GAG ME WITH A SPOON.

Now I must say, I didn't expect to be surfing the world wide web in my underwear on this rainy Tuesday afternoon, clicking on craigslist ads that say things like...

Looking For Someone With Lots of Blackheads/Whiteheads in Montreal (downtown Montreal)

I thought it was the work of some fetishist (strangers? really??) but it turns out this person is testing out their own brand of pore strips...REALLY?? I am surprised to say that I went so far as to click on the links for examples of ideal candidates, as represented on youtube. Did you guys know about this?? People filming themselves squeezing their faces close-up?? REALLY??





















Moving on, I'm looking at craigslist (eventhough Hilary told me it's not the best place to look for jobs) because my attempt at finding out how one goes about getting a job at a library didn't go so great and I'm feeling disheartened.

Why am I looking for a job, you say?? Well, have you ever had the feeling you're getting fired without explanation because of a bizarre love triangle that you're not personally involved in but happen to be aware of, perhaps more than some of those actually involved in the triangle?? Let's keep it cryptic until I know what the fuck is up but right now I'd say I'm peeved/livid/irked and asking you kindly to please, send cash.





















I cried in desperation to Hilary that I should just go get a sexy bar job like everyone else and she told me to think about what I like. She told me I like writing and books. I also like stationery and stickers.
















Hilary suggested I walk down the street to the library today and ask how one goes about getting a job in a library. I was going to do this but first I decided to try and get a library card. Actually, first I decided to run into my friend Brent and take a 3 block detour with him because I hadn't really talked to anyone all day, so naturally we were on the verge of goodbye in the middle of sidewalk in front of his doorstep for what he probably felt was too long because he certainly needed to go pee??

So, I'm trying to be friendly to the library man and I'm three words into my I lost my library card schpiel when he SHUSHES me and makes note of the echoing potential surrounding us. So I forget about asking him if I can read to the little ones in the kids section or whatever because he OBVIOUSLY THINKS I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A LIBRARY BEFORE. (Little does he know, I took out 248 books in my time at Concordia and there were months where I spent more time there in silence than with living/breathing folk who would hope to call me their friend.) Then I go out what I think is the out door and it won't let me out and an alarm goes off and I mutter something about how I thought it was the out door, step into the rain, and promptly burst into tears. I forgot to mention that I didn't get to join the library because apparently the cheetah postcard Guzzo sent me last week doesn't count as proof of address??
















Then, since I invited Anaise over for dinner and all I have is cheddar cheese, I go to 4 Frères with the intention of buying poor food meaning 99 cent bread and ketchup if I'm going to get really bougie. I decide that since I have a whole 14 dollars in my bank account (not that I have to prove anything to YOU but I actually have more this time, I just happen to have a hold on it til...well, next week actually...) maybe I'll buy some salad stuff to make it a balanced meal of sorts (we already have plenty of red wine) but INSUFFICIENT FUNDS and then INSUFFICIENT FUNDS and then INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. I don't understand because I didn't spend that money but lucky me, Scotiabank at my corner closes at...like 2pm?? REALLY??

I wonder if the MASSAGE PARLOUR down the block pays CASH. I know they're open late.





















(C U IN HELL.)

OUT 2 BRUNCH, BABY.

Somewhere between more and most importantly, comes the question "Have you seen the Gap guys right now??" My bestie-best Katie and I were having a semi-heart-to-heart at this time yesterday in Toronto over a stellar Mexican breakfast at a place La Hacienda, when it occurred to me to interrupt her as visions of my favourite danced through my head. To my great satisfaction, she was keen to take that detour with me, in exclamation of "Oh my god, I KNOW!"

I'm not sure why I sauntered into the Gap on Bloor in the first place on Friday...wait, yes I do, it had something to do with how the Oxford shirt wearing fellow I'd been knocking boots with was just not that into the Love's Baby Soft perfume I purchased when left to my own overly nostalgic devices in the garden of Eden that is Honest Ed's on Wednesday. I bought it because it was two dollars and it was the first perfume I paid money for when I was 11 or so and deeply under the influence of YM magazine. I imagined it would smell like underaged girls, and the noses of three boys I questioned about it came to overwhelming conclusion that Love's Baby Soft is not something I should smell like at the ripe old age of 24. Last time I sauntered into the Gap, they had inoffensive eau de toilettes for the sampling, and I thought it would be nice to smell like something clean and fresh yet midtwenties-ish?? As it were, no such scents were to be found, but I was faced with an army of identically 6 foot nined billboards and my knees got so weak I had to leave.

On this rainishy Sunday afternoon that is today, I vowed to unfold the fold-up army that came in last month's ELLE and have another look at the one that really got me, which isn't to say that the Davidoff Cool Waterish guy is yours for the taking.

Soanyway, he's the one in the blue t-shirt and Authentic jeans.





















He's got more mischief than our boy Davidoff, no?? Turns out he has a name too!

"Noah Mills."

With any luck, my galpal who's knocked boots with some Jean-Paul Gaultier posterboy will find her way into those Authentics, if not that other galpal who always seems to be trysting with someone google-imageable...

Our man of the hour doesn't translate as well through cyberspace as he does in real-life (read: 6 foot nined billboards) and it turns out if you google-image him some less than what I'm into representations of the man come up.

For example...how is this the same person??





















Can we really take this out to Sunday brunch??





















The answer is, he was probably like 12 in this picture so YES WE CAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IS IT

I can't believe that only right now at 7:39 PM, has it occurred to me what day it is today! Or rather what night! That's right boys and girls, the 21st night of September and I think if you were to look back in time on my world wide web log, you would see that there's something I make a point of sharing at this time every year...



Finally, at 8:13PM, the perfectly cutest GOLDEN YEARS couple walks in hand in hand, asking where the best place to take a nice walk tonight would be. Turns out they've been everywhere romantic I could think of and so I tell them I've been waiting for them and I play them September.

They're happy/it's perfect; see you next year!

STONE'S THROW AWAY vs. JUST AROUND THE RIVERBEND

The party was a blast. No one stole my nailpolish or anyone's virginity. Perf.

And I made some new boy pals that live across the street! Enter the new Nick and JP! 2.0!




















Okay not really because those two are irreplaceable.



















But it's always fun to have boys a stone's throw away to shoot the shit with and have accidental slumber parties with when a stone's throw seems far too far away.


My friend Noah from high school just moved to Montreal across the street from me so he doesn't count but his roommates do be new; Nick and Gab they are called. When I turned them onto the best radio station of all time this morningternoon (AM 940), Rod Stewart's Young Turks came on which made me feel a bit sentimental because it reminds me of the first pants off (and shirts too in their case) dance party I had with Nick and JP on the first Wednesday of July.


Noah made me watch a play-by-play of the new Diablo game. JP says it's called "DIABLO 3" and he's excited for it too. Maybe we can all be friends??




















Anyway, the play-by-play is like 10 minutes long which is about 15 longer than it should be but I feigned me some good interest for sure. Then I made Noah watch the trailer for Jennifer's Body and he said it looked stupid so I guess we're going to see it on Tuesday. I already have plans to sure this sure to be incredible cinematic experience with Liane but I don't think she will mind. She and Noah have both just started Film Studies at Concordia, so I think it should work out great. I'm generally pretty good at setting up friendships. JP is finally ready to make Candice his platonic steady. And now that I think about it, they first met the night of our first pants-off, see you next year!

WHAT'S UP, FRIDAY?!

To start things off, the latest e-mail from my dad, entitled WHAT A VARIED LIFE WE LEAD.

Well, the peony talk was riveting. The best thing was hearing about a new Ito peony called Hilary. It looked very nice. No doubt they are working on a Nicola as we speak. Then we went to Shopper's to buy bus tickets for me. Then we ate a bowl of popcorn and tried to watch TV not too successfully because we could not get some of the channels to work. Ok bye Pxoxox

In case you didn't know, my sister's name is Hilary and I am known to be jealous of her on occasion so this is funny.

I decided to venture back on here as I waited for a call from my #2 dentist's secretary...

I made an appointment back in May for September 24th and the joke at the time that went on for as long as September seemed far away, was that "the only thing I know about my future is that I have a dentist appointment on September 24th", as people tend to ask you a lot about your future when you finally graduate from university.

I happen to be loving this sense of not knowing what is to come in a big way.

In the past few months, all kinds of good shit has happened unexpectedly and I'm pretty sure I'm truly happier than I've been in years.

This is first September since I sauntered into Therèse's junior kindergarten class in 1989 that I haven't been in school. I will always remember that morning, hearing the friendly voice of the woman that would turn out to be the mother of the girl that would turn out to be my best friend for years to come, and being surprised to see she had strawberry blonde hair, when for some reason I had expected it to be black from the sound of her voice. I sat with my new friend Manat on the bus on the way home, and I showed her the Little Mermaid changepurse I had received on my 4th birthday a couple of weeks before; clear plastic with water inside it with sparkles you could shake around to heighten the magic of Ariel's daydreams. I was the last on the bus that day, as I had forgotten to get off at my stop with my brother sometime before Manat got off last and I was left truly last. It was lucky it turned out that way because I had no time to be afraid.

Anyway, I'm working two jobs which works out to 6 days a week for the most part and I'm happy about this. I feel for the first time in forever that I haven't any catching up to do. Of course there's always something to improve upon and a future to be pondered, but I don't feel any immediate stress right now which is unfamiliar and fantastic. I know I won't always scoop ice cream and work at a dep and I know that I will eventually continue with school, be it in a year or two and a half.

WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES WE DO.

Housewarming HAUS PARTY at my new pad tonight, and the presence of one of my nearest and dearest, my beloved Katie Hermon. I'm looking forward to the company of people I enjoy in the warmth of walls that are orange and a lime green bathroom with no fan.

More to come on upcoming fun with Hollerado and what the hell is wrong with everyone except me and Kweku in regards to knowing the difference between BOYZ II MEN and ALL 4 ONE.

To be fair, another nearest of dearests that I'm going to go dish with later this afternoon totally knows what's up on the ALL 4 ONE front. Alas, Danielle Taylor was not there to be on our side at Trivia Night at Grumpy's last Sunday when the whole bar was wrong except us and it certainly didn't end in justice. Before we knew it, someone used iphone as VERB and it was definitely time to get the hell out of there. That said, it was fun to see off our Australian friend Adam that night, and I sealed it with an eskimo kiss (I don't know the politically correct name, sorry) and would you believe that three weeks ago Adam had never even had an eskimo kiss?? It was the funniest, I made him close his eyes so I could give him one and he scrunched up his face like an ewgross four year-old. IT WAS PERFECT. So was summmer, see you next year!

BACK 2 COOL

This is the first September since 1989 that I am not in school. SERIOUSLY!



To anyone who missed Pauly Shore here last night, you snoozed and losed, bud.