WITH IT: part deux

GUTEN MORGEN MEIN KINDER. CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE...but first go get your GED.

The following was penned in the wee hours of September 6th...because I'm real traditional. I write with a pen and paper. At java u ! Twas early in the morning though, I know this much is true.

A big FUCK YOU goes out to the bitchy hippy who sold me that TAPE DECK THAT DOESN’T WORK at the “GREEN” garage sale last week downtown by 3 Amigos (how was 3 Amigos voted the NUMBER ONE Mexican restaurant in that Mirror poll in the spring?? How was Carlos & Pepes voted NUMBER TWO?? Both serve…WACK EATS. More on that later…)

Right so, LISTEN UP LINEN-PANTS, you’re LAME. You need to face the fact that you’re a fraud, your daddy owns the Bellagio, the Carribean AND the world wide web. You think I can’t see that your Angelina Jolie Gone in 60 Seconds dreads are just that?? ANGELINA JOLIE GONE IN 60 SECONDS DREADS (a sorry excuse for a bad-ass hair-do)…I BET YOU MADE THEM WITH SEBASTIAN MOLDING MUD aaaaaand YOU BOUGHT IT AT FULL PRICE. Look, I know you want yer pops to LISTEN UP AND GIVE A SHIT but no matter how hard you pound on the djembe he WON’T. He owns a CASINO for chrissakes! Five dollars was pushing it, even if it DID work. I mean, let’s be realistic here, it wasn’t even a double-tape deck.

A big WAIT A MINUTE goes out to anyone who’s like HOLD UP WHAT’S YOUR BEEF WITH AFRICAN DRUMMING?? No beef. Straight up. Don’t really dig tam-tams, don’t really smoke the pot…but that’s all aiight if that’s what makes you feel aiight…feel me?? My dad’s way into that shit. He has 3 drums. Righteous dude. I actually did drumming every Saturday morning with him at the OTTAWA FOLKLORE CENTRE on BANK STREET in Ottawa in grade 10. TRUE STORY.

In regards to Mexican cuisine, go to Lola Rosa on Milton because that place is cute and the owners are nice and have FrenchfromFrance accents. This dude who used to work at 3 Amigos, he told ME that that 3 Amigos and Carlos and Pepes are owned by the same peeps, so there you have it folks. Margarita happy hour and 365 days a year of Christmas lights can’t buy you my respect. It’s called CONSPIRACY THEORY and it stars Mel Gibson* and Julia Roberts*. They bought those number one spots.

[*names have been changed to protect the feelings of the owners of 3 Amigos and Carlos and Pepes…did I mention they have WACK EATS???]

Kind of like how Lindsay Lohan was SUPPOSEDLY voted NUMBER ONE in Maxim’s HOT 100 this year. Seriously?? I mean, I’m over Scarlett too and I’d be actually be superdown to rave with Lindsay and the Ronsons this weekend but I don’t know, I mean I found it sort of mind-boggling…because well, Lindsay normally looks a bit under the weather in photos. Maybe she’s alright to jerk of to…better than Jenna Jamieson these days that’s fer DAMN SURE. Seen her?? Shiiiiiiiiit… (Turn to PG Number end of blog to go down on Jenna Jamieson.)

Back to Mexican cuisine… Chanelling a hetero lad with an ounce of human decency, I might, I don’t know, opt out of feeding Lindsay Lohan my HOT 100 love pipe, and maybe just feed her to a taxi cab en route to Utah. (UH-gain). I think Lindsay’s alright, just misunderstood. And I think that hetero lads who read Maxim do have human decency…more-so than the middle-agers hiding Barely Legal in their briefcases and taking the less-populated metro lines to work in a total detour to avoid running into anyone they know well they get up on thangs…PERV thangs. Feel me?? Fact of the matter is, I don’t think Lindsay deserved all the flack she got for that bright stripey dress she wore to the Maxim Hot 100 jam last spring. That dress was flippin’ DOPE and hey, I’d probably buy myself the #1 spot in the HOT 100 if I could stop blowing my allowance on the latest from Trident. Blueberry Pomegranate.

Trident Blueberry Pomegranate [SUPERPAK]. That’s shit’s AIIGHT. Really. My temples hurt though…I need to cut down to maybe 9 pieces a day from my standard 14. Because I get these spasms where I bite my cheek in the same place REALLY HARD and then I develop a chancre and it BLOWS. It will be hard though, because as aforementioned I’m flippin’ BFF with aspartame. I watched this flick last week when I was hanging with my mom in Ottawa called Candy with Heath Ledger and Abbie Cornish (the saucy minx that may or may not have fucked up Reese and Ryan’s marriage in 2006). It’s Australian, pretty decent and really sad. The old guy who seemed to have his shit together said near the beginning “When you can stop, you don’t want to. And when you want to stop, you can’t.” This was in regards to heroin. I guess Trident Blueberry Pomegranate isn’t REALLY a gateway drug….Seriously though, that line made me go “WELL shit…” and I couldn’t think of any other way to segue into the UNDERLYING MESSAGE OF MEIN BLOGENSHTEIN. That being, DON’T DO HEROIN. Okay, maybe on weekends and/or before that boring 4 hour lecture…no but really…JUST DON’T DO IT. Because the old guy who was so insightful OD’d in the end. Didn’t have his shit together afterall. And you won’t either. Also, steer clear of crack, look what happened to Whitney Houston!

You see mein kinder...

And THEN...

You lose your marbles. And your teeth if you do meth! BONUS!

I’m not sure if it’s a problem but I don’t like sleeping. I think it’s a waste of time. I’ve gone to bed at 6 the past 3 nights and I wake up at 9 like LET’S GO! And I could go back to sleep but it’s like FUHGEDDABOUTIT, right?!! So I don’t sleep but I definitely have time to. Because as aforementioned in NEXT SHIT from Volume 1, MY FALL SCHEDULE AT CONCORDIA UNIVERSITY DEFINITELY RULES. I think that everyone would want it to be honest. If my schedule were a Top 40 jam it would be the NUMBER ONE RING TONE.

Is it still The Way I Are?? I don’t like that song. I really don’t like it. It’s like Timbaland, I know you’re dope and I know you made up what I think of as JT NOISES to drop in summer oh-six but maybe you should have saved them for yourself…because that shit is tired. But that’s just me. And I get bored VERY EASILY.

Enough about number ones let’s talk about NUMBER 2s.

What’s normal??

I normally clock out at 3 to 5 times a day on average.

What’s normal??

Talk amongst yourselves.

Don’t be SHY! EVERYBODY POOPS! Sometimes…

In conclusion, breaking up is hard to do, as is refilling the ice-cube tray and watering the herb garden (sorry Dad!).

PEACE & LOVE & GO SEE THE BRATZ FEATURE FILM,

NICOLA JANE YOUNG

P.S. I don’t have anything against dreadlocks really, I think they’re kind of hot actually if you have the perfect forearms with with perfect bulging veins and perfect non-denominational forearm tattoos…and you take regular showers…as opposed to just using Axe body spray before you go meet your crush for a cherry coke…bommchickawahWHATEVER. Aaaand aerosol is bad for the Earth! [That being said, I admit to canoodling with super-duper serious hairspray in the past…and perhaps I’ve sauntered down to the netherHOLDUP! I’ve known a lad or two who liked to play with spray-paint, we’ll leave it at that. And go on to say that it POISONS THEIR BRAINS.]

RED-HOT BONUS TIP 4 ALL YOU GUYS OUT 2 TANTALIZE: I’ve recently discovered that Issey Miyake makes a raaather aROUSING scent for males. TAKE NOTE. Best of luck. And don’t be silly, wrap your willy. No DUHHHH!!!!

P.P.S. 6:15 am. I had a late dinner date with Hillary with two ells and was home by midnight. My social contact after that besides a telephone conversation with Hilary with one ell and one with King Hans Zimnoch has included…this was glorious actually, I was outside around 5 am and I saw a MORNING GLORY. They only bloom in the morning. Now at 6:15 am it has CLOSED. How romantic…a morning glory juste pour moi.

Then there is ummm there’s this cat in my hood that wants to be my friend, I won’t get into the history of it now but basically I saw the ol’ bugger around 5, first through my window then when I was outside. He would come close and then run away and then peer out at me from under cars like “Hiiiiiiiii!” and then bounce. But at 6 I was like yo sup do you want to chill, come on in. And he did. As he has done on 2 other occasions. But I guess he’s tired too because he went in my room (I took a few pictures of him with the shitty disposable camera Jenna got me at Dollarama for my birthday. IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS/IT HAS NO FLASH.) and ummm he went under my bed and he hasn’t come out in nearly 20 minutes. So I guess he’s taking a nap in my extra bed-linens which is great because I’m actually allergic to cats. Jesus, I must be lonely at this ungodly hour because did I mention I’m allergic to cats?? OH! And when I was outside a few minutes ago this big black van drives by and stops in front of my crib, like the kind that kidnaps people (except not WHITE because we all know THAT wasn’t bullshit.) and this scary woman like (CAT BESIDE ME NOW UNDER MY DESK…I think I’ll name him Salamander…) so this scary woman like straight out of The Goonies opens the door and yells to the other people inside THIRTY-EIGHT OH FIVE* (*precise address has been changed because I don’t want to get kidnapped by anyone reading this), slams the door and then ZOOMS off. WTF?! So just in case you see me on a milk carton, the van was BLACK. I feel like it might have been dark blue though. Shiiiiiiiiit…WHERE DID SALAMANDER RUN OFF TO?? Oh the other morning bonus is that there has been a bumble bee in my apartment for ohhhh we’ll say 2 hours?? Also wants to party I guess. I guess these guys didn’t get the memo that my BFF is ACTUALLY aspartame. (Not really, it’s actually Hilary Elizabeth Young.) I think I’m going to have to kick out Salamander. I’m not ready for this kind of commitment. As aforementioned, I get bored VERY easily.

I AM OFFICIALLY AN INSOMNIAC/HEARTBREAKER OF THE DAY.

And I wish that my flakey fish internet signal would kick in so that I could get some Jenna Jamieson beach shots to jizz all over with my MS paint spray paint can. It’s eco-friendly. Non-aerosol (Mother I am learning).

OVER AND OUT.

Just occurred to me that I don’t know that cat well enough to know whether or not he was double-dog dared to come in and take a pee under my bed. Heeeeeere’s HOPING!