HAPPINESS IS A WARM...

HAPPINESS IS A WARM HUG ON A COLD DAY!

Is it just me or is it getting cold ‘round these parts??

Here is a math problem.














QUESTION:

Let’s say it’s December and I’ve been hanging around with a boy who is nice to me and makes me laugh but he is cursed with, I don’t know, let’s say erectile dysfunction. No big deal, that’s what Viagra is for, right?














And for the under 25 set, the effects are PARTICULARLY mind-blowing…





















Let’s say one blue pill lasts 12 hours, and I call this boy at 5 in the morning to tell him I want to knock boots and I’mma be there in 3 shakes of a lamb’s tail…He takes the pill at 5:10 and he's rock solid by 5:14.

















I’m there by 5:28 and it’s 20 below outside.

How much time would we have left to horizontal mambo for, by the time I’ve, in dim lighting, removed my clothes and submerged myself in bathtub full of raspberry Jello, made the old-fashioned way with 14 parts hot water and 23 parts ice cubes...
















And then rinsed off with a steamy shower in water that is 2 degrees under boiling...














Consider the fact that I will only horizontal mambo if R. Kelly’s Fiesta is playing as “mood music” with the BPM upped by 36%.

ANSWER:

Trick question. By the time I take off all my layers, it will likely be the year 2012 and the world will be totally dunzo and you better believe it. Okay not really, it will be 2008 and this boy will be tired of waiting for me to put out. He will have moved on to some stuck-up tuna that ain’t no around the way filet like me, but who do you think they’re going to hire for LL Cool J’s new music video??



















In this day and age? Probably not me.

The point is, Nick Martin needs to invest in a real winter coat because his layering technique is totally bogus. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t wear 3 pairs of pants (2 spandex, one baseball uniform remnant) and a t-shirt, 2 sweatshirts (one hooded, one hoodless), one wool sweater, and one rabbit fur vest on Sunday on my way to the YMCA, underneath my giant red seal-hunting parka.






















I have Sorel boots. I wore 2 pairs of socks, both knee-high. I wore a toque too. Whenever I bundle up, I put on my toque, then my hood (from my sweatshirt), then my scarf around my sweatshirt hood, then my hood from my COAT and then I realize that I didn’t put on my headphones and why can’t I ever remember to do that before I bundle up?? Oy.

On that note, Happy Hannukah to everyone that matters.















I forgot. I wore 2 pairs of gloves. One mittens-on-a-string that are fleece and one leather gloves I wear inside them. I was worried that I might get beat up or at the very least get my lunch money stolen for wearing something as arguably dorky as mittens-on-a-string…but I’ve been getting a lot of compliments, especially from boys, oh hooray. I even heard a rumour that all Darcy Cooke wants for Christmas is white mittens on a string. That said, I’m getting him a sandwich from La Bottega, end of story, no spicy eggplant about it. Okay okay, spicy eggplant all about it, okay.















It’s been just wild outside. IT’S REALLY WINTER! I love summer. But winter is sort of pretty too, sometimes. Which is basically how I feel about Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.






















That's so pretty, it makes me want to buy this.






















Well I mean, I'd probably take it out from the library (if all the other books were gone).

And this is something I have found amusing for about 2 years.






















HIS NAME IS SKEET. AND HE'S AIRBRUSHED. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. HE'S A DREAM. I HAVE USED HIM TO CONVEY SO MANY DIFFERENT MESSAGES OVER THE PAST 2 YEARS.

It's the perfect picture to send someone when your response is "Your point being..."

Like if your friend Frank e-mails you and says "But you ALWAYS pick the movie AND the restaurant."

Skeet.

Or if someone says "I LOVE YOU" and you don't want to say it back, just send them Skeet Ulrich airbrushed with smoldering gaze...even if you do love them, it would be funny, just to keep them guessing.

It's so snowy I don't have interweb.
















My friend Amna said “that’s what happens when you thug interweb”. A hot verb for stealing signals. “I thug interweb. That’s great, I like that.” I said.

Someone smart out there is probably thinking to themselves, “Wow, snow ain’t got nothing to do with it. She’s even more stupid than initially supposed…”

Whatever, I have this idea that my interweb signal is determined by the weather, like if there’s too much fluffly snow then the interweb signal won’t touch my computer or the big box with all the different coloured wires or something. Or if there were a river of ectoplasmic slime bubbling beneath the city and an ancient sorcerer attempting to possess Dana's baby and be born anew...well then I wouldn't have interweb then either.

















IT’S REALLY WINTER!

I only turned on my heat two and a half weeks ago. My parents are successful yet frugal, and they are of the “Money doesn’t grow on trees, toughen up, put on 6 sweaters and come to the table for these diviiine oysters we found in the Galapagos” mindset.

So I’d just been layering because I want to be like them, in a sense, but at this point, my chances of getting into medical school are slimmer than Nicole Richie’s ankles…pre-childbearing year OBVIOUSLY, I mean, have you SEEN her?! Jeez, what a blimp. Easy on the pickles…and by pickles I mean Marlboro Reds.

















I decided to turn the heat on when I was having some “bros” over to “shoot the shit” because I knew they weren't that tough and would probably get cold. It was hard. Ben Verdicchio arrived first with pastries. Ben Verdicchio is "gifted".

Oh hey look, it's Ben Verdicchio with his friend Jodie Foster!

















Ben Verdicchio and I discussed whether or not his friend Jodie Foster was a better Freaky Friday kid than Lindsay Lohan and we really couldn't decide.

BIG MAMA OF THE HAUS:
“Hey Ben Verdicchio, I decided I should turn on my heat or everyone might get mad at me…but then I followed this cord from the heater and LOOK! I mean, where am I supposed to put that? It’s like ROUND. It’s like for headphones or something.”

BEN VERDICCHIO IS "GIFTED":
“Well Nicola, if you look a bit closer at that cord, you will see that it has no connection whatsoever to your heater. That’s actually for cable. You could try negotiating a collaboration between it, and perhaps your television. Over here, we have the Mona Lisa and who knows why she’s smiling. People are always surprised at how small she is. And HERE, to the left of your bathroom door, next to all your lightswitches is an incredible work of art called YOUR THERMOSTAT. It’s avant-garde, so I don’t blame you for having it go RIGHT over your head. Woosh. It could happen to anybody. Or maybe just you.”






















That was 2 and a half weeks ago and it wasn’t until Sunday that I discovered something else mindblowing/mortifying. I called my dad to whine about how I was wearing lots of sweaters and pants but I was always SO cold at night and the heater below my desk was certainly warm but the heater in my room was not warm in the LEAST.

“Is there a knob on the heater in your room?”

“What, like ON the heater? Well I mean I looked at it quickly once and it looks the same as the other guys so I doubt it…”

“Is there a thermostat in your room? I can’t tell because I am not THERE.”

“What, like in the closet?! Haha…”

“No. It would be on the left or behind your door. Do you have a cordless phone?”

“No. I’ll check later. It’ll still be there. HA!”

Three hours later I remembered our conversation and I looked at my lightswitch aPPARENTLY for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE because there is a thermostat RIGHT BESIDE IT.

So that explained a lot. Not the things that go bump in the night but whatever, if I stay really still they won’t GET MEEEEEEE! One day I will tell you about my childhood fears of the late night variety. They’re really something else.



















I’ve only lived in this apartment for 6 months so no wonder I only discovered my thermostat in the past 2 weeks….OH! And when I brushed my teeth I noticed there’s one in my bathroom too! I’m always so cold when I get out of the shower. Sometimes I will put my towel in the dryer (I HAVE ONE OF THOSE! I KNOW! I’M SO LUCKY!) and I’ll make a mad dash to the dryer from the shower so that I might be clean AND warmish for 15 seconds of my life.

I won’t be doing that anymore. It was sort of risky anyways considering I don’t have curtains. Surely, Sue from Biftheque who lives across the street is ALWAYS checking me out…BUT NOT REALLY.

[SIDENOTE: The new Bifthèque sign is heinous. Last Thursday when Katie and I were at Café Suprême, we were both saying how awful it was. When I was there on Saturday night, these 2 boys were all "Check out the new sign man, that's SICK/Yeah man I know it's so sick" 'n shit. I was about to ask them why they were hanging out at Café Suprême talking about girls instead of at a bar talking TO girls when I realized that would be mean and I was just tired and it's not their fault.]

It’s more likely that the main people who see me disrobed are my landlord’s teenaged sons out in the backyard doing "yardwork" near my windows. And really, I’m glad to provide them this service because I’ve seen their girlfriends and they look like total prudes. Not like floor-length skirt and a bun and glasses future assets to the abbey prudes (read: nuns). More like prudes clothed in Stitches/Urban Planet slut attire that girls who won’t go past 2nd base wear on all days that end in why oh dear God WHY. And glasses are sexy anyway.






















GO TINA-GO TINA-GO!

You're cool too Amy.

















Okay Anna, you too.














Okay Andie Macdowell, you too.






















NOT!!! Oh she's the WORST. PLUS: what Amy said.

See THERE it is...






















AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS.






















In the OFFICE! HIP-HOP HOORAY!

As you learned on the Black Album, December 4th is the day.

"Conceived by Gloria Carter and Adaness Revees
Who made love under the sycamore tree"

Yes Hova, that's nice.

I wonder what he did on his birthday...I hope he had fun because he's a nice guy.

Okay now do we all agree that Young Folks is to 2007 what Crazy was to 2006?
















Somewhat uplifting jams to wake up to on your am/fm clock radio alarm, even if you’ve heard them 20 000 times before. You might even want to do a little private dance since whenever you hear them in the club, you're obligated to roll your eyes like "who IS this DJ??"

It could be worse. It could be Do You Sleep? by Lisa Loeb waking you up. You were SLEEPING and then she's all DOYOUSLEEPDOYOUSLEEPDOYOUCOUNTSHEEPDOYOUSLEEPANYMOREDOYOUSLEEPDOYOUSLEEP

And then...






















AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! WHAT AMY SAID! (Nice glasses.)

Next think you know, Lance Armstrong will be fucking Ashley Olsen.

I made up that joke the other day on Ben Barna's facebook wall but I think it's worth recycling.





















Along with plastic, cardboard, glass and other girls' boyfriends.