in which we are discussing Ghandi at length! It is also cool that I found it there because it is just past the Indian restaurant that Caroline and I went to for ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET LUNCH about a year ago. Unfortunately, this restaurant has recently closed. It wasn't THAT great but it was cute and I know that it used to be a dépanneur that had home-made samosas and then eventually turned into a restaurant. So it's sort of sad. I have yet to go to the MAHARAJA on René-Levesque. It is supposedly the BIGGEST ALL YOU CAN EAT INDIAN BUFFET IN NORTH AMERICA. I predict it will be not very good. But I've been talking about going there sometime for over a year so maybe it will never happen and I won't have to be disappointed. The Indian restaurant on Prince Arthur between de Bullion and Hotel-de-Ville is quite tasty and reasonably priced and the owner will always cut you a deal if he thinks you aren't eating enough and throw in extra onion bhaji. But maybe that's just because my sister is cute and I am cute and all my friends I go there with are cute. He gave me his card...after I told him I had eaten there two days in a row but that he didn't know the first time because we got take-out.



















Then later, when I called Katie and Jenna because I love them, they HAPPENED to be at a coffee shop RIGHT around the corner from me. Well pretty much. Café Suprème. I said "SUP GUYS, why are you HERE?" (because every time I am there, someone I am with says THIS isn't a CAPPUCINO or something to that effect). And Katie was like I don't know, it's laid-back, they don't care. Like you can pick your nose if you want and they won't judge you like they will at 2nd CUP. Or you can go there to do homework and instead watch That 70s Show on mute....which is ideal. I was all "Aiight whatever you guys, what should I get?" And Katie told me to get some double chocolate mocha iced coffee thing and I went on about okay but is it blended because I don't want no $2.99 shit liquid drink and I got it and it was BASICALLY CHOCOLATE MILK eventhough I saw him do something with ice and a blender. Don't get me wrong, I love chocolate milk (not as much as Hilary), but if I wanted chocolate milk I would order one....and I was like "Hey Katie, this is chocolate milk, I thought you said-" and she was all "Well I tried to TELL you but something came up". I think it was a TXT MSG. Whatever, I shouldn't complain because I forgot my wallet and Jenna and Katie bought me my chocolate milk and oatmeal cookie. Thanks guys!


Then we were taking a breather outside and I happened to look at a cab just as this guy I went to high school with looked out of it. He doesn't live here! They got out, three lads from Ottawa that were here for a concert and were like WHERE'S GO-GO LOUNGE?? And I was like COME TO KOROVA WITH ME INSTEAD! Because...


PLUG 1:


Korova is almost always fun, especially on Tuesdays when the Nicks and the tall Mike play. We went in and there were about 8 people which was fine with me but I guess they wanted to fuck and flirt or something (they were wearing dress shirts and clean jeans) because they bounced without saying goodbye when I was just saying my hellos! First they paid for my Jack & Coke though, which was stellar since I didn't have my wallet anyway...


Alright so, those Tuesday Korova boys are definitely alright for the following reasons:


A) When I arrived, I was welcomed with September by Earth, Wind and Fire, which was so kind and thoughtful and great because I am the corniest human alive.


Here's a dope remix of jam that's basically Hit Me Baby One More Time meets Harajuku Girls so you can't really go wrong.


2) This was unintentional on their part, but when Darcy and I sat down with our beers, Joy Division came on which was perfect because we got to peel our labels off while feeling corny about when we first moved in together back in the day and Darcy was heavy into Basquiat and lent me the soundtrack.















aaaand C) After I imaginary grinddanced Katie with my eyes to some hot R&B, I was like YO SERVE ME UP SOME DANCE JAMS before I leave we've got 6 minutes and I got Haddaway's What is Love? which is always fun as long as no one does that WRETCHED DANCE because it was only funny, like, once. The kind of people who do that wreteched dance are people who do ghetto hand signs in photos (ref: Spencer Pratt) and people who have no jokes of their own so they're always quoting Family Guy and/or God forBID...Futurama. Anyway, no one did that dance and then I got Everybody Dance Now which might seem cliché but it's so cliché that no one even plays it anymore, so when you DO hear it, it's actually pretty fun.


In conclusion, go to Korova on Tuesdays but only if you want to hang out and shake it a bit but not if you want to fuck and flirt in a dress shirt. It's called Mardi McFly which is quite clever, especially in Montreal where Tuesday is Mardi in French. Mais naturellement!


















In addition, let it be known that while Michael J. Fox did some overall seriously solid work in the year of the Ox that birthed me, more often than not, Back to the Future schools Teen Wolf in my books. That being said, I have a definite affinity for the fashions of 1955 so my opinion is sort of biased.


























Plus I hate teenagers and all things associated with them. Like dances, spirit week (I particularly loathe airbands), and of course, house parties.


That's entirely untrue.



SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE TEENAGERS!












I'll let you in on a secret. The above image? I had that poster on my wall from Christmas 1993 until mid-way through grade 5. Also, in the spring of 1994 I got 90210 shoes that were basically black Chuck Taylor high-tops with this:























Instead of this:













That's right, they RULED.




Aiight. PLUG 2:



Paul Johnston and Adam Beck of Members Only fame are leaving Montreal at the end of October so if you know what's what or you're interested in finding out, you should go to Private Eyes at Blizzarts every Monday night until they set sail. When that day comes, you will be very sad and so, you should hang out all alone in the dark in your room for 9 days straight listening to The Cure. Or listen to THIS:



And then do 20 jumping jacks and 40 push-ups in whichever order suits you best and get over it and go to Tribe Hyperclub.


Speaking of which, I hosted Tribe Hyperclub's one year anniversary on Sunday and everyone took my picture and I didn't wear panties because why would I? I mean, my skirt was 4 inches long! At LEAST.


Wait a minute. THAT WAS PARIS HILTON. Click the following link for a long and boring newsflash regarding Sunday's holy events, complete with rare footage of Heiress Paris swaying making sexy faces.


It's all in French which is cool if you need to practice and the best part is when they ask if she drank and he says "Non, seulement le Pepsi-Cola citron". Mais NATURELLEMENT!


Franchement, je pense que c'est le temps pour un autre confession.


Three or four years ago, I was unhappy with my living situation and one evening left my apartment in a quiet rage bringing nothing with me except tears of frustration. I didn't want to go back for hours so naturally, I found myself at Chapters on St. Catherine reading the recently released Confessions of an Heiress, cover to cover. It took less than hour because there are a lot of pictures. What stuck with me the most was the knowledge that I should eat sushi because "cool people do it" and the overhwhelming feeling that I should never ever have tears of frustration over my apartment because some people don't even have apartments. Some people just have mansions which are good for little more than a good game of hide and go seek and/or SARDINES. Quelle DRAG.







Needless to say, I now ingest raw fish with seaweed 3 to 4 times a week and my social calendar is OUT OF CONTROL. I'm wishing and hoping that if I harden the fuck up and ingest raw fish with seaweed maybe 5 to 6 times a week from here on in, I MIGHT be cool enough to get into CODA SPECIAL CLUB for the GRAND OPENING. At that point, I would probably just DIE because life could not get any better, even if I had unlimited free bottles of Grey Goose at Tribe Hyperclub forEVER. Sigh...seulement dans mes rêves...


Anyway, the only tell-all guidebook worth actually OWNING is this:























Which is why I bought it for my sister Hilary when she came to visit me in July. She was in a bad place and needed to figure out what fabulosity really was before she could take hold of it and call it her own.

She was wiiiiiild man....




















Reeeeeeal wiiiiiiild.....
























Eventually, she realized it was time to get out of THAT black hole and aim to be in bed before 8 am.

























And now?


She's FABULOUS!!!


















She's like, not even the same person. CONGRATUALTATIONS HILARY!


That's right, I said CONGRATUALTATIONS. If you don't get it, you obviously don't spend NEARLY enough time at Dollarama in the sticker section...


The only shitty thing that happened today was that I went to the YMCA for SOPHIE'S MUSCLE TONING CLASS and there was NO SOPHIE. There was a stranger. I was confused and left. Partly because my only crush in the class, this girl who looks like the girl in my favourite segment of Barely Legal Volume 17 except that this girl has smaller tits and a better ass-- well, she left first so it was only going to go downhill from there.


The moment I saw the stranger, I asked myself "Did I shave my legs for THIS??"


For that reason alone, this classic number from my homegirl Deana Carter really hits home, and so I crown it, the jam of the day:



And now I give you, the aforementioned...PLUG 1! And PLUG 2! With their homeboy....


PLUG 3!!!

















These boys are the steadiest BFs I've ever had and for that I thank them profusely.



I LOVE THESE BOYS MORE THAN I LOVE YOU.
Among other things, they taught me the art of self-acceptance...it's nothin but a little baby phat phat.


Warmest Regards,

NICOLA JANE YOUNG


P.S. When I was in grade 8, my A.D.D. was coming to the forefront and school was getting frustrating. My mom gave me a card that said this....


"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."


So if you're feeling in the depths of despair, don't worry. You'll work it out.


Friday, September 21, 2007

SAY THAT YOU REMEMBER...

TRUE CONFESSION OF THE DAY:

Dear CosmoGirl,

I was walking out of the McGill gates at Milton, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but THE MOST INCREDIBLE FOREARMS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Five steps ahead of me! He made the light. I didn't. But I was hooked. And I caught up. When he and his friend turned and I turned, I knew I was following him; I NEVER go that way because I'm always thinking I might see someone that I would rather not see. He was maybe 18. Maybe 19. Almost 20? Maybe?? He was wearing a grey and white t-shirt and Lacoste sneakers (whatever), a black Drop backpack, and I don't know boys jeans but I know that they were nice jeans. Not too tight, not too loose. But just loose enough that he had to pull up his pants a bit at one point and FLEX HIS MULTIPLE FOREARM VEINS OH MY GOD DO ME NOW YOUNG CHAPanyway, when they turned left at Aylmer, I couldn't go any further because then I would have been FOLLOWING following Fabio Forearms as opposed to I was going that direction anyway and I just chose the scenic side of the street...If I had had Devil's Pie with me I definitely would have put it on because that's a hot sex jam and anyone who says otherwise is a DEAF PRUDE. It was definitely the most arousing thing that has happened to me in weeks. Besides Barely Legal Volume 17 (Thanks Hans!)...
LOVE,
The Babysitters Club


As you may know, an underground club called the UN has deemed September 21st International Peace Day. I hereby propose a retrospective on one of the most prominent examples of using your celebrity for a good cause...BONO. Here he is, ladies and germs! I think he's had some work done...maybe even a sex change??













































....













































SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY INDEED!




Seriously though, I'm all for world peace. And one more try in rehab.




And now I present to you.....LINDSAY LOHAN!!!































The righteous bros of the day are Earth, Wind and Fire, one of my all-time fave bands.


September is an incredible jam, and one that everyone should make a point of listening to on this day SPECIFICALLY. If you know the words, you know what I mean, and if not GET WITH IT.




Plus it's an epic video regardless...



It's been a long time since I had some awesome love on this day, but this year, just like last year, I'm going to make cute couple friends of mine come visit me at work so then I can tell them LISTEN UP HERE IS A ROMANTIC GIFT! I don't know who I will choose...(CAITLIN MANICOM AND BEN VERDICCHIO!!!)


I AM GOING TO DIM THE LIGHTS EVEN.


BON WEEKEND!


P.S. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien was published on this day in 1937. I heard they are making a movie of it and I predict it will be HUGE. You heard it here first!


JAH BLESS.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

"THE TRUTH ISSUE" {with BONUS BODY ISSUES 4 FREE}



HOT JEANS! COOL TEES! FAB SWEATERS!





[237 LOOKS FROM MY UPCOMING FASHION VERNISSAGE]





First things first, the rumours are true.

























....






















WHOEVER SAID THAT BEING FAT IS HOT IS RIGHT.





































Which is good because I hate Sophie's Muscle Toning Class with a burning passion and never just wish it were noon the next day when I go to bed on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Not only are her exercises completely wack, especially the ab ones, her choice of music is TERRIBLE. Whoever told her that the Run Lola Run theme is a good crowd hyper needs to get a clue. I don't know what she's thinking trying to blast fat to that jam. Personally, the Run Lola Run theme makes me want to fall asleep and never have beat-me-up sex again. EVER.




Besides...
























And whoever said that guys don't care about tits that much is totally on the ball.

















No one can deny that...























And Baywatch is a terrible show. Who HASN'T had a nightmare about Yasmeen Bleeth circa 1994? EXACTLY.















Anyway, boys like funny girls who don't put out on the first night. BELIEVE ME.


More importantly, the main reason I'm leaving Montreal is that I hate poutine. I can smell it when I'm trying to sleep and it's pretty annoying. Then I have to follow my nose and file a complaint. And then I have to look at all the sober fucks at Belle Province having a terrible time. And then I go have an awesome time. With some NAYA.


















Also nachos are the worst, and they don't have those in Alaska. Thank GOD.




















NOW FOR THE YOUNG HOLLYWOOD SET! THE REAL STARS!


Reality TV is a passing fad.















Reality TV is a passing fad.



























Reality TV is a passing fad.


FASHION BLOWS.

I had a terrible horrible no good very bad time at the Swaporama at Marché Mtl this evening. I hate clothes. They don't have those in Alaska. Alaska is a very small nudist colony in Eastern Europe. Okay, I don't hate clothes, at least not soft ones made of polar fleece. I hate fashion accessories. And I would NEVER said foot in Ardène. EVER. Not for a million dollars. Not for 10 pairs of sunglasses for 10 dollars either. Definitely not. And I am not at all vain. I don't even own a mirror. I definitely don't have mirrored closets. Or a mirror beside my bed...



DANCING IS THE WORST.


OKAY, let it be known, once and for all, that the Macarena is NOT AT ALL FUN. Stop playing it at weddings. Nobody likes it. Especially not old ladies. Especially not kids. Especially not EVERYONE. Certainly not ME...






















I have never met a girl named Amna Silim who is very funny and can shake it like no other.





















The biggest truth of all is that it is NOT JULIA'S HERMON'S BIRTHDAY ON THURSDAY. Whoever made her a card is pretty stupid. Especially if he's in a band called the FROZEN EMBRYOS. What does he think he is, some kind of bad-ass rock star?? Whatever Catalano...
























Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel for the worst episode of My So-Called Life in the history of the 1994/1995 season.




WHY JORDAN CAN'T READ




Wait a minute, wasn't My So-Called Life only on for...




DON'T GET ME STARTED.




The worst episode was actually THE ZIT.




No it was the one where Jordan and Angela make out in the basement stairwell. And Hilary can not act it out word for word and she is not in love with a television character. Because that would just be silly...






I AM NOT OFF TO DEWEY DECIMAL MY WALK-IN CLOSET.




NICOLA-LEE SIMMONS.






P.S. Dr. Pepper is not a mysterious blend of 23 flavours. (Thank you Daniel Gelfer.)
And I am slowly trying to steal your boyfriend because I have zero respect for loving monogamous relationships. Speaking of WHICH, I think it's my parents anniversary today. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that?? Hmmmm...HAPPY ANNIVERSARY YOU GUYS! I HOPE YOUR ADVENTURE UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN IS BETTER THAN THAT DIANE LANE MOVIE! Diane Lane in Rumble Fish...that's another story entirely.