LOSE 10 POUNDS BY TUESDAY.

New year? New YOU!






















In order to discover the new me, I have secured my very own locker on the 6th floor of the Hall building. I have been a bag lady since I was like 3 years old,
























I'm usually carrying a minimum of 3 bags and sometimes 6, but like whatever, what's 6 when I have about 40 000 bags, each with their own special purpose and winning personality??













Even with just 6 bags, all of them are bursting at the seams and yet I always seem to forget something even with my hands full of 14 extra pens and 2 extra pairs of gloves just in case.






















Anyone who ever had a locker around me in my private school days knows that I always had a LOT of shit with me which is why my locker would never close.





















I hope that with my new locker, I will uncomplicate my travels as I live further from school than I have in the past 3 years and it’s a pain going back and forth because I forgot my USB key or a towel for the gym and I don’t want to pay a dollar for a lame little white towel the size of my ass and what good is a little white towel??

















On Thursday afternoon, as I approached my locker, there was a girl at the locker next to me. I wondered if I should introduce myself or if that would be creepy because it’s not like we’re in the same homeroom or something… It’s just that in high school, I always talked to the people who had lockers around me and we might not have hung out outside the locker bay in the world of queen bees and wannabes but for those few moments everyday, we were friends.





















That is not to say that I was a queen bee or a queen bee’s little lamb, it’s more like I was friends with everyone but actually friends with no one, at least when I transferred to public school when I was 16 and everyone was settled in their crews.


There’s nothing in my locker right now except maybe 5 of my 14 extra pens eventhough I kind of prefer writing in pencil. As I closed my locker on Thursday afternoon, I found myself wondering if I should decorate it or if that was totally high school and a grand waste of time. It now struck me as funny to decorate a storage space, it’s not like there’s a couch and you can all hang out and talk about boys, clothes and make-up with the inviting locker doors around you filled with pages torn out from magazines featuring boys, clothes and make-up.












What about a locker mirror? I’m sure I still have one…would that be totally high school and lame?? I’m not much for hand-eye coordination but I think I can put on my lip gloss without a mirror…besides, the bathrooms for the honeys at CON-U have waiting rooms that have mirrors on every wall and that’s in addition to the mirrors inside the place with the toilets and sinks and hand-dryers and did you hear the one about gender-neutral bathrooms in our midst??
















I remember when I went to Brookfield in grade 11, wondering why everyone wanted a locker on “the bridge” so much…the bridge of lockers UP THERE, between the halls housing the lockers of the minor niners, was the place to be if you were a senior citizen. I saw it as going up 7 stairs and then going down 7 stairs and I was more interested in smoking pot and going to McDonald’s than being active climbing extra stairs.













































Maybe that is why I’m still afraid of the stairmaster at the YMCA eventhough I’ve been going there for ages and I’ve seen enough people climbing to greater heights to know that it won’t eat me or call me names or cut me up into tiny pieces.





















So maybe I won’t put up a mirror but maybe a few photos of people I know (like Katie Hermon, Katie Hermon, and Katie Hermon) and some of people that I don’t know (Mark Ruffalo, Scott Speedman, and the cute bartender from the Disaronno commercial). I may be at my locker for max 9 minutes a day but those 9 minutes should be a teen dream just for fun.
















Decorating your locker when you are 22 and spend 9 minutes max with it on any given day. It’s like how girls paint their toe-nails in the winter.





















It’s not entirely necessary but it’s kind of nice, right?
















Riiiiight....I actually gave myself a mini-pedi before I left the house for my 10:15 class on Thursday…so while some of you were sleeping off the body shots you did at Tokyo on Wednesday night, I was painting my toe-nails at 9:10 am like it mattered to my literary criticism teacher evnethough I hadn’t met him yet. But he totally seems like the kind of guy who would paint his nails and not in that rockstar wannabe let’s colour an uneven number of our nails with BLACK PERMANENT MARKER way. Do you even know who started that shit? Carson DALY.
















Bad-ass! And he actually did it with Tara Reid which is beyond me...





















You'd tap that? Come on...





















HONESTLY?? Well, I wouldn't...eventhough her voice is like sugar-coated sandpaper and I have a weakness for raspy voices.

But only on girls. Boys with raspy voices sound like zombies back from the grave and here to eat your babies and who doesn’t want babies??
















Lots of people actually, like my girl Kelis. Not yet anyway as I learned from her funny column in MISSBEHAVE magazine and it reminded me why she’s the centerpiece on my ACTUAL refrigerator where I keep my perishable food items…





















Slammin'. And to think she greets me everytime I want an ice cube!

I am happy for her.

















In relation, the jam of the day comes from something I love to straight chill to…From Illmatic to Stillmatic: The Remixes….IT AIN’T HARD TO TELL!


So hey you guys, I hope all is going well so far in 2008 and if you’re feeling lost ain’t nothing like AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.

Kid, you'll move mountains but not overnight.

Think slow and steady.

Don't say "NEVER DO DRUGS AGAIN!!!" if you think it's going to be hard. Think more like "Don't do blow in that bathroom at your parents' house but there ain't nothing wrong with a small marijuana cigarette outside before bed because it's not like they don't know you smoke 'dope' anyways." That said, I haven't smoked 'dope' in over a year unless I accidentally did on New Year's when a teenager took over my body and threw up on my shoes. It's called a lifestyle change!

And if that don’t work, don't give up on affirmative action altogether. TRY THE REMIX!





















In relation, my supercool cousin Jesse McNichol has a radio show called Hip-Hop ‘n Happenings where he talks about interesting things and plays cool jams on Sundays at 11pm ATL and y'all can go listen to it at mta.ca/chma and all you need is realplayer and thasswhassup.





















BAM!