Tuesday, November 24, 2009

PARIS HILTON 4 CARL'S JUNIOR BURGER!!

Just looked up Juergen Teller's book of Marc Jacobs Advertising (1998-2009) on Amazon and came across something...hilarious??

It's listed as costing $999.99!!! Is this some kind of sick joke?! Yeah, it's a hardcover but NO! UNACCEPTABLE!

Here's Harmony Korine eating a burger.



















For the life of me (okay, I haven't tried that hard) I can't find what I really wanted to show you, which was the ad where he's praying in his bedroom with all this fun stuff kicking around and covering the walls.

Maybe I'll take a picture of it if I can make my camera work...

Anyway, if you know the ad and you've hung out in my bedroom, you know why they relate.

It all comes back to the WUNDERKAMMER!



























This is something I learned about in UNIVERSITY! It means "CABINET OF WONDERS" or "CABINET OF CURIOSITIES"!!

I was so happy when I heard about it as the idea perfectly embodies my style of decor. Also, I like the sound of German, which is why I speak in a German accent relatively often.

I need to get my camera working so I can explain??

Monday, November 23, 2009

BRUCE LEE SHIT.

I has too much homework to do anything but have you listen to this song I love.


As well as this song I love. I fell in love with this band and the lead singer (god damn you half-Japanese girls) this past spring.


This is from their latest album, Machine Dreams which didn't come out until late August so in April I was all listen hard at the 27:41 mark 'n shit to hear this song I love, referring to Gilles Peterson's BBC Radio 1 show that week. (As far as I'm concerned, The Gilles Peterson show is never not worth a listen.) Perhaps they are on Team Lars Ulrich, as this is taken from the same show; you can hear Gilles Peterson at the beginning. As aforementioned, Gilles Peterson can invite me over at 2 in the morning to drink red wine and listen to records anytime. It might be something like my non-sexual entanglement with Nicolas Cage. I like the sound of his voice and would like him to talk me to sleep.

Go on, check out Little Dragon because they are supercool and so are you.

Toddla-T has been helping me clean my room for half a year I'd say and so his set from Radio 1's In New DJs We Trust this week might help you clean yours too. Lucky for me, my room is not clean yet.

Friday, November 20, 2009

YOU SAY PARTY, WE SAY PAM ANDERSON!

Now I don't know about you guys, but I love the idea of Pam Anderson and Vivienne Westwood hanging out.









































































If I'm supposed to know who the dude in these ads is, sorry, I have no idea. Vince Gallo's way less sexy little brother??

Have you ever heard of The Dinner Party by Judy Chicago?? I've started a list in my head of bomb honeys for a modern day version of a really fun time.

I want a dinner party with Pam Anderson, Peaches, Vivienne Westwood, Amanda Blank, Alanis Morissette, Betsey Johnson, Miranda July...that's it for now. (I guess Shannen Doherty can come too.)

Meanwhile, back in the T-Dizz, Katie and I are going to an art exhibit this afternoon at Mercer Union Centre for Contemporary Art called WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM: Print Ads and TV Spot by Artists.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

LET'S GET OVER IT.

Have you ever found yourself in bed with a ginger named Gus, whose last name you don't know and who in the daylight, you're pretty sure you're allergic to??






















I'm hanging in my girl Katie's bed in reasonably cute underwears and all he can do is snore.

He's her neighbour's cat and apparently he's welcome. I think he's
a bit too at home but it's not really my place to say so. Plus, I kind of like his purring.

I'm taking a mini-break in Toronto right now, doing crazy things like wearing dresses and make-up and straightening my hair.

Last night I went to see Peaches at the Phoenix Amphitheatre with my long-losty Allison. We'd both lost our Peaches v-card in 2006 (she in Rome, I in Montreal) and had been waiting for this moment ever since. I had initially planned this voyage to see the show with Katie, but Katie ended up having to work, so I had to make do with Allison. Quelle delight...

Amanda Blank opened and I'd heard some of her new shit but mostly knew her through my B-MORE GUTTER MUSIC era, back when I used to stay up late and wear pink wigs. Her set was awesome, Allison and I were superstoked on it. Such a genuine performer, interactive with the audience and clearly having tons of fun and smiling for real and also, her love and excitement for Peaches was really cool/cute/fresh.

Peaches did not disappoint. She makes Lady Gag-me look like a Care Bear. Hooray for Peaches! There was a ridiculous amount of hair on the stage, some juicy sexy bodies shaking it, a halfway decent shower scene, welcomed laser beams, and a flashy-flashy clit light that was pretty hilarious. We forgave her for the lack of Lovertits in that she rocked it so hard that she threw up onstage. If this was planned, Jesus H. Christ, and if it wasn't, HOLY FUCKING AWESOME! It's funny how for some peeps, yarking onstage and spitting it on your audience would be a totally taboo career turmoil welcomer of epic proportions. For this honey, baby it ain't shit.






















WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

There was no gigantornormous prop cock at this show which is okay, because last time I saw that, I had a scary dream that all the tween boys from 3 Ninjas were jerking eachother off and they had big man penises eventhough they were like, 9, 11, and 13. You can't make that shit up. JESUS.

I think that my friend Tasha Taylor aka T-Cup should open for them some day because she's awesome. Peep her colourful world at www.myspace.com/tcupyo.

This is T-Cup's Condom Song video and I like it.


We went to the afterparty at a place called The Social that I kept pretentiously calling Le Sociale by accident (there's a Le Sociale in Montreal). Before that I bought some sour jujubes, which I had been telling Katie earlier are seriously hard to come by. I should have stocked up, I'm such a fucking moron. So we had fun shaking it to the sounds of the once Montreal-based DJ Huggs, who now calls Los Angeles...Smell-ay?? Just joking. Juicy Couture smells great!

Tonight I'm going to see Tennessee Williams' Summer and Smoke with my friend Monica. So far, my mini-break is most excellent.

Monday, November 16, 2009

MOVE IT, SHORT STUFF.

Last night I went to see Quench Your Thirst For Spots, the 56th edition of the Cannes Lions International Advertising Film Festival. It's playing at Cinema du Parc until the 28th so you should definitely go.

One of my favourites ties in with something very cool happening tonight in Montreal, the Worldwide Short Film Festival, which is free at 7pm at Cinema du Parc. I have to work tonight so I can't go but you should.


I know how you feel, brother.

Here we go...

This is funny and heartwarming. I love it.


I liked this ad for the most beautiful version of Donna Summer's I Feel Love ever. It was also really pretty to watch. It was not meant to be funny at all and it wasn't until the very end that it was. You'll see... Or maybe you won't because no one else in the packed theatre laughed except me.



What were they thinking with that VOICE?! Gag me with a spoon, my GAWD. It's the sort of voice that says things like "The Hills. Tuesdays at 8 on MTV." It belongs to the kind of girl whose boyfriend drives a white SUV with diamond studs in his ears. He always honks the horn when he comes to pick her up and he's never opened a door for her in his life. Did I mention he wears sunglasses at night?

That said, I'm sure it smells delicious. And it was directed by Chris Cunningham, who did Aphex Twin's Windowlicker video, which is one of the most off the wall coolest videos ever plus the song totally rules.


This one is funny for sure, especially because it reminded me of myself. Three out of four times I try to answer our phone, I have this problem. I'm not joking. I'm not an idiot. But this really happens to me.


This one was a major crowdpleaser.


I came across a followup ad from Heineken that's a bit funny too, and one from Bavaria that is also a bit funny. But you can go find them yourself.

I normally get grossed out with Pizza Pops ads but I liked this one.


This is not laugh out loud funny but great work, you guys.


A 1 second ad can really pack a punch.


For the backstory, go to 1secondad.com and watch the WAREHOUSE video.

Another very cool (I think it's free) thing happening in Montreal tonight that I am really sorry to miss is a talk with photographer Gabor Szilasi put on by the Montreal Camera Club. I hadn't heard of him until recently, when my mom sent me this picture in the mail that she got at his exhibit, The Eloquence of the Everyday, showing at the Canadian Museum of Contemporary Photography in Ottawa until January. You have to click on it to see the whole thing.


















It now hangs behind my bed very close to my head, which is where I like to have dreamy pictures that might inspire cool dreams. I like to listen to this song and pretend I am the girl on the backseat. You should try it, I always have a great time.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

YIPPIEKAYAY, MF.

Don't you hate when Soul for Real jams are all "embedding disabled by request" and shit?? UGH. It's always the most has-been peeps that are on Team Lars Ulrich.

This is where I connect you to the Candy Rain video.

It's around this time that you might ask yourself, "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" and soon find out via wikipedia that...

"On February 25, 2009, group member Brian Dalyrimple was arrested in Charlotte, North Carolina on charges of identity theft. Prior to his arrest, Dalyrimple allegedly took his 10-month-old son from his grandmother's home and fled to a friend's home in Charlotte. Police were given a tip which led to his arrest. Dalyrimple, along with his son's mother, are accused of orchestrating financial thefts from over 200 victims in the Duluth, Georgia area and other jurisdictions."

If you don't know, now you know.

On an even darker note, I saw Antichrist on Friday and haven't slept since.

Seriously?? Well bees and gees, there's been so much talk surrounding it that I was expecting the worst of the worst of the worst, and it wasn't as bad as I expected. My friend Karen though, walked out in revulsion and never came back. When Liane and I later met her with her coat we were informed that we will never get to pick a movie ever again ever.

The preview is not a good primer by any means. It doesn't show the wacky shit, so watch out. If you don't care to see, say, genital mutilation and the battery of helpless animals in the midst of a deep dark forest, then this ain't for you, kid. It's not something I can ruin by explaining because it's not something I can explain. (P.S. If you haven't seen The Sixth Sense, I'm glad to tell you that Bruce Willis is actually a ghost. He's dead but he doesn't know it. Now you know!)



























As I was saying, such is the whateverthefuck of Lars von Trier. I had seen one of this movies before, The Idiots, wherein (if memory serves correctly) a bunch of Danish peeps pretend to be mentally retarded and have lots of sex with eachother and make scenes in public places and are totally totally bonkers. It was sort of okay.















If you want to see Willem Dafoe's manhood in action, this must be the place. I wonder how much you get paid to fuck in an art film. Probably less than the Green Goblin's stunt double's stunt double. If you want to beat up Damien Hirst on a regular basis, you'll probably want to beat up Lars von Trier.

























The funniest part of the movie was when I sneezed and Karen said "gazunteit". It was also a bit funny when I found myself thinking about how the last time I cried real tears from an opening sequence, was the The Lion King on Broadway (but actually in Toronto in the year 2000.) This video is not going to help you understand how incredible the beginning of The Lion King is but here you go.


Antichrist opens with a black and white slow motion shower to bathroom counter sex scene set to a Handel aria, and just as Charlotte Gainsbourg hits a high note, their baby, who we've watched make his way out of his crib and across the room and onto a chair and onto a dresser as they're making their way to climax...he tumbles out the window with his little teddy into a snowy night and it's ABSOLUTELY HEARTWRENCHING. And sorry to say it, it's beautiful. And I love to hate on how a dead shark hanging out in formaldehyde has come to be worth millions as much as the next guy. That said, I think Damien Hirst's unicorn is kind of funny, actually.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

TELL ME WHAT YOU SAW.

Last Friday marked the beginning of My Very Own Documentary Film Fest. I spent 6 out of 24 hours sitting in the dark at Cinema du Parc and it just so happened that every movie I saw was in the same theatre so I always sat in the same seat in the back left-hand corner all by myself, and that felt good.

First I saw Art & Copy. Not great. A friend of mine had told me it was supersweet but I was disappointed. Part of me wishes that was all I'd heard of it going in but I happened upon Matthew Hayes' not too stoked review in the Mirror first, wherein he described the film as something like a drawn out blow job to the advertising industry, completely lacking in critical perspective. I have to agree, it was pretty one dimensional. It was basically some big deals going over what made them big deals.


Thinking about the blowjob comment, I conjured up the unfortunate image of James Cameron giving himself a handjob. "I made Titanic! I made Titanic! People thought it wouldn't fly but I made Titanic! Everyone saw Titanic! I made Titanic! I'm a legend! Oh fuck, I'm gonna COME!"

















That said, it was fun to learn the roots of some big campaigns that totally invaded my childhood. Nike's JUST DO IT, for example, was inspired by the overzealous last words of a death row inmate..."Let's do it!"

The meant to be heartwarming parts following a guy who puts up billboards for a living were pretty hey nice try bud. He's a construction worker, don't pretend he's your friend.

Enlighten Up!
was the one that had me most stoked. "A Skeptic's Journey into the World of Yoga..." It's not just because I love yoga and would be lost without it that I loved this movie. And it ain't no BJ. Those of you who are amused by my taking yoga seriously (you know who you are...) might be pleased to know that the skeptic does not become one with Ghandi by year's end. Whatever you guys, I bet you five dollars you'll enjoy it. And the skeptic is a pretty cute Patrick Dempsey for the woman that doesn't get the whole Patrick Dempsey craze.



The other documentary I saw was Hommes à Louer, about Montreal men working in the sex trade. It was just interviews the whole way through, 143 minutes of the director behind the camera asking questions. Not that it wasn't interesting to hear about a side of life I knew nothing about, it was just too much sadness for too long. Like The Wrestler. Holy shit, that guy just can't catch a break. Sad from start to finish. Little to no hope. It's worth seeing though, especially if you live in or know Montreal as it's pretty hard-hitting to realize the shit that happens SO CLOSE TO YOU. Some of them are teenagers, most are under 25. ALL are addicted to crack. Duh I guess, but it still makes you want to cry. Final thought? Rent it so you can take a cupcake break. Heavy shit, be forewarned.













On a lighter note, don't these cupcakes remind you of that really fun game where you catch the fish??
















Aiight, after all them docs, I invited my friend Ayan to go see Les Beaux Gosses on Sunday. First we ate some cheesecake at her place.























Soanyway. Holy wow, what a great movie! Go see it soon!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

C.O.A.T.

Walking behind these guys was probably the most fun I ever had on Saint Laurent.






















This was just over a year ago. I wonder if their Transformers phase is totally over. From case studies all around me, I'd say that phase is forevs.

Next up, a pet skunk??




















Skunks are like unicorns. Gotta catch'em. You don't run into skunks that often, especially in the city. I love skunks.

I also love Pepsi. This ranks high on my cutest shit of all time list.


That said, check THIS.

Monday, November 9, 2009

UKRAINIA MANIA.

Maybe I'm being kind of an asshole, but can you really wear your hair like this and expect to be taken seriously as a politician??




















My first thought was, "What beautiful hair you have, Yulia Tymoshenko..."

My second was, "Wait, you're the Prime Minister of Ukraine?! But look at your hair!! Yulia Tymoshenko!!"

And now I'm thinking, "Great secret rose hanging out on your right shoulder! Is that some Marchesa outerwear??"


























Most importantly...

SIENNA VS. YULIA!!!





















You decide.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

NICE PANTIES, GIRLFRIEND.

The great thing about my roommate Mike is when I said, "You look like you're going to blow up school!" this morning on his way out the door, he smiled and laughed and went on his merry way as though I'd told him he looked like a lot of money.

I meant it as a compliment anyway, like "You look like Christian Slater's salary in Heather's! Way to keep your explosives in an agnes b carry-all, man! That's some real passion for fashion!"






















You'd think that "You look like you're going to blow up school!" would be more likely to offend someone than "You look like you teach grade 3!" But you would be wrong. I still can't believe my sister hasn't killed me in my sleep for that one.

Moving on to some tasteful H1N1 jokes??

No but really, in the watch out for germs state of affairs, something moderately amusing has come to my attention.

Apparently when some people do coke, they make a point of not sharing the same end of a rolled up bill. "Ha!" I thought (and said aloud.)

This was met with, "The mucous membrane! Come on!" And then, "Isn't anyone afraid of H1N1?!"

I made some good points. "So when you stick it back in your wallet and take it out again later, I guess you've made a point of marking which end is yours..."

Blank stare.

"Furthermore, MONEY IS THE DIRTIEST THING AROUND! And what, no one else might have thought stuck that up their nose before you got it as change from your 15 pack of Tremblay?!

DOING DRUGS AIN'T REALLY THAT ORIGINAL.

If you really want to keep it clean, you should press your own one-hundred dollar bills to hand out as party favours. Case closed.,

Meanwhile, Eva Mendes' Calvin Klein ads never fail to brighten up my day.

Enjoy...






























Friday, November 6, 2009

TAYLOR DUTH TRAHP.

OH JEEZ. Clicked on this ad on craigslist this morning.

female assistant wanted (Montreal)


Date: 2009-11-06, 9:16AM EST Reply to: job-g5fcs-1453849529@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Hi there. I'm a fit, fun, easy going attractive white guy looking for an assistant who can give me some feedback from a female point of view. I want to start doing strip shows for bachelorette parties and i really need to practice and get some experience. I'm looking for an assistant who can watch me and volunteer some time to help me get a routine that looks good. This would be on a voluntary basis whenever you have some free time. If you enjoy watching a fit, attractive guy strip, lol it's the perfect thing for you. I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, i just really need some help with this. It'll be fun!

Lord, DELIVER ME!


The most terrifying moment from my Gap model fantasy blowing up in my face was when Noah Mills' myspace profile came up and his quote beside his probably sexy picture was "I am a model, you know what I mean..."

Ohmigod, the worst. The WORST! Gag me with a spoon, it's over.


If you ever get the chance to watch this on the big screen, it's really something. If you think it's going to be the same thing over and over, wait til the five minute mark. And it is wrong that I just thought to classify it as Timothy McVeigh porn??



























Everybody's got their something.

Soanyway. I went to the dentist this morning and read a fashion magazine (FASHION magazine) with a teenage Taylor on the cover. Who can keep track, I know. Closer inspection showed that the Taylor was Momsen and she's on Gossip Girl!























I'm not big/up on television, not that I'm too cool for it, I'm just really not that with it. I've heard about telly on the world wide web but we have some old-fashioned thing about bandwidtch restriction that means 3 to 5 I'm Too Sexy views a month, at most. Whenever I tell someone I can't watch whatever on youtube because we already went over our limit, there comes the joke, "HA! Do you have dial-up too?!" Then I do a really good dial-up impression and we laugh, oh how we laugh.

Okay so there's Taylor Momsen, Taylor Swift, and Taylor Taylor Swift's boyfriend, right?? (Taylor Hanson goes without saying. Taylor Hanson. Check!)

I bet they all have cousins named Madison.

Speaking of Madison, I overheard at Ben & Jerry's that...

"Yaw, Madison is soooo pretty, but she is SUCH a betch."

"Yaw, and she totally knows she's pretty too."

"Yaw, I know, it's sooooo true."

There were like 8 girls, brownie fro-yo types, out for a treat on a 21st birthday. That said, they ordered ice cream, but they were still the worst. They talked the talk of mean girls in movies/The Hills to the point that I almost spilled my mop water it was so funny.

Before I decided the birthday girl was maybe the worst of the worst, I liked her. She liked my coworker Heather though, because Heather guessed she was turning 19 and I guessed older (albeit correctly.) To get her back on my side (why, I do not know) I said, "Being twenty-one is SO much FUN!" And SHE said...

"PROMISE?!"

It was too funny.

The more I googleimage Taylor Hanson, the more I believe that this "one to watch" young (Davidoff Cool Water type) actor pointed out to me at the Calvin Klein party I went to with my girl PJ in September was in fact, Taylor Hanson doing that thing models do where they lie about their age and change their name to something cool like "Duth Trahp" to kickstart their careers.





























And the more I googleimage Taylor Hanson, the more I remember that I forgot that he's in a band with James Iha from the Smashing Pumpkins??

Thursday, November 5, 2009

BOYS IN WHITE JEANS.

The other day my sister compared the appeal of someone we know to that of Andrew W.K. in that "You don't really know why you find him attractive but..." I responded with "No...sorry, no. Andrew W.K. is actually attractive. Clean all that shit off him and put him in a suit, I've seen it Hilary, he's not bad looking at all..."

This exchange came to mind this morning, as I put 2 raw eggs into the blender to mealify my liquid almost meal.

Keep in mind that the following is not really what I meant but anyway.











































The facial expression is far too Taylor Hanson circa when you thought he was the hot one before you found out they were boys, thank you very much. And that open-mouth bit of tooth showing look is for girls sexing the camera, mainly Kate Moss and Scarlett Johanssen although it's only Scarlett Johanssen that needs to quit it.

I meant to be big upping Andrew WK, but that picture was just too funny to miss.

It's makes me feel the way I feel when I think about male strippers dancing to Right Said Fred in leopard print underwears.

Could be worse though. Remember when my Gap fantasy blew up in my face??






























Moving on, rumour has it I look like Harry Connick Jr. when I wake up in the morning...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

GIRLS ARE SOFT.

I wrote the following on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend.

I just tried on a new perfume, l'Air du Temps. Caroliner was getting rid of it a few months ago and I decided the bottle would look nice with my perfume bottle collection on my cake stand. Never tried it though and today seems like as fine a day as any.
























It was to be followed by some more talk of Love's Baby Soft, the perfume I had bought in Toronto a couple of weeks before, only to realize as I had suspected, that it smelled a bit like underage. As aforementioned, I think I bought it when I was 11.

(FUN FACT: Hannibal Lecter smells l'Air du Temps on Clarice and how disgusting is that.)

The ads are just as pretty ridiculous as they were 3.3 weeks ago.

























Holy yuck, right?! She looks 13 (and a half...??)

At least this one looks a little more like she wants to dress up as a school girl. But isn't actually a schoolgirl.
















She looks like she could be an older sister character in from out of town on the Partridge Family. Jersey City, anybody??

This one is just funny because it's like "hey, lose it on prom night if you know what's good for you, kid." Whereas teen mags today are full of "you totally don't have to lose it on prom night, you know..." bullshit.





















BULLSHIT!! Everyone knows you gotta lose it by graduation.

No but seriously you guys, there was an article in the Globe and Mail a couple of weeks ago where this sex therapist was saying that "14 may be young to lose it but if you haven't had sex by 20, well that's too old."

This is of course, ridiculous. As my sister Hilary said in response to this jibber jabber, "You should only have sex when you want to have sex and you should not have sex when you don't want to have sex." This extends beyond the v-card thing to life in general! DUH!

In the other hand (yup, I went there), if you haven't masturbated and had an orgasm by 20, well that's too late. Not too late like your time has come and gone but too late like hop to it get a move on, don't be shy between your own thighs, you guys.

On that note, welcome to November, and have a great day.

(Click it for the BIG PICTURE!)