HIYA KIDS! I have this thing I call a deadline which is 10:18 pm because that's when my stolen internet connection tells me to fuck off, time and time again. Yesterday, it was even more asshole-ish than usual and made me walk the plank at like 10:09. So when I say YESTERDAY, I mean TWO DAYS AGO and when I say TODAY, I mean YESTERDAY. Other than that, it makes lots of sense I think.
Then later, when I called Katie and Jenna because I love them, they HAPPENED to be at a coffee shop RIGHT around the corner from me. Well pretty much. Café Suprème. I said "SUP GUYS, why are you HERE?" (because every time I am there, someone I am with says THIS isn't a CAPPUCINO or something to that effect). And Katie was like I don't know, it's laid-back, they don't care. Like you can pick your nose if you want and they won't judge you like they will at 2nd CUP. Or you can go there to do homework and instead watch That 70s Show on mute....which is ideal. I was all "Aiight whatever you guys, what should I get?" And Katie told me to get some double chocolate mocha iced coffee thing and I went on about okay but is it blended because I don't want no $2.99 shit liquid drink and I got it and it was BASICALLY CHOCOLATE MILK eventhough I saw him do something with ice and a blender. Don't get me wrong, I love chocolate milk (not as much as Hilary), but if I wanted chocolate milk I would order one....and I was like "Hey Katie, this is chocolate milk, I thought you said-" and she was all "Well I tried to TELL you but something came up". I think it was a TXT MSG. Whatever, I shouldn't complain because I forgot my wallet and Jenna and Katie bought me my chocolate milk and oatmeal cookie. Thanks guys!
aaaand C) After I imaginary grinddanced Katie with my eyes to some hot R&B, I was like YO SERVE ME UP SOME DANCE JAMS before I leave we've got 6 minutes and I got Haddaway's What is Love? which is always fun as long as no one does that WRETCHED DANCE because it was only funny, like, once. The kind of people who do that wreteched dance are people who do ghetto hand signs in photos (ref: Spencer Pratt) and people who have no jokes of their own so they're always quoting Family Guy and/or God forBID...Futurama. Anyway, no one did that dance and then I got Everybody Dance Now which might seem cliché but it's so cliché that no one even plays it anymore, so when you DO hear it, it's actually pretty fun.
Plus I hate teenagers and all things associated with them. Like dances, spirit week (I particularly loathe airbands), and of course, house parties.
Instead of this:
So if you're feeling in the depths of despair, don't worry. You'll work it out.
Alright let's get pumped.
WHASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??!?!?!?!?!?!
...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!?!?!?!
...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!??!
WHOA.
Yesterday was a day of eery coincidences.
Yesterday was a day of eery coincidences.
On my way to school, I was walking along Prince Arthur. Just past Clark before St. Urbain I happened to look down, and what to my wondering eyes should appear? GHANDI. Well a black and white print of him, obviously old but relatively fresh in its cellophane. This was strange because I was on my way to South-Asian Literature, in which we are discussing Ghandi at length! It is also cool that I found it there because it is just past the Indian restaurant that Caroline and I went to for ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET LUNCH about a year ago. Unfortunately, this restaurant has recently closed. It wasn't THAT great but it was cute and I know that it used to be a dépanneur that had home-made samosas and then eventually turned into a restaurant. So it's sort of sad. I have yet to go to the MAHARAJA on René-Levesque. It is supposedly the BIGGEST ALL YOU CAN EAT INDIAN BUFFET IN NORTH AMERICA. I predict it will be not very good. But I've been talking about going there sometime for over a year so maybe it will never happen and I won't have to be disappointed. The Indian restaurant on Prince Arthur between de Bullion and Hotel-de-Ville is quite tasty and reasonably priced and the owner will always cut you a deal if he thinks you aren't eating enough and throw in extra onion bhaji. But maybe that's just because my sister is cute and I am cute and all my friends I go there with are cute. He gave me his card...after I told him I had eaten there two days in a row but that he didn't know the first time because we got take-out.
Then later, when I called Katie and Jenna because I love them, they HAPPENED to be at a coffee shop RIGHT around the corner from me. Well pretty much. Café Suprème. I said "SUP GUYS, why are you HERE?" (because every time I am there, someone I am with says THIS isn't a CAPPUCINO or something to that effect). And Katie was like I don't know, it's laid-back, they don't care. Like you can pick your nose if you want and they won't judge you like they will at 2nd CUP. Or you can go there to do homework and instead watch That 70s Show on mute....which is ideal. I was all "Aiight whatever you guys, what should I get?" And Katie told me to get some double chocolate mocha iced coffee thing and I went on about okay but is it blended because I don't want no $2.99 shit liquid drink and I got it and it was BASICALLY CHOCOLATE MILK eventhough I saw him do something with ice and a blender. Don't get me wrong, I love chocolate milk (not as much as Hilary), but if I wanted chocolate milk I would order one....and I was like "Hey Katie, this is chocolate milk, I thought you said-" and she was all "Well I tried to TELL you but something came up". I think it was a TXT MSG. Whatever, I shouldn't complain because I forgot my wallet and Jenna and Katie bought me my chocolate milk and oatmeal cookie. Thanks guys!
Then we were taking a breather outside and I happened to look at a cab just as this guy I went to high school with looked out of it. He doesn't live here! They got out, three lads from Ottawa that were here for a concert and were like WHERE'S GO-GO LOUNGE?? And I was like COME TO KOROVA WITH ME INSTEAD! Because...
PLUG 1:
Korova is almost always fun, especially on Tuesdays when the Nicks and the tall Mike play. We went in and there were about 8 people which was fine with me but I guess they wanted to fuck and flirt or something (they were wearing dress shirts and clean jeans) because they bounced without saying goodbye when I was just saying my hellos! First they paid for my Jack & Coke though, which was stellar since I didn't have my wallet anyway...
Alright so, those Tuesday Korova boys are definitely alright for the following reasons:
A) When I arrived, I was welcomed with September by Earth, Wind and Fire, which was so kind and thoughtful and great because I am the corniest human alive.
Here's a dope remix of jam that's basically Hit Me Baby One More Time meets Harajuku Girls so you can't really go wrong.
2) This was unintentional on their part, but when Darcy and I sat down with our beers, Joy Division came on which was perfect because we got to peel our labels off while feeling corny about when we first moved in together back in the day and Darcy was heavy into Basquiat and lent me the soundtrack.
aaaand C) After I imaginary grinddanced Katie with my eyes to some hot R&B, I was like YO SERVE ME UP SOME DANCE JAMS before I leave we've got 6 minutes and I got Haddaway's What is Love? which is always fun as long as no one does that WRETCHED DANCE because it was only funny, like, once. The kind of people who do that wreteched dance are people who do ghetto hand signs in photos (ref: Spencer Pratt) and people who have no jokes of their own so they're always quoting Family Guy and/or God forBID...Futurama. Anyway, no one did that dance and then I got Everybody Dance Now which might seem cliché but it's so cliché that no one even plays it anymore, so when you DO hear it, it's actually pretty fun.
In conclusion, go to Korova on Tuesdays but only if you want to hang out and shake it a bit but not if you want to fuck and flirt in a dress shirt. It's called Mardi McFly which is quite clever, especially in Montreal where Tuesday is Mardi in French. Mais naturellement!
In addition, let it be known that while Michael J. Fox did some overall seriously solid work in the year of the Ox that birthed me, more often than not, Back to the Future schools Teen Wolf in my books. That being said, I have a definite affinity for the fashions of 1955 so my opinion is sort of biased.
Plus I hate teenagers and all things associated with them. Like dances, spirit week (I particularly loathe airbands), and of course, house parties.
That's entirely untrue.
SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE TEENAGERS!
I'll let you in on a secret. The above image? I had that poster on my wall from Christmas 1993 until mid-way through grade 5. Also, in the spring of 1994 I got 90210 shoes that were basically black Chuck Taylor high-tops with this:
Instead of this:
That's right, they RULED.
Aiight. PLUG 2:
Paul Johnston and Adam Beck of Members Only fame are leaving Montreal at the end of October so if you know what's what or you're interested in finding out, you should go to Private Eyes at Blizzarts every Monday night until they set sail. When that day comes, you will be very sad and so, you should hang out all alone in the dark in your room for 9 days straight listening to The Cure. Or listen to THIS:
And then do 20 jumping jacks and 40 push-ups in whichever order suits you best and get over it and go to Tribe Hyperclub.
Speaking of which, I hosted Tribe Hyperclub's one year anniversary on Sunday and everyone took my picture and I didn't wear panties because why would I? I mean, my skirt was 4 inches long! At LEAST.
Wait a minute. THAT WAS PARIS HILTON. Click the following link for a long and boring newsflash regarding Sunday's holy events, complete with rare footage of Heiress Paris swaying making sexy faces.
It's all in French which is cool if you need to practice and the best part is when they ask if she drank and he says "Non, seulement le Pepsi-Cola citron". Mais NATURELLEMENT!
Franchement, je pense que c'est le temps pour un autre confession.
Three or four years ago, I was unhappy with my living situation and one evening left my apartment in a quiet rage bringing nothing with me except tears of frustration. I didn't want to go back for hours so naturally, I found myself at Chapters on St. Catherine reading the recently released Confessions of an Heiress, cover to cover. It took less than hour because there are a lot of pictures. What stuck with me the most was the knowledge that I should eat sushi because "cool people do it" and the overhwhelming feeling that I should never ever have tears of frustration over my apartment because some people don't even have apartments. Some people just have mansions which are good for little more than a good game of hide and go seek and/or SARDINES. Quelle DRAG.
Needless to say, I now ingest raw fish with seaweed 3 to 4 times a week and my social calendar is OUT OF CONTROL. I'm wishing and hoping that if I harden the fuck up and ingest raw fish with seaweed maybe 5 to 6 times a week from here on in, I MIGHT be cool enough to get into CODA SPECIAL CLUB for the GRAND OPENING. At that point, I would probably just DIE because life could not get any better, even if I had unlimited free bottles of Grey Goose at Tribe Hyperclub forEVER. Sigh...seulement dans mes rêves...
Anyway, the only tell-all guidebook worth actually OWNING is this:
Which is why I bought it for my sister Hilary when she came to visit me in July. She was in a bad place and needed to figure out what fabulosity really was before she could take hold of it and call it her own.
She was wiiiiiild man....
Reeeeeeal wiiiiiiild.....
Eventually, she realized it was time to get out of THAT black hole and aim to be in bed before 8 am.
And now?
She's FABULOUS!!!
She's like, not even the same person. CONGRATUALTATIONS HILARY!
That's right, I said CONGRATUALTATIONS. If you don't get it, you obviously don't spend NEARLY enough time at Dollarama in the sticker section...
The only shitty thing that happened today was that I went to the YMCA for SOPHIE'S MUSCLE TONING CLASS and there was NO SOPHIE. There was a stranger. I was confused and left. Partly because my only crush in the class, this girl who looks like the girl in my favourite segment of Barely Legal Volume 17 except that this girl has smaller tits and a better ass-- well, she left first so it was only going to go downhill from there.
The moment I saw the stranger, I asked myself "Did I shave my legs for THIS??"
For that reason alone, this classic number from my homegirl Deana Carter really hits home, and so I crown it, the jam of the day:
And now I give you, the aforementioned...PLUG 1! And PLUG 2! With their homeboy....
PLUG 3!!!
These boys are the steadiest BFs I've ever had and for that I thank them profusely.
I LOVE THESE BOYS MORE THAN I LOVE YOU.
Among other things, they taught me the art of self-acceptance...it's nothin but a little baby phat phat.
Warmest Regards,
NICOLA JANE YOUNG
P.S. When I was in grade 8, my A.D.D. was coming to the forefront and school was getting frustrating. My mom gave me a card that said this....
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."
So if you're feeling in the depths of despair, don't worry. You'll work it out.
2 comments:
NICOLA? AREN'T YOU EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS? sup.
sometimes, you just gotta sit down and be like sup.
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT ME AND THE BUS SHELTER. IT'S NOT A JOKE. IT'S GOING DOWN. SCORPION STING THAT ASS. PUT YOUR KNEES UP. PUT YOUR KNEES UP.
Hey! I was also born in the year of the ox. *sigh* Just not the same ox.
Zut alors!
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