SIT-DOWN IS THE NEW STAND UP (semi-colon VS. semi-nude)

Today we are going to start off with a round of my all-time favourite game...

FUCK/MARRY/KILL!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't cost anything. You don't need to stock up on condoms, wedding rings, cock rings or kitchen knives. All you need is a clear mind and a healthy mojo. You've been holding that downward dog pose long enough...let's hop to it!

TEEN DREAMS OF THE DOE-EYED BRUNETTE VARIETY...

A) Mia Sara as Sloane Peterson in Ferris Bueller's Day Off

B) Jennifer Beals as Alex Owens in Flashdance (aka Nopants Blinkandyou'llmissit Flashsnatch)

C) Phoebe Cates as Linda Barrett in Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Things to consider before getting all lubed up:

1. How useful is a wife that is a WELDER? Even if she DOES have rhythm...

2. Would Sloane Peterson's white fringed leather jacket fit you? If so, do you think she'd let you borrow it??

3. Does Linda Barrett have EPIC tits? If you think so, has she featured prominently in your adolescent WET DREAMS??

4. Who would look best in something white and WET??

5. Who knows a thing or two about BJs? Who would excel at following instructions?? Who could hold their breath longest underwater?? And beyond...

Let's review...

Something white and something wet.

Something epic; if you're into that sort of thing.

Someone modest; with pretty hair.

Someone fun; who is not afraid of taking fashion risks for the sake of turban towel chic.

All things considered, there is NO RIGHT ANSWER.

I wonder how many of you are going to go jerk off after this...

I dedicate the previous segment to Mark James Murray and Hilary Elizabeth Young. Mark is pretty good at coming up with innovative candidates for my all-time favourite game. And Hilary would marry Sloane Peterson and fuck her 24/7 for all eternity and KILL FOR HER WARDROBE IN FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.

I dedicate the following to FUCK/MARRY/KILL and how it's a really great game.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=styYbRWQYP8

I adore this song. It reminds me of cruising around with Emma Dickinson on small and winding Barbados roads, sand in our hair and passion in the air...Emma asked me to put the following photo in here as a sneaky sort of personal ad, because she is "shy" and "has a hard time meeting girls".

Them were some fast times. No shoes, cheap booze, girls who like girls...and plenty of fresh fruit.

Where were we...The Cardigans, that's right. I know it's not hot new shit, but I respect how Nick Catchdubs recognized that the biggest star of Romeo & Juliet was neither Leonardo Dicaprio nor Claire Danes...lovely as she is...in my humble opinion. Lovefool. Catchdubs Bongo Edit. Still digging it. It's my fave jam to make couscous to! "COUSCOUS". Still fun to say...

Onto more important things.

Lindsay Lohan is supposedly broke. I heard she spent a cool million on clothes and $70 000 in pocket change on tanning and getting her hair did. I also heard that rehab is very expensive. I heard she could not pay her mortgage. I heard that she can't afford to live at the Chateau Marmont. I heard that she is crashing on some rich old guy's couch or like, maybe in the poolhouse??

I hope this isn't true because I was rooting for her. If Robert Downey Jr. can do it, Lindsay Lohan can too.

As David Duchovny once said, "The truth is out there".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2Ld4YXlyGk

In other news, Britney's Gimme More video has been around for nearly 2 weeks. It's not very exciting. I'm a Slave 4 U. Now THAT was exciting. Some might even say arousing. Almost as arousing as Phoebe Cates in a red bikini. But not NEARLY as arousing as Phoebe Cates minus said red bikini.

Played out? You don't think she's a sweetheart?? No? Well, I think that you are lying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKLgSiVB7BE k

It's been about a week since Radiohead dropped their new shit far into the murky depths of the world wide web. I have yet to hear it. Eventhough it's free if you don't want to pay, there's a transaction fee. I don't have a credit card. I wonder if my Mom and Dad would pay for it if I told them that OK Computer helped me through a really rough teenage trauma...probably not. Someone please share the new Radiohead with me please, thanks.

It's been about 9 years since The Barenaked Ladies released One Week. This goes down in the hall of fame as ONE OF THE MOST ANNOYING SONGS OF ALL TIME.

The latest podcast from The Fader features HOT NEW JAMS... Like Simian Mobile Disco's HUSTLER and Sinden's BEEPER. This fills me with hope and love because now I know what to play at the Sadie Hawkins next week to make the kids lose their minds. If only I knew who to ASK to the Sadie Hawkins...

I'mma sleep on it.

We come to a close with a round of another favourite game of mine...

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE!!!

1. I saw Sarah Polley at Banana Republic one time and she was dressed in black.

2. One time, I saw Norah Jones at Bluenotes and we chatted and she signed this book I had just bought for Jacob Hale Killorn because he was heavy into her at the time and I thought he would appreciate it.

3. I saw Mischa Barton at Holt Renfrew one time and we totally bought the same Chanel lip gloss.

As David Duchovny once said, "The truth is out there"...!!!!

Let it be known that today I went against the grain. On the way to school, while everybody else was taking the STAIRS at Sherbrooke metro, I turned a blind eye and took the "Escalator. Temporarily stairs." RIP Mitch Hedberg, you were the man, man.

Peace y'all.

NICOLA JANE YOUNG

P.S. You have no idea how risky it was to finish this at the Concordia library...I could probably totally get expelled for looking at semi-nude teens at school, n'est-ce-pas??