Sunday, November 30, 2008

WIMPS, BLIMPS AND SNEAKER PIMPS.

Thisisme...NOW!

















I saw an 11 year-old private school kid on the bus last week with a backpack twice his weight and thrice his width on his back. And I wanted to say "Hey little buddy, I know how you feel..."
















Why did I just hear that in a Mitch Hedberg voice?? Weird.





















If I don't hurry up, he might finish university before I do.
















Anyway, I used to have some Adidas Gazelles, right??
















It seems like they're hard to find, at least in my size. (Six.) And there are some weird new ones that say Gazelle but aren't the same as the ones I had in '95. There are some stupid ones that are shiny leather and not suede. Maybe they always existed but who cares, they're uncool. My old roommate Darcy Cooke has some new Gazelles that say Gazelle SKATEBOARD and I wasn't that pleased when he pulled up the cuff of his pants to show me...

My steady tells me on his recent NYC ventures, he went to TWO Adidas warehouses and still no luck! What a catch, but he better get me some by 2009...

I remember knowing very well that Gazelles were cool and Campuses were lesser than.

















"POSERS" wore Campuses. And I was the real deal?? Shit, who knows?!

Maybe because Campuses had negative college-bound connotations, who knows...

Either way, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness was my jams.





















One time, when I was in grade 6 and people a year older than me who hadn't failed a grade were in grade 7, this girl in grade 7 loved my Gazelles so much that she was like "OH MY GOD, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME BORROW THEM FRIDAY! I HAVE A DATE WITH A HOT GUY FRIDAY! PLEASE!" I let her borrow them. 5 years later she was a lesbian.

I'm not putting anyone down here, I'm just saying. When I heard she'd come out, I immediately thought of when I lent her my shoes for her hot date.

So...my sneakers I wear every other day are my blue suede with yellow stripe North Stars. I got them at Athlete's World for 20 bones about a year and a half ago, and I guess they were some dying out re-issue because I want some more and they are super hard to find.



My North Stars are basically a cross between the Gazelle and the Onitsuka Tiger.
















My steady only wears the Saucony Jazz.







Except for this one time he worse these brown leather boat shoes he bought for his mom's retirement party at his mom's retirement party.

It was funny, this one time, we went to have lunch with my sister's roommate Lindsay Rogers and our friend Mansa right after Lindsay Rogers saw Richard Gere on the street??

And Lindsay Rogers was like (to Devin), "Oh cool, they're like platforms!" in regards to his sneakers. There's the low-pro and then there's the just regular ones. And they make you taller, yes, it's true, Lindsay Rogers.

Devin and his ex-girl lost their Saucony Jazz virginity to one another. Or rather, at the same time I guess. They got it(s) for cheap and I think I just found a picture of them whilst googleimaging!

















Anyways, I guess this means that when Devin gets back from his tour this week, I don't have to do anything especially annoying like shave my legs!

WOOP! WOOP!














YAAA! YAAA!














Wait, wait, this one's the best.





















Oh hey there little guy... Am I right?!

Oh good LORD! Just LOOK at this wittle PANDA!





















I dedicate that there baby panda to Mike Chiu, lover of all things cute.

I have to go write an essay now. I'm tired just thinking about it!

But probably not as tired as Scott Speedman gets from running through my mind throughout 92% oh my daydreams...

Monday, November 24, 2008

MILKSHAKES ARE BORING.

Went to the dentist today. Things look better but I'm not allowed to chew for ONE MONTH.

Today on the wheels of walkman we have In Utero from a little known band called Nirvana.






















It came out two months after yesterday's fave, Siamese Dream, in September 1993.

It is worth noting that Miley Cyrus was zero years old at this time not that there's anything wrong with that.




















PEACE MILEY! (I know, I know, you were 10 months old; big whoop.)

By the way Alliy Brown, the In Utero tape is yours. I took it from your tape stash when we used to live together. I wasn't stealing, I just forgot to give it back.

















(Show me your tape player and you can have it back. Shit...last week when I was trying out my discman, I found myself listening to your pink Bran Van 3000 CD?? That was actually an accident...)

One time when Alliy turned 18 I made her a mixtape because we were going on a 2 hour car ride and her car was kind of a shitbox and I knew it had a tape player, plus it was her birthday like I said, right?





















It turned out they had gotten a CD player installed and the tape player was no longer. At this point, I started to think that giving her The Goonies on BETA for Christmas was a bad idea.

























Six months later, Alliy was working at Pita Pit where they had a tape player. She told me that she totally loved my tape and it was great to listen to at work.






















One day one of her co-workers stole it. It was a good time to say, "This is the pits. The PITA pits." And so she did. (I hope.)

This is probably a good time to mention that Jessica Biel's ex-boyfriend is hotter than her current one.






















What, you don't think so??






















You're WRONG.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

2 GIRLS, GREY CUP.

So, what is this "Grey Cup Weekend" I keep hearing about...














By keep hearing about I mean that no one I know in real life has mentioned it, but on AM940, some guy was talking about it all last week without actually talking about it (because I still don't know what sport it aligns with...uh-gain.) and he was all like "Montreal, get READY!" and going on about how whoever hosts the Monday morning show is going to be "Hung-OVER!" (on Monday.) So football is a Sunday thing meknows, and so I think it's football. I'd say I'm 90% sure it's football. But as I absentmindedly listened to Grey Cup babble over the past week, I know I thought it was hockey and then a day or two ago, it occurred to me that it was football maybe, because I started to feel sure I had learned it was football some other year.














Guess who cares?! (Probably not Alfred.)

Anyways, I hope the Grey Cup is basketball because I like basketball, sometimes.

I'm not good at it or anything, but it's sort of fun to watch, sometimes.













And it brings back good memories.

















What a dorky name Dennis is. Unlike "Electra..."






















Porno for Pyros!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

So I hope that I win tickets to the Harlem Globetrotters from AM940 this week. It usually happens around 8 am weekdays that they play a song and then there is a question and then there is a winner.

At least that's how it went last week. They're not coming until April, so who knows...

And here is a poem I just wrote my steady in the wonderful world of hotmail improvisation.

Love is a burning flame,
Gingerbread lattes are bogus.
When school is over and done with,
Let's go to a party in togas!

When in Rome,
We'll wear them too.
And why not also,
In Katmandu??

It's getting even like Stevens,
That Cat is on the ball.
I'm losing my religion to Yusuf Islam,
Stipe, meet me at the mall!

In the foodcourt.
By the fake plastic trees,please...

By: Me



FADE TO BLACK...


Saturday, November 22, 2008

BO-RING.

I still have braces, thank GOD!






















And my ipod disappeared into thin air and I'm listening to Siamese Dream on my SONYSPORT walkman, thank GOD!
























And I still don't have the internet.

Anyways, see you at the Emporium!


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

CHOCOLATE MILK ON MY MIND...

These are some things I overheard within the past 24 hours:

"I'm sitting in a cubicle at the library basically trying to find a gorgeous girl with a sick body in a white bikini." -guy sitting across from me on the leather (pleather?) chairs across from the look up books computers at the library.






















And later on...

"I'm a nymphomaniac! And all I want is a Jewish cowboy!" -female voice behind me as Liane and I charged out of the Scotiabank theatre post-Role Models last night.

















Well then....

So! Here are some of my fave role models!











































Now looking at this photo, I think it looks like she just gave someone twice her age a BJ.

However, I wouldn't have expected so many other people to feel the same way...

It seems like sort of a mean thing to say about a 15 year old in the public eye??

OLDIES BUT GOODIES...

































And the ultimate post-feminist powerbars!!!







































Soanyway.

Best word combination e-mailed to me within the past week:

"i hate feist. i like her, but when she sings in french i want to cut her tongue off."







"hahahahahahahahaha"
I'm going to get some of my face re-worked at the hospital this aft, can't wait!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

SIMON SEX GET THE FUCK OFF F-BOOK (Girls, rub on ya titties.)

I think I'm going to get the internet.

That's all my mom, my sister and my steady ever tell me to do...

"CALL BELL CALL BELL GET THE INTERNET CALL BELL GET THE INTERNET"

That's how my moms signs her P.S.s (pee-esses).

So I think I'm going to, because then I could be showered with more affection although I have been getting a lot of mail lately, mostly owing to my dad obviously manipulating everyone who e-mails him him with variations of "Oh poor Nicola Picola, what TERRIBLE luck, send her my love Johnny, would you??" To which he must reply, "SEND IT YOURSELF! HERE IS HER ADDRESS. IF IT WEREN'T FOR REAL MAIL, NICOLA WOULD CRY 5 TIMES MORE OFTEN THAN SHE DOES WHEN PEOPLE WRITE HER LETTERS. Sincerely, Johnny Canuck."



















For real, my dad refers to himself in this way, as do half the people he knows. The other half are in the midst of being pressured to do so, as he signs off in this way in his letters.














For example, my steady D told me not too long ago "I got a postcard from your dad. Actually, it was from Johnny Canuck...??"

Coolness.

Ugh. Did you know that when you googleimage MR. BIG, Chris Noth comes up?? Sex and the SHITTY. Yeah maybe I taped all but 3-5 episodes of Sex and the City on VHS, but UGH nonetheless. Mr. Big is a CHOCOLATE BAR. Come on! Anybody? Anybody??

At least I thought he was a chocolate bar so big you'd call him mister. Mr. Big may very well be one of these...ladybugs??






















ALRIGHT! I think this has been supremely boring for everyone involved.

Anyways. I've been jerking off to this picture for three years but I still don't think it's boring.























Okay?? And I've said it before but I'll say it again. Young People Fucking shows Diora Baird's rack exactly zero times.

= BORING.

Wait a minute. Waiiiiiiiiiiit a minute...

THIS JUST IN.

I've watched a number of "New Hard-Core Art Films" lately for school, which just turned me onto some really hot goss.
She said "turned me on..."
HA!

Apparently, Lie With Me (2005), features unsimulated sex with the likes of...ERIC BALFOUR.























Wait, who? Is that the guy that sings the song that goes "Come ma ledday, Come-come ma ledday, yo ma buttafla, suga, behbay".........??

Sure looks like him (kinda/sorta.)
Soanyway...Eric Balfour.




















HOW DO YOU DO, MR. GQ!!! COOL!

Also known as, that tall=hot guy from Six Feet Under who was also on the OC back when that shit was bangin' and hmmmm...before that he was probs doing porn like Simon Rex back in the 90s...
[I feel like Eric Balfour is on some really hot show right now but I'm not quite sure what it is/might be. I feel like he's a doctor maybe...I don't know anything.]

So...
You don't even know how carried away I just got with googleimaging Simon Rex. Also known as, the hottest thing EVER.
























And I say thing to objectify him. (Sorry Simon!) Because he is a sex object. IT IS NOT HARD TO FIND PROOF. But you can't see much of it at the CON-U library, that's for sure. Our man Dirt Nast has a prominence in gay porn, so homoboys, man up and get on that shit tonight.
Come on, come on...he's asking for it.




As for me, I know what I'm saying this eve.

And by eve I mean this afternoon, after I leave this godforsaken place and head to the movie store and make my way home to dance around in my kitchen with visions of Eric Balfour dancing in my head... (Sorry Devin, what happens when you're in Ohio stays between me and Eric Balfour and my kitchen.)
En conclusion, the truth is, it's not that hard to WAIT A MINUTE. I was going to say that Simon Rex's cock will come up the second you googleimage Simon Rex but the truth is, I totally forgot I changed my settings on google so that I could look at naughty stuff.
Shouldn't CON-U find a way to outlaw Simon Rex's cock and Diora Baird's magnificent mountains??
Yearn they not for such appendages more than 456 than interfriendages??
Sadly, for 99% of the teens (closeted kids included), that is probs not the case.
DIORA+SIMON= FAR MORE DISTRACTING THAN F-BOOK, NO??