Like getting in over your head about cheese.
Example A: You sprinkle grated provolone on your bran flakes because you "need more protein!" and you put cream cheese in your smoothie because...well, just because.
Example B: When your father puts on his Troggs' record, you start singing "Cheese strings! You make my mouth sing!" without even a hint of irony...
It also means devouring the UK edition of ELLE because my mother is rich and I can only afford the lowly American version with homely Reese Witherspoon on the cover. Bo-riiiiiiing...The British are different. The British have class. The British put Paris Hilton on the cover and give you an exclusive interview conducted by Jackie Collins. That's right mein kinder, Jackie Collins of books with fun bumpy letters on the cover fame. The unedited conversation between Paris Hilton and Booker Prize winner Jackie Collins was ground-breaking, much like Collins' 7th novel 'The Bitch' [the sequel to 'The Stud']. Not that you care, but my fave page-turner by Jackie Collins is 'The World is Full of Divorced Women'. It was published in 1975 but it still rings true. I haven't had a boyfriend in eons but I'd say I'm as good as divorced regardless.
In case you thought money and genetically cursed Greek shipping heirs make Paris Hilton happy, now you know she loves her pets, which is why she is voted #1 PET OWNER over and over and over again, East to West, North to South, Choclair comin' down with the Northern Touch.
PH: I just love all my pets. I have 11 dogs, 2 monkeys, 3 ferrets.
JC: Excuse me? Are they all in your house?
PH: The monkeys and the ferrets are in my ranch, but the dogs and 3 cats and 2 bunnies run around my house.
JC: Who looks after them?
PH: I have this guy, Eric, who's like a zookeeper, and he's with them all day long. He loves them. And I love them, too.
Paris Hilton has a ranch. Mais naturellement les gars! I've said it before, but it's worth repeating...THERE IS A GOD.
And now I bring you some exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of Paris Hilton's Canadian Thanksgiving. She cares about Canada big-time. Almost as much as she cares about Africa and the AIDS epidemic. God bless Paris Hilton.
Coolness. I should know better than to use that option in MS Paint. It NEVER DELIVERS. Now I have to explain. Sorry about this bullshit. I'm vexed. Left to right, starting with the robot dog, then descending accordingly. BOLLOCKS!
I can read better than you. And I'm not even a REAL DOG. Eric for garbage disposal. Stavros 4 PREZ!
Cat power. Or am I a dog? Identity crisis. GIRL POWER? I'm hungry...
Fuck me, I'm Irish.
Yo. Turning a blind eye to THAT noise. GO LAKERS! Fuck the Leafs.
Big WHOOF.
But we don't LIKE Purina Cat Chow. We want BANANAS! HELP US!!!
Holla, we want carrots, we want carrots, yeah.
Meow mix, meow mix, please deliver.
Drown them out with your 9th symphony. Me so horny.
I read somewhere that Jackie Collins has signed a deal with Fremantle Television to do a series on HEIRESSES. That's as OUTRAGEOUS as my shampoo and conditioner (for dry, damaged or colour-treated hair).
Elle UK does cutting-edge style profiles of fashion visionaries. Like Agyness Deyn.
Agyness Deyn rocks street chic. But not in the same way as Vanessa Williams.
In the October 2007 issue of Elle UK, Williams defines her style as "casul chic". I have a lot in common with Vanessa Williams. For example, I have a complicated relationship with Proactiv solution (Love/hate. Combination skin.) And a strong love for "neutral or monochrome tones". But sometimes, when I feel that it's time to take off my "grey cashmere Juicy Couture hoodie" and meet up with an old friend like Tim Blanks for tea and scones, I'll "add a flash of colour with a bright cashmere scarf" because I watched a lot of Fashion File in my youth. Tim Blanks schools Jeanne Beker. Anyway...with a platonic "You wanna get outta here?" Tim and I are around the corner at Fabric with Grey Goose on ice and off the record hot shit.
The truth is, I like to wear five colours at once although it's not a strict rule like it was the summer of 2004. You know, ruffle minis, off-the-shoulder tops, those heinous flower sequined slippers...
Now, more than ever, I believe in a thing called "juxtaposition chic". As recently captured by Ayan Bihi, on the night when I lost my wallet for the fifth time at Belle Province. Imagine I lost 5 times AT BELLE PROVINCE? Last time I'm pretty sure I lost it at Café Depot, which is pretty much the same thing because it's 4 metres away and their muffins are as calorie-laden as french fries. Ayan Bihi, budding fashion photographer/videographer. She's onto some next shit.
I think it's time they let Scarlett Johansenn go to welcome ME as the new face of Louis Vuitton accessories...but maybe I'm just mad because I think that Alanis and Ryan Reynolds were a really great couple. And I'm not just saying that because I'm from Ottawa.
I guess this is a good time to give a shout out to my boys at Belle Province. Y'all do it right. Not too big. Not too small. Just the size of Montreal. And the temperature is always bang-on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ar7afdfBHj4
The only other thing I did in Ottawa, besides eat and read fashion rags, was watch Californication starring David Duchovny. It's like TRIPLE-X-FILES! Hot.
FRASER CRANE: Some people have compared the wait for your next novel to the decade-long wait for the new Guns 'n Roses album. In all seriousness, your blog for Hell-A magazine is provoking alot of underground watercooler talk.
HANK MOODY: It's more like pissing out of my ass than anything else. Things bother me, I write it down.
FC: What's your latest obsession?
HM: We have all this amazing technology and yet, computers have turned into basically, 4 figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddy porn. You know, people, they don't write anymore, they blog and instead of talking, they text. No punctuation, no grammar. El oh el this. El emm eff ay oh that. And it just seems to me that it's a bunch of stupid people, pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a protolanguage that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.
FC: But you're part of the problem. I mean, you're out there blogging with the best of them.
HM: Hence, my self-loathing.
I used to say things like "Sex & the City, is like, MY LIFE!" but now I'm more like "Californication, is like, MY LIFE!" but with less sex and fewer useful social connections and I don't get paid to blog by my ex-girl''s husband-to-be. I do it for free. I do it for you. I do it for me.
Oh yeah, I did one other fun thing this weekend. I very briefly made out with some going-places canoe-paddling guy with TEEN WOLF HANDS and more silly jokes than me. I didn't do any crunches but I giggled enough that it doesn't really matter anyway.
Thank you _A_ M_R_I_E_.
We can get married but I think we should wait at least 3 to 6 years. And we can't ever tell your brother _N_U_ M_R_I_E_. Because he played piano for me when I sang Kissing You for the finals of Brookfield Idol in 2003 and if it weren't for him, no one would have clapped because I have zero stage presence unfortunately.
I wish that I had written this on foolscap paper. FOOLSCAP. What the HELL were they thinking calling it that?
"I wish this was foolscap" (_A_ M_R_I_E_'s joke.)
Oh and here is one of my favourite jams from my favourite member of TLC, Lisa Left-Eye Lopes, who is sadly no longer with us. There's a reason I never watched 'R U THE GIRL?'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_J_zA0vHzC8
When my going-places canoe-paddling future-boyfriend and I were discussing CrazySexyCool, I remembered something. When I was 9, some mean older kid told me that Lisa Left-Eye Lopes was a psychotic pyromaniac who had TRIED TO BURN DOWN HER STEADY BOY'S HOUSE!!! This shocked me. This angered me. I took it to the streets to find out the truth. I called KOOL FM and asked them "Is it true that Lisa Left-Eye Lopes tried to burn down her steady boy's house?". Now I'm not sure, but I think they wrote it off as a prank call. Psychotic pyromaniac or not, Lisa Left-Eye Lopes was really cute and I'm sorry she died so young.
In 1995, if you wanted to know something you took it to the KOOL FM hotline streets. KOOL FM was my GOOGLE. (_A_ M_R_I_E_'s joke.)
Some other good stuff happened, like how my cousin Ian's friend Forrest came over for dinner. Forrest has vegetarian parents and has never eaten meat ever. Forrest used to live in a bus. Actually. My dad asked Forrest if his parents were "tree-huggers". My dad also asked Forrest if his parents were "back-to-earth people". Ian asked Forrest if they wore fanny packs (I don't really get it. Every Plateau hipster worth their weight in blow wears a fanny pack SOMEtimes...but Ian lives in the McGill ghetto. So I guess he thinks fanny packs are hippy chic.) Anyway, it was funny when my aunt Saima said "Do they wear DIRTY FANNY PACKS?!?!" and then HOWLED and HOWLED and OH HOW WE ALL HOWLED!!! My family rules. Hilary, forget your midterms and come to New York with us. We'll go to Bungalow 8. We'll see where Lindsay wrote "Scarlett is a C_ N_." in the bathroom stall. Linsday rules but it's true Hilary, she's not really Jill Stuart fall campaign material.
On another note, I find this image very creepy because she bears a striking resemblance to a mid-90s promo-image of Oleda. Oleda? Anybody? She was this age-defying old lady with an incredibly lucscious and youthful mass of long blonde hair. It was like "Oleda is 50. Can you believe it?" I can't find the precise image, but she's still around and still defying age with a wide range of creepy products. HINT: Christmas present ideas for Mom? Grandma? Your cleaning lady?? The cross-walk woman at Roy and Drolet in the sea-foam jogging pants and Reeboks??
SIDENOTE: The cross-wallk woman at Roy and Drolet in the sea-foam jogging pants and Reeboks is really good at her job. She's like, ALWAYS THERE. I feel like I should introduce myself. She's such a good cross-walk woman. And very Plateau ironic-chic in her sea-foam jogging pants and Reeboks. I'll admit, when it's late at night and I'm coming home from MEMBERS ONLY BLIZZARTS MONDAYS or MARDI MCFLY KOROVA TUESDAYS or TUFFLOVE SOCIALE THURSDAYS...well let's just say I look both ways when I cross the street for fear of being run down by that aging Dead-head on the giant tricycle.
Lindsay. Sorry I missed you at Zaphod's last night, I was too busy eating Cool Ranch Doritos crumbs I found in the couch. I also found a few Mentos. And that is what we call a touchdown.
1 comment:
Wow.
Did you know that the number one reason bloggers get sent to jails is because they talk shit about the way the Chinese president's daughter does her nails because nail colour is a big indication of hornyness and homosexuality in Chinese culture and that the president's daughter paints them purple and pastel green so everyone takes it as a sign that she wants it up the ass and she's al over the internet because even though she's kinda ugly she has a really great ass which is less common in China than over here what with asian asses being a bit flatter?
True story.
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