AMERICAN IDOL PREGNANT WITH LOHAN'S CHILD!!!

A funny thing happened today.

It all started this morning shortly after 6 am, when I woke up to Rihanna singing "Please Don't Stop the Music". I danced around for about 1 minute and then realized I was still asleep.

As I lay there half-heartedly listening to the chitter-chatter of the CHOMians, I heard something that caught my ear.

"AKON IS GAY."














Apparently, the cover of this week's People magazine announces this. Apparently, Akon made the decision to come out in the public eye because he doesn't want to teach his baby son that living a lie is the way to be. So I'm not gonna lie...I didn't know he had a fresh baby son; but there a lot of things I don't know about; including politics and geography. The radio peeps were saying that it really doesn't have to be as big a deal as People is making it out to be. And I thought, "Wow. Well then...good for him, I guess!"










I went and enjoyed the fresh air on a lovely stroll to Stella Estrella and I tried to be friendly in French, when normally I am neither here nor there; I just try and spit it like it is. I said to the lass, "Je voudrait avoir votre meilleur croissant almande!" which I think is easy to understand even if it's not entirely correct. I spoke with zeal and what felt like a twinkle in my eye...and she was cordial and wished me a good day but she did not appear to think that I was cute and fun for specifying that I wanted the best almond croissant of all the almond croissants.














[This is not it, duhv course, but I bet it tastes halfway decent.]


Some other things happened afterwards, like drinking coffee while reading my old diaries, and consequently squirming up a storm.

















And then I went to school and the long and short of it is...

Here I am at Cafe Supreme on St. Laurent, where I remember hanging out doing homeworks a lot last fall. The mini-computer device I have does not appear to understand the French accent codes I have embedded in my brain, therefore sorry. They actually dropped the Supreme quite some time ago...maybe even two years ago! But without Supreme, we might never be able to call it Shitpreme (pronounced in French, bear with me) and that would be a travesty. Shit is cheapish and it tastes like shit and the music is generally shit that partly rhymes with Zack Morris' first name but you can stay and do your shit for 5 hours and no one will make you buy more than a can of root beer, so that's alright with me.




















About to embark on my first English essay of the year, I splurged and bought an orange juice for TWO DOLLARS AND SEVENTY FIVE CENTS and I guess things have changed because it struck me as a lot but I was sort of hungry but did not want to buy food because I think I have some at home so I settled for vitamins instead of my dear friend aspartame.
















Anyway, turns out I forgot all my notes I prepared yesterday (the day on which I actually embarked on my first English essay of the year, in terms of preparation) and so, I can't actually do any of it because I'm too busy thinking about how Akon is gay...
















Supposedly Beenie Man has lightened up and softened his stance on boys loving boys but I imagine he's moderately irritated with Akon right now.

If you're up on things, you already know why this whole Akon business is funny and you know that I am not knocking homosexuality by any means.





















As I sat here in Cafe Shitpreme about fifteen minutes ago, I remembered the Akon thing and decided to check out People magazine online and see what all the fuss was about.

It turns out, I was in the dark for close to seven hours because it's not Akon that is gay (for all I know), it is CLAY AIKEN that has proclaimed that he is gay for the sake of his son.














My only regret is that I didn't get to say to anyone, "So did you hear Akon is gay??" before I understood that it was all a big misunderstanding. They could have told their friends, who could have told THEIR friends and it would have been a moderately fun rumour, not that rumours are ever fun; even in moderation.

Considering that Wikipedia told me that Akon is alleged to have three wives, and that Akon told Blender he has five kids with three different women, it would have been more of a big deal for him to come out than the CHOM fam made it out to be this morning.

Besides, Akon's first name is...Aliaune. And that doesn't rhyme with anything gossip-worthy, now does it?

Soanyway...I mean not to say that if you have all the aforementioned (multiple babies/babymamas) and are gay, that you should keep it all inside. How difficult it must be to deny something you know to be true even as it crushes you inside . After a certain age, it must be at least one million times more difficult to come to terms with, especially if you've spent so much energy avoiding what a lot of people seemed to think was true. I could see how it could seem easier to just not bother. This could apply to a lot of things,not just being into someone with the same kind of fun parts as you.

The truth is...we live in a land of the over-stimulated and easily bored. PROFOUND! So, whatever you are, be it sexually aroused by My Little Ponies in drag or into threesomes that involve peanut butter and jam with a Sharon, Lois and Bram soundtrack or say you happen to be a fan of the Carpenters...well anyone who thinks you're lame and insane will think your supposed quirk is just totally boring in about 5 minutes.

For real. What fun is it to go on and on about the personal life of someone who was on American Idol, like five years ago?? Surely, we have more important things to do. Like crackdown on the new 90210 cast for being the Ally McBeal of the 21st century in terms of corrupting the minds of impressionable young ladies with unfortunate ideals.

I resist the urge to provide pictures of skinny young things because you'll see them at the grocery store anyways and it's the same reason I've never done a blog on best and worst beach bods. In counting the ribs of people we'd never heard of a month and a half ago, we let them know that cutting their BMIs in half DOES make them stars!! People will say they are too thin but they'll shoot back that no one knew them until they dropped 20 or 30 and were able to involve themselves in the shooting star tradition of before and after shots.


Besides, the biggest news of the day is not that Clay is gay, or that the kids over at 90210 love eating cigarettes for breakfast.

The big news is that Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan are the same person.





















































Yikes! Talk about a sandwich, am I right?! Take that and put it in your threesome with peanut butter and jam, no? Am I right??